I'm back!

Oh, why hello, blog world.  It's been a while.  I should be sleeping, as is usually the case when I'm on this thing, but I've been itching to write lately.  I'll try to be concise with the many topics that are on my mind.

First, I should probably try to recap the last year of my life:
Soon after not matching last year, I joined the Stanford Memorial Church choir. It was awesome.
I proposed and defended my dissertation.
I learned DBT (dialectical behavior therapy).
I got certified in the Parent Project.
I matched to internship... in Topeka, Kansas.
I moved to Kansas a month ago and started internship last week.
I got my first ever pet: a ragdoll kitten named Dobby! I love him! :)

That's not everything, but I'm sleepy.

Things on my mind:
I went to Texas a couple of weeks ago and visited family. I can't really say I went "home" to Texas anymore because honestly, it doesn't feel like home.  I'm turning 29 this week and really, for the last 12 years or so, Texas has not been my home. I know it's blasphemous to say, especially because Texans are supposed to have this unwavering pride regardless of where they are transplanted, but... I just don't feel it. And I feel guilty about that... almost like something's wrong with me. Like I missed out on some big secret or as though there's something there that everyone else sees, but I just have a blind spot for. I'm not sure what that's all about, but the reality is, while there are many people I love in Texas, there's really nothing about Texas that draws me back.

The next thing that has been on my mind regarding my Texas trip is my grandparents. I think that during this visit, their age and fragility finally hit me.  MaMa's almost 90, but she's always seemed so vibrant.  This time, however, she seemed anxious and unsure of herself. This is partially because she's been fainting a lot and she's lost her sense of balance.  She really needs a walker, although I doubt she'll get one. But the anxiousness was more that of... wanting to make sure she got to see me and make sure she got to give me one last quilt that she made. She won't exactly say it out loud, but I think she thinks she's going to die any time.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think she's afraid of dying. In fact, I think she would welcome death. She wants to see PaPa again and be reunited with Jesus. I think she's just afraid of missing those of us she'll leave behind. Last year when I didn't match, my dad and I got into a fight (he wanted me to drop out of graduate school and move back to Texas). In what I can only describe as not one of his finer moments, he told me that my priorities were all wrong, that MaMa was probably going to die soon and that when she did, I would regret the choices I've made to pursue my education so far away. Pretty harsh, right?  I don't think I will regret my decision to go to Exeter, Tufts or Stanford, but I am really afraid I will regret not spending enough time with my family and I'm not really sure how to rectify this situation.  The truth is, I probably can't.

While MaMa's age and health has been in the back of my mind for a couple of years, I honestly had never really worried about Nana and Daddin. I mean, they are younger, so I guess, in my mind, they have more time.  The thing is, when I was visiting with them a few weeks ago, their age and health hit me really hard, too.  Nana's had a lot of ailments for a while, and that status quo hasn't changed too much. Daddin, on the other hand - he's slurring his words and having word-finding difficulties. It breaks my heart, to be totally honest. I feel like I have a very special bond with Daddin, even though we've never spoken about it. It's like this silent understanding we have of each other. We can sit in a room in total silence and it's comfortable. We can chat about something superficial and know we are really talking about something deeper. I think, of all my family members, I take the most after him (although I'm not sure if any of my other family members would say that).

I know that I'm really lucky to be almost 30 years old and still have 3 of my grandparents. That's probably pretty unusual, and it's probably not going to happen if I ever have children and grandchildren because I've put that part of my life on hold for so long.  Point is, I know I'm blessed, but I'm just not ready to lose any of them. And that scares me.

