Back to school, back to school...

I started back to classes on Monday, after having taken last year off. I have a new cohort and a new outlook.

First, my cohort: They are awesome. Seriously, I didn't know that there could be a group of such amiable doctoral students. People get along and (gasp!) even like each other... and they aren't cliquey! And further, they have been so welcoming to me and even seem to want to be my friend... This is weird for me because I never felt that from my old cohort at all. This is not to say that individually the people in my old cohort aren't great, but the group dynamic was just very stand-offish and cliquey. The experience I have had thus far with my new cohort further confirms that taking a year off was the best decision I have ever made.

Second, my new outlook. Recently, I wrote a post about feeling like an adult. Of course, I still have that procrastination problem, but I feel a tangible difference going to class now as opposed to two years ago. This is possibly due to the fact that I am rested and feel a renewed confidence in my abilities both as a student and as a therapist, but I also just feel like - at least in this area of my life - I have things put together, I'm focused, I'm happy - and this makes me feel like an adult. Again, I will continue to update you on this whole progression into adulthood. I am unsure that it will last. It seems like things should start to fall apart soon or something. What I mean to say is that it seems like I might be straddling some invisible line, and I'm afraid I will slip into my old habits (not getting enough sleep, feeling unmotivated to do schoolwork, feeling like a terrible therapist, etc.). But for now, things are good, and I feel generally happy about this part of my life.

So much to say, no words to say it

I just sat here for the last 17 minutes trying to decide how to start this post. Apparently, my title is more accurate than even I realized. I wish that my emotions and racing thoughts would collide to produce coherent writing...

I'm pretty sure it has now been about half an hour.

Okay, I'm just going to write. Here goes.

My Uncle George's funeral is tomorrow. Let me clarify, George is technically my cousin through marriage, but I've always thought of him as an uncle because I grew up with his kids. I feel guilty for not going to the funeral, but I feel like it's too late to say, "Goodbye," or "I always thought you were the kindest relative on my dad's side," or "Your faith in Jesus was never was never obnoxious or overstated, but inspiring and believable," or, "I'm sorry that I can write pages and pages about Michael Jackson's death, but only these few short phrases for you."

I went wedding dress shopping with Petra today. You would think something involving new beginnings, like weddings, would be uplifting, especially when I have funerals on the brain. Don't get me wrong - the day was special. Seeing Petra light up when she found the dress was special. Of course, now she is having second thoughts, but that is just Petra. She was happy and glowing and beautiful. But it was hard for me to be in the wedding dress shops. It made me wonder what I am doing wrong. Am I being punished by God for not being good enough? But then, Petra doesn't even believe in God and she found Bill. And make no mistake - I am happy for Petra and ALL of my friends who are engaged. This is not a jealousy issue, although mentioning it makes it feel like one, doesn't it? But truly, I am happy for my friends. I just wonder if the one thing I have always wanted will ever happen to me. I have felt ready for a relationship for a while now, but nothing is happening. Maybe I need to lose weight (which I'm working on, although some days are better than others).

After the all-day wedding dress shopping, we went to see Julie and Julia, and very appropriately, I came home to my belated birthday present - a 16 Quart Le Creuset stock pot! I will be making delicious chili and stews in that this year. Back to the movie, I cried about seven times during it. I loved the way Julia and her husband's relationship was portrayed. They loved each other so much, and he loved her for exactly who she was, finding her food obsession endearing and charming. They seemed like the oddest couple, but she was able to be happy with herself. Maybe that's my problem. There are a lot of things that I like about myself, but there are probably an equal amount of things I really don't like about myself that I want to change - that I feel I need to change in order for a guy to find me attractive/love me/whatever. Maybe I'm looking for the wrong guy. Maybe I need to find a guy who will love me despite the things that need changing, despite my quirks, and perhaps because of them. Perhaps I need to love myself.

Okay, done.