Oh, why hello, blog world. It's been a while. I should be sleeping, as is usually the case when I'm on this thing, but I've been itching to write lately. I'll try to be concise with the many topics that are on my mind.
First, I should probably try to recap the last year of my life:
Soon after not matching last year, I joined the Stanford Memorial Church choir. It was awesome.
I proposed and defended my dissertation.
I learned DBT (dialectical behavior therapy).
I got certified in the Parent Project.
I matched to internship... in Topeka, Kansas.
I moved to Kansas a month ago and started internship last week.
I got my first ever pet: a ragdoll kitten named Dobby! I love him! :)
That's not everything, but I'm sleepy.
Things on my mind:
I went to Texas a couple of weeks ago and visited family. I can't really say I went "home" to Texas anymore because honestly, it doesn't feel like home. I'm turning 29 this week and really, for the last 12 years or so, Texas has not been my home. I know it's blasphemous to say, especially because Texans are supposed to have this unwavering pride regardless of where they are transplanted, but... I just don't feel it. And I feel guilty about that... almost like something's wrong with me. Like I missed out on some big secret or as though there's something there that everyone else sees, but I just have a blind spot for. I'm not sure what that's all about, but the reality is, while there are many people I love in Texas, there's really nothing about Texas that draws me back.
The next thing that has been on my mind regarding my Texas trip is my grandparents. I think that during this visit, their age and fragility finally hit me. MaMa's almost 90, but she's always seemed so vibrant. This time, however, she seemed anxious and unsure of herself. This is partially because she's been fainting a lot and she's lost her sense of balance. She really needs a walker, although I doubt she'll get one. But the anxiousness was more that of... wanting to make sure she got to see me and make sure she got to give me one last quilt that she made. She won't exactly say it out loud, but I think she thinks she's going to die any time. Don't get me wrong, I don't think she's afraid of dying. In fact, I think she would welcome death. She wants to see PaPa again and be reunited with Jesus. I think she's just afraid of missing those of us she'll leave behind. Last year when I didn't match, my dad and I got into a fight (he wanted me to drop out of graduate school and move back to Texas). In what I can only describe as not one of his finer moments, he told me that my priorities were all wrong, that MaMa was probably going to die soon and that when she did, I would regret the choices I've made to pursue my education so far away. Pretty harsh, right? I don't think I will regret my decision to go to Exeter, Tufts or Stanford, but I am really afraid I will regret not spending enough time with my family and I'm not really sure how to rectify this situation. The truth is, I probably can't.
While MaMa's age and health has been in the back of my mind for a couple of years, I honestly had never really worried about Nana and Daddin. I mean, they are younger, so I guess, in my mind, they have more time. The thing is, when I was visiting with them a few weeks ago, their age and health hit me really hard, too. Nana's had a lot of ailments for a while, and that status quo hasn't changed too much. Daddin, on the other hand - he's slurring his words and having word-finding difficulties. It breaks my heart, to be totally honest. I feel like I have a very special bond with Daddin, even though we've never spoken about it. It's like this silent understanding we have of each other. We can sit in a room in total silence and it's comfortable. We can chat about something superficial and know we are really talking about something deeper. I think, of all my family members, I take the most after him (although I'm not sure if any of my other family members would say that).
I know that I'm really lucky to be almost 30 years old and still have 3 of my grandparents. That's probably pretty unusual, and it's probably not going to happen if I ever have children and grandchildren because I've put that part of my life on hold for so long. Point is, I know I'm blessed, but I'm just not ready to lose any of them. And that scares me.
This brings me to my next (and final) topic (because I really need to sleep seeing as I have to be at work in 7 hours). Religion. As I mentioned above, I was a part of the Stanford Memorial Church Choir, meaning that I actually attended Stanford Memorial Church, which, in case you haven't guessed, is not a mormon church. To say that I have been struggling with my Mormon faith for a while would be an understatement. I've been struggling with it since I was 17. I'm not sure who all reads this blog, and truly, I hope I won't offend or upset or disappoint anyone, but I think it's time I stop hiding. The straw that broke the camel's back with mormonism was really prop 8. I just feel like the church shouldn't have gotten involved with something political. The church doesn't need to perform gay marriages, but I don't think they should stop loving, monogamous couples who are not mormon from having them. That's more of a political belief than a religious one. I don't like to see anyone's rights encroached upon. But actually what drove me away was the way I was treated (and judged) by some of the members because I wouldn't help with campaigning. And this actually had been the problem for a while. Every time I went to church or a church-related event or just out to the movies with church people, I felt judged. You may say, "Hmm, maybe you are projecting your religious guilt onto these innocent people who were absolutely not judging you." It's possible and something I have considered, but I actually don't think that's the case, or at least not all of it. But I don't like that feeling. I don't like the feeling of being judged or of religious guilt, and that brings me to my point. Having been away from the mormon church totally for over a year and having attended another church, I actually feel so much closer to Christ and feel the love (not the guilt or judgment) of Christ so much deeper. I feel like I've come to a new and deeper understanding of Christ's unwavering love for all and and better understanding of how I can show that love to others, as a Christian should. When it boils down to it, I want to feel welcomed in church and I want to attend a church that welcomes everyone because we are ALL sinners. Does this mean I'm not mormon anymore? I don't know. There are certainly things I believe in within the mormon doctrine and there are things I miss, but I don't feel comfortable in the religion anymore. Yet, I feel guilty for that. I think my mom thought that I was just going through a phase. But I told her today that I have been attending the Grace Episcopal Cathedral since arriving in Topeka. They have a great choir, which I plan to join. My mom's reaction was said in a tone of reproach and disappointment: "Did you even look for a Mormon church?" I told her, "No." That's not true. I did, actually, and I chose not to go. And for the rest of the day, in the back of my mind, I have been wondering what that means. I have been feeling guilty and torn and sad. I don't want to disappoint my mom. I don't want to disappoint my grandparents. Daddin baptized me in the mormon church, and that day was really special...
I have so much more to say and no words left... So with that, I bid you all good night.