This brings me to my next (and final) topic (because I really need to sleep seeing as I have to be at work in 7 hours). Religion.  As I mentioned above, I was a part of the Stanford Memorial Church Choir, meaning that I actually attended Stanford Memorial Church, which, in case you haven't guessed, is not a mormon church. To say that I have been struggling with my Mormon faith for a while would be an understatement. I've been struggling with it since I was 17. I'm not sure who all reads this blog, and truly, I hope I won't offend or upset or disappoint anyone, but I think it's time I stop hiding.  The straw that broke the camel's back with mormonism was really prop 8. I just feel like the church shouldn't have gotten involved with something political. The church doesn't need to perform gay marriages, but I don't think they should stop loving, monogamous couples who are not mormon from having them. That's more of a political belief than a religious one. I don't like to see anyone's rights encroached upon. But actually what drove me away was the way I was treated (and judged) by some of the members because I wouldn't help with campaigning. And this actually had been the problem for a while. Every time I went to church or a church-related event or just out to the movies with church people, I felt judged. You may say, "Hmm, maybe you are projecting your religious guilt onto these innocent people who were absolutely not judging you." It's possible and something I have considered, but I actually don't think that's the case, or at least not all of it.  But I don't like that feeling. I don't like the feeling of being judged or of religious guilt, and that brings me to my point. Having been away from the mormon church totally for over a year and having attended another church, I actually feel so much closer to Christ and feel the love (not the guilt or judgment) of Christ so much deeper. I feel like I've come to a new and deeper understanding of Christ's unwavering love for all and and better understanding of how I can show that love to others, as a Christian should.  When it boils down to it, I want to feel welcomed in church and I want to attend a church that welcomes everyone because we are ALL sinners. Does this mean I'm not mormon anymore? I don't know. There are certainly things I believe in within the mormon doctrine and there are things I miss, but I don't feel comfortable in the religion anymore. Yet, I feel guilty for that.  I think my mom thought that I was just going through a phase. But I told her today that I have been attending the Grace Episcopal Cathedral since arriving in Topeka. They have a great choir, which I plan to join.  My mom's reaction was said in a tone of reproach and disappointment: "Did you even look for a Mormon church?" I told her, "No."  That's not true. I did, actually, and I chose not to go. And for the rest of the day, in the back of my mind, I have been wondering what that means. I have been feeling guilty and torn and sad. I don't want to disappoint my mom. I don't want to disappoint my grandparents. Daddin baptized me in the mormon church, and that day was really special...

I have so much more to say and no words left... So with that, I bid you all good night.

10 years later

Osama bin Laden is dead.

I have a lot of mixed emotions and feel a very strong desire to sing Banner with EP.

I also wish I could be with all my Exies who started off senior year on 9/11 and all my concert choir who sang for peace after visiting Ground Zero.

Thank God. And thank you to all our military servicemen and women as well as our allies.

Royal Wedding

Hello blog world.

I am procrastinating, but I wanted to write this down before I forget.

Yesterday morning (April 29th at 3am Pacific) was Prince William's marriage to Kate (now Princess Catherine) Middleton. I went to bed around 7pm (with help from Nyquil) the night before and woke up promptly at 2am to watch the coverage on BBC America. I was joined (via gchat) shortly thereafter by my bestie, Ashley W. It was great to be able to share the experience, even virtually, with a friend who's love of Cinderella rivals any 3 year old girl. :)

Many people wonder why this event fascinates me so much. Well, first, I would argue that it fascinated 2 billion people around the world enough to possess them to view it, so I'm not that weird. But it is of particular significance to me because of my undying love for Princess Diana.

Not only did I think Princess Diana was insanely beautiful, but I loved her spirit, her loving kindness and how she changed the monarchy. As a little girl, I mostly loved her fairytale wedding gown, and I often marched around my house in a bride costume with a tiara pretending to be her. As I grew older, what I loved most about Di was her ability to connect with everyone and her openness to others - other cultures and lifestyles, people with AIDS and other illnesses, and particularly children. She wasn't stuffy, stiff, or afraid to engage with anyone and she seemed to find the good in everyone. She hugged people (a royal - imagine that!) - her very presence was healing. I wanted to be like that. I wanted to connect. I wanted to live my life helping people. And that's what I've been trying to do for many years.

It took me a while to reconcile all of the things that we found out about Princess Diana later on (the affairs, the eating disorders, the screaming fights with Charles, etc.) because as a child, it's hard to imagine someone so good and nice and seemingly perfect doing something that, well, isn't perfect. But as I got a bit older and found that, actually, I couldn't be perfect despite my very best efforts, it was nice to have someone to look up to who wasn't perfect but still managed to change the world for good, and I believe she did. I still hope that I will, as well.

When Princess Diana died, I mourned for months. I will never forget when my mom told me - I literally collapsed. I just couldn't believe it. I stayed up and watched the funeral live. I also taped the funeral and watched it every day for weeks, just sobbing every time. Eventually, my mom took it away from me and got me some Princess Diana videos, including her wedding, instead. I watched these all the time and read anything and everything I could about Diana and her charities (and her sons, who I prayed for every night because they were left without a mother and stuck with the other stuffy royals, who I was convinced didn't love them. I have since realized that this is not the case). So, it was wonderful to be able to watch another event involving Diana (her son), Westminster Abbey, and millions of people and this time have that event be a joyful one!

As soon as Kate got out of the car, I said, "Grace Kelly!" I knew this because a friend of mine recently had her wedding dress designed after Grace Kelly's - if she had just waited a few months, she wouldn't have needed to custom make it! That being said, it was classic and elegant with a modern touch. I thought it was exactly perfect! She looked truly beautiful, which William whispered to her when she got down the aisle - a very sweet moment. My favorite shots of the dress were from above - her walking with that train - just STUNNING!

The music at the wedding was breathtaking and the choir gave me chills. I also really enjoyed the sermon, but the exchanging of vows felt a little short and stiff to me. I need to get a copy of my friend, Jecca's, wedding because it was traditional (Episcopal, actually) and felt just perfect, but it was a little longer than the vows William and Kate exchanged. That being said, I thought the whole wedding was wonderful, and I definitely cried when they stepped out of the church and the organ was still playing AND the church bells were ringing. It felt just like Cinderella, and I couldn't help thinking, "Wow, she walked in Kate Middleton, and now she's Princess Catherine." Amazing.

Anyway, I could go on and on about it, but I mostly just wanted to document it so that I remember later on down the road, and I can tell my kids about how I woke up at 2am to see this wedding. :)

Stuck

Lately, I've been living my life between a rock and a hard place. I'm not going to make a laundry list of my grievances, but suffice it to say that literally NOTHING has worked out.

Now, I am a person of faith. I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. Despite this, it's hard to not take some of these things very personally. It's hard not to question whether or not I chose the right career, even though I AM good at working with adolescents. It's hard not to look at everyone getting married and having kids and not feel angry at myself for pursuing my career first.

I have fallen into somewhat of a depression. I mean, I technically meet criteria, but I think it's hard for me as an almost psychologist to admit that I'm depressed. Also, it's not impeding my functioning so much that I can't go to work - I'd say I'm just overall less effective and efficient than my potential.

I donated about half of my wardrobe to Good Will last week. I'm seriously considering either chopping or dying my hair or both. I want to trade in my car. I want to move to San Francisco.

Obviously, I feel the need for a change. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do next year, but whatever it is, I'm hoping I can do it from SF. In reality, I need a roommate, so the SF thing probably won't happen, but I'm holding onto it for the time being.

I'm turning 28 in about 16 weeks, and I've decided I want to lose 28 pounds by the time I turn 28. It's totally doable in a healthy way if I follow a plan and exercise. I'm hoping by writing it in here, I'll be motivated because I know someone's read it. Anyway, because everything feels so up in the air and out of control, this is something I could have control over if I don't let my emotions get in the way. Maybe if I get the ball rolling on my health, other things in my life will start to fall into place/come into focus. I have been completely neglectful of my SELF for the last whole year... 2 really. I don't look or feel like the person I know is somewhere inside of me.

I know this is a vague post, but I really don't feel like going into everything. Instead of dwelling, I need to deal with what I have and do what I can to move my life forward - at least in the areas that I have some choice/control over.

So that's where I'm at. Hopefully, in a few more weeks I'll have some more insights. I'll hopefully also have some updates on weight loss.

Some thoughts as I procrastinate from my dissertation...

I'm sure all of you know by now that I did not match to an internship during Phase I.

Here is a brief rundown of what happened:

2/25 5:45am - Got an email that I did not match.

2/25 1pm - Meeting with Internship Coaches for Phase II - cried in front of said coaches and peers. Felt surprised by those who didn't match. Realized that we all had a common factor (my ex-diss chair). Coincidence? I think not.

2/25 Spent the rest of the day sulking, but began looking at sites available for Phase II of the match.

2/26 Spent most of this day sulking, but narrowed down the list of places to apply. Also emailed all of my friends and family to ask for help because it's impossible to apply to 32 places in 4 days.

2/27-28 Spent these days working my tail off, not sleeping, but feeling grateful that I literally have the most amazing friends in the history of the world. Organized my spreadsheet. 

3/1 Wonderful friends came over and helped me work on cover letters and edit essays. Other wonderful friends helped me remotely. Slept all of 2 hours this night.

3/2 Did not sleep at all. Had friends staying up with me remotely to edit letters. Worked like I've never worked before.

3/3 2am My roommate woke up from a 4 hour nap and proceeded to stay awake with me and edit cover letters until 7am.

3/3 7:25am All 32 applications submitted 35 minutes before the deadline.

3/3 8am Tried to take a nap. I couldn't sleep.

3/3 11am Went to practicum.

3/3 10pm Tried to sleep, but couldn't.

3/4 Went to practicum, completely exhausted.

I still have not caught up on sleep, although I slept for a solid 10 hours last night. It was awesome.

So you know, I only have 2 interviews so far. I've been officially rejected by 4 places, but I know that 8 other places I applied offered interviews and likely aren't sending rejections out (they aren't required to this go round). So that leaves 18 more possible interviews. Things aren't looking great. :/ Although, I have to say that the one place I did interview with so far was a wonderful fit for me, so please keep me in your thoughts and prayers!

Honestly, I think I handled the not matching surprisingly well, considering that if I don't match in Phase II, I will have to do another year of practica, take out more student loans, and graduate with the class of 2013. I have no issue with doing another year of practica, but the student loans and graduating a year later would be pretty devastating, so here's hoping I match this go round.  But back to my point, the reason I faired so well and got down to business and cranked out those applications is because of the support I got from friends and family. Honestly, I have never felt more loved in my life. It reminded me to put things into perspective and recognize that a) things happen for a reason and b) no matter what happens, I have a ridiculous amount of people in my life who love me (and who I obviously love back!). Ultimately, that's what matters. Regardless of what I look like on paper or how a training director may judge me from a 30 minute interview, the people who really know me are the people who count, and I got emails/facebook messages/texts from over a hundred people sending their love and support. What that means to me is that I have had a positive impact on their lives, and that makes me feel really successful in my life, no matter what the outcome of match may be.

All of this has coincided (ish) with Lent, which started on Wednesday. I know what you are thinking: "Lent? But you aren't Catholic?"  Yes, I know, but I did go to a Catholic Ash Wednesday service with a dear friend, and I have participated in Lent for more years than I can remember - I believe I started in 7th grade.  Lent is actually one of my favorite times of year leading up to Easter, which is one of my favorite holidays. It's a time that I draw closer to God each year. In case you are wondering what Lent is, here you go (from Wikipedia):

Lent in the Christian tradition, is the period of the liturgical year from Ash Wednesday to Easter. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, repentance, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

According to the Canonical gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke, Jesus spent forty days fasting in the desert before the beginning of his public ministry, where he endured temptation by Satan.^[1][2] Thus, Lent is described as being forty days long, though different denominations calculate the forty days differently.

This practice is common to much of Christendom, being celebrated by Catholics, Lutherans, Methodists, Presbyterians, andAnglicans.

This year, I'm taking the time to re-read the Lenten Gospels and started with the Temptation of Christ today. It's easy to forget that Christ faced temptations, as we often think of Him as being perfect. I mean, He is perfect, but it's sort of like this: There has never been in a time in my life when I have been in the least bit tempted to do cocaine. Seriously, if someone offered to pay me money to do cocaine, I still wouldn't do it. It's just not a temptation for me. It seems like any temptation would be the same for Jesus - a nonissue. Not true, actually. Like my struggle with eating healthily (I'm almost always tempted to eat delicious, but very non-nutritious foods), Jesus really struggled with Satan's temptations. He fasted and was weary, but managed to stave off the devil's temptations. Doesn't that give you hope that you can also win against temptation? It does for me.

As mentioned, part of Lent is giving something up/sacrificing for 40 days (Ash Wednesday to Easter is technically more than 40 days, but oh well). In the past, I have given up burritos, chocolate, Facebook, AIM, eating out, and more. This year, I couldn't decide what to give up. I wish I could give up the internet, but unfortunately, that's just not possible, as I get an abundance of emails everyday that are both school and work related. I considered giving up Facebook, but given that many of my friends are moving away as early as May, I didn't want to lose contact with them OR lose so much of my social support during Phase II of the Match. I think Jesus would agree. :)  I also considered giving up eating out again, but because my schedule is so insanely hectic, I knew that this really wasn't feasible, and then I'd just feel like a bad person if I couldn't do it. So, I asked my therapist last week what he thought I should give up. His response, "Lindsey, you're just such a good person, there's nothing to give up." Ha! Flattering, but definitely not true. No matter who you are, you can always improve yourself. I mean, even Jesus fasted and prayed to improve Himself. So my therapist suggested that rather than giving up something, I add something into my life. Although some people do this, it kind of feels like cheating, but we decided that I would go to the gym. My therapist framed, "By going to the gym, you are giving up some of your free time that you might be vegging out or watching TV, etc." I like thinking of it this way, and I've even sort of imposed a "No TV until after the Gym" rule. I have not watched TV in two days. Ha, but I DO plan to go to the gym tonight. Going to the gym is something I have a REALLY hard time motivating to do, but I have to say, Jesus is a pretty good motivator. I have the fact that it's my Lenten promise but ALSO the fact that I know He would want me to take care of my body as motivators. I'll let you know how I do.

Anyway, even if you don't celebrate Lent or are not Christian at all, I'd encourage you to do Lent with me (you're only a few days late starting at this point). 40 days of giving something up or adding something positive to your life can only do you good. If you are Christian (in any way, even if your religion doesn't celebrate Lent), I think, like me, you will find yourself drawing nearer to God.

That is all for now.

Phase II

After sleeping for all of two hours, I got up to my "Match" email that "regretfully" informed me that I didn't match to internship.

For the next week, everyone who didn't match will be participating in Phase II (aka Clearinghouse, aka Scramble).  The internship sites that somehow did not have applicants match to them are posted online, we decide where to apply (i.e., only to really good fits - I wouldn't apply for a VA, when I have never worked in a VA, etc) and our apps need to be in by March 3rd. Then phone interviews are offered (or not). And then there is another match day on March 28th.

If this does not work out, I will be taking another year and accruing more loans.

I think when 22 year olds apply for doctoral-level graduate programs in clinical psych, someone needs to seriously sit down with them and really make them understand what they are getting into. That they are literally going to be jumping through hoop after hoop after seriously unnecessary hoop. No matter how much effort and extra hours they put in, they are most likely not going to be rewarded for it. They are also sentencing themselves to financial ruin. See below:

(Insert Clever Title Here)

I've been meaning to update since I got back from the interview circuit, but I've somehow managed to be sick since I got back and couldn't muster the energy necessary to blog - pathetic, huh?  Don't worry, this was no swine flu, just a really long lingering cold that is still bothering me. I have always had a bad immune system, and I'm usually anemic when my blood gets checked, but lately I've really been thinking about how I contribute to this. When I was sick last weekend, I went back and was reading my Livejournal entries from high school and college, and I've realized that I have completely let myself go. While I have never been happy with my weight/figure/general looks, I realized just from looking at my old journal entries that I used to work out in some capacity almost every day (dance, cheerleading, if nothing else, just walking around campus). It was part of my lifestyle, and somehow since I came to grad school, I've let that go. This has obviously contributed to weight gain and growing unhappiness with my appearance, but I believe it has also been a major factor in the frequency and duration of my illnesses, not to mention contributing to... not a depression or dysthymia, but perhaps a dulled outlook on life. As Elle Woods so nicely put it, "Exercise creates endorphins. Endorphins make you happy." It's true, too. People who exercise 45 minutes a few days a week have more serotonin in their brains than people who take antidepressants. I haven't exactly figured out what I'm going to do about this. Most days I have to leave my house by 7:30am to get to my practicum placements, which means I need to be in the shower by 6:30, 6:15 if I really want to look put together. That means, I'd need to work out starting between 5-5:30am depending on what I did/where it was located. I know myself well enough to know that this will never happen. I am not committed enough. I don't sleep enough. I am not ever going to be a morning person. That means I need to work out when I get off from work, which also becomes tricky.  I think if I had a gym membership, it might be better, but most days when I leave work (around 6-7ish), it's dark, I'm exhausted, I'm hungry, and if I come home, I'm not going out again. I'm rambling, but you see my dilemma? I really do feel like something must change in order for me to live a healthier, happier life. I read an article that I got from one of my various email newsletters (Daily Fit Tip, Ladies Home Journal, etc.) about how to become a morning person. It struck a chord with me, but I have yet to put it into action because I have been sick. I'm hoping this week I can start with one of the suggestions, which is to wake up in the morning and go for a walk, just around the block. This sounds reasonable to me. I'd have to get up at 6 instead of 6:15, rather than 5am for a whole work out. Apparently just getting that little amount of walking in helps with energy levels throughout the day and will actually make you more likely to walk more throughout the day and/or work out in the evening. So this week, I'm just going to try that one thing, assuming it's not raining cats as dogs, like it is right now.

Now, on to my travels. Just to remind you, I can't state in a public fashion how I will be ranking my internship sites, so if you want to know that information, you'll have to ask me privately. My first flight was down to Long Beach, where my dear friend, Vicki, picked me up and drove me up to Santa Monica to meet up with our friends, Nicole and Nick (they're married). We had a delightful lunch together and it was really nice spending time with two of my closer friends from my original cohort. Nicole and I braved the rain and cold (in LA - what?!) to see the movie How Do You Know that evening, which was really helpful for keeping my my nerves at bay, since my first interview was the next morning at Saint John's Child and Family Development Center, where Nicole is currently interning. My interview went well, I think. Of course, I thought of all things I could have/should have said afterwards, but honestly, I didn't say anything stupid and I felt a real connection with the people I interviewed with. I could really imagine myself working there, which was a nice feeling. There was an Open House/information session the next day, which I will be the first to admit was extremely intimidating. The candidates they interviewed were all exceptional, and I couldn't help but wonder how I managed to make it into that group and wonder if after interviews they would even be considering me anymore. But, it was a good experience, and the current interns and faculty seem extremely happy. For me, there were no drawbacks to the internship program. In fact, I LOVED it. I'm hesitant of living in Southern California for a plethora of reasons that could be (and probably will be) a whole post in and of itself, but mainly because of the expense and the constant feeling of not being skinny/pretty/hip enough to live there.  Anywho, after the open house, I borrowed my brother's car and drove down to Orange County (it took me 3 hours to drive 30 miles - another drawback to So-Cal). I stayed with Vicki and her family, who are Greek and wonderful! I really love many aspects the Greek culture, so I particularly enjoy staying with Vicki's family. And thank goodness I knew someone who had driven to Western Youth Services, where my interview was the next day. Vicki knows all the short cuts and cut my commute from 2 hours the next morning to 25 minutes just by taking toll roads, which Google Maps does not take you on! I had 3 interviews at WYS, and I felt decent about them, but really good about the one with the training director, which I'm hoping is the most important! If I end up there, I think I will live in Anaheim so I can go to Disneyland (with my annual pass that I will be purchasing if I end up in So-Cal) any day of the week! It would also be really nice to live close to Vicki again. She's one of my only single friends left, and we always have a great time together! After my WYS interview, I drove back up to my brother's place and bonded with his girlfriend for a while. We all went to my brother's restaurant for dinner that night, and it was scrumptious! Wow! Seriously delicious! I think Kyle really hopes I match to a SoCal site so that we can spend more time together. Well, that's what he said anyway. It would be nice. We used to be really close, and I'd like it if we were again. I also feel like I could influence him in a positive way because he is absurdly pessimistic and really lets negative thinking get the best of him. Of course, I suppose he could influence me in a negative way, but I think because I'm used to this type of thinking from my clients, I don't let it get to me as much as I might have a few years ago.

So, after my SoCal interviews, which were mostly cold and rainy (I seriously bring bad weather to LA every time I go), I flew overnight on JetBlue to Boston. I arrived at Logan, and the first thing I saw was Dunkin' Donuts and everyone wearing Red Sox paraphernalia! It was AWESOME! I caught the Concord Trails bus first to South Station and then up to Manchester. When we were leaving Logan and heading to South Station, we came out of a tunnel and there was Boston. It was freezing, but the sun was so bright and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The way the light hit the buildings created such a beautiful scene. I was completely filled with joy at that moment, so much so that I started crying. Okay, part of that may have been the 3 hours of sleep I was running on and the fact that I was PMSing like crazy. But I really and truly love Boston like no other place! Anyway, Jecca picked me up in Manchestah, New Hampshah, and I couldn't believe what a peanut she was. She's lost an insane amount of weight - so much so that I wanted to feed her a whole pizza. But actually, she has a very small frame, and being thin really suits her. She dropped me off at her parents house, which was always my home away from home during my time at Exeter and at Tufts, and her mom insisted that I take a nap. So, I tucked myself in and slept until it was time to get ready for the wedding rehearsal. The church was BEAUTIFUL. Jecca told me it looked like a cross between Exeter's church and something at Hogwarts, and that's a most accurate description. The priest was also British and wore Harry Potter-esque glasses, which was fabulous! Skipping to the next afternoon, Jecca called me into the parlor of the church to help her put on the veil. I couldn't believe it - she was in a sparkly princess wedding dress! Literally, something I would pick out! Jecca! The biggest tom-boy ever! It was amazing! She looked GORGEOUS! I thought seeing her before the wedding and getting some tears out then would lessen the tears at the actual event, but I was wrong. I went up to do my reading (From a House of Stone, by Carmen Bugan), and I only got through the first 3 lines before I started BAWLING! Never again will I do a reading for someone's wedding. Holy cannoli, I barely got through the thing, and apparently my crying sounds like "chirping." I read the first couple lines and then I looked up at Jecca and Jon because I wanted to read it to them, but that was a mistake. Seeing Jecca there in her dress just overwhelmed me! But aside from my blubbering and then pretty much sprinting off the podium, which Jecca says was her favorite part of the wedding, it was probably the most beautiful wedding I've been to. It was very intimate - only 30 people - and the ceremony was just perfect. I would want more people and more music, but the church, the priest, the traditional vows - it was just so nice. I, of course, cried through its entirety and remained embarrassed at the reception and the brunch that was held at Jecca's parents' house the next day. It was great spending so much time with Jecca's family because they essentially adopted me when I came to Exeter, and I really just love them. Jecca's littlest sister is now 16 and reminds me SO much of Jecca when we were in high school. And her other sister, who is just a year or so younger than us, has always been someone who I thought I would be very close friends with if given the chance to really spend time with her. It made me hope that I end up in New Hampshire so I can strengthen the bonds I have with the people there, whom I love.

I interviewed at Riverbend Community Mental Health the day after the brunch, and it was a long interview day, but really good. Their Adolescent program really is the perfect fit for what I want to do with my life/what I want my training to be. I really enjoyed the supervisors, training director and the CEO, who I randomly interviewed with. That was my best interview, so I hope that's a good thing. He told me I was "refreshing." ha. Riverbend was a place I could imagine staying at for years, and I really liked that. Concord is also a really cute town, but I'm not sure if I'd live there or in Manchester or near the Seacoast if I intern there. Again, I felt like the interview applicants were all really phenomenal, and I can only hope that I made myself stand out (in a good way) amongst them.  That night, Jecca's mom drove her sister and me back to Boston, where Ashley picked me up! I introduced Ashley's sister and Jecca's sister, which worked out perfectly because I think they would be BFFs if they got to know each other! But anyway, Ashley surprised me the next day with a massage, which was amazing and exactly what I needed. The massage therapist's reaction to my back was, "Woah, what the heck have you been doing?" He asked if I had made any New Year's resolutions and told me I NEEDED to resolve to do yoga 4-5 times a week because he's never seen anyone's back look as bad as mine. Tying that back to my first paragraph, I do want to incorporate yoga into my life. Just need to figure out an inexpensive way to do it. That night after our massages, the snow started. My flight was canceled for the next day and Ashley didn't have to go into work. It was great! We spent the entire day together, inside of course, but the snow was really beautiful to look at from inside where it was warm! Boston has gotten an insane amount of snow this year! As always, it was bittersweet saying goodbye to Ashley, but at the same time, I was getting tired of living out of a suitcase and leaving meant I was one step closer to getting back home.

I waited in the airport ALL DAY to get to Kansas City. I also had an emergency phone session with a client. Awesome, airport therapy. (Note the sarcasm). The reality of my being gone for so long really sank in that day, making me even more anxious to get home to my clients, but also making me realize that it is going to be really hard for me to leave some of the kids I have been working with for the last year and a half. I've really grown to love them and I want to help them with every fiber of my being, and I think I have. I hope so, anyway.

So, I got to Kansas City around midnight. My friend, Jenn, picked me up and was so nice to let me stay with her. She lives in this really cool loft, in an old historic building in Kansas City. Of course, I didn't get to sleep until around 2am, and got up at 6am, so my interview at KUMC was probably not my best. The interns seem happy there, though, and the training director seemed to really like me. I actually loved Kansas City, which I was not expecting. I thought it was just a really neat place, with a lot of history and character. Jenn and I went to a jazz club that night, and this old man played the trumpet, sang, and tap danced the night away. It was my kind of entertainment, for sure! Of course, then Jenn and I went back and listened to a cappella music for hours because Jenn is an even bigger a cappella nerd than me, something that is truly hard to come by. Overall, I had a really good time in KC, but I was not sad to leave, especially because Kansas was colder than Boston! But mostly because by this time I was so absurdly ready to get home!

Then, of course, I got sick. And the last two weeks I feel like work has just been one crisis after another and many many frustrations, not to mention more dissertation issues, that I will not discuss on a public forum. My Christmas decorations are still up, and I have yet to sleep in my bed since I got home because I have so much laundry and stuff to put away.  Of course, instead of doing all of this, I just spent the last 2 hours writing this blog! I know, my priorities are awesome. Do you ever just feel overwhelmed by seemingly small tasks? That's how I feel. I also feel overwhelmed by really large tasks, like being responsible for people's lives, writing my dissertation and losing weight. So, I would say that, in general, I just feel overwhelmed. I think it will feel better when I am not sick, work out the issues with my dissertation chair, get focused, and yes, match (: or not match ): to internship.

There are actually a lot of other things I wanted to blog about today, particularly about Andre Agassi's autobiography, Open. I read it at Christmas, and I highly recommend it to EVERYONE! I will hopefully sit down in the near future and discuss my take on it.

If anyone actually made it to the end, I commend you for your patience!