In case you haven't been religiously checking my blog from a couple of weeks ago (shame on you! ;), here's an update with my interviews and my travel schedule for the next month. If I were smart, I would have wracked up miles on one airline, but instead, I chose convenience and price over a potential free flight somewhere. That being said, I'm still going to accrue somewhat significant mileage, which is nice.
When I was a senior in college, living at good old 215, I walked out of my house one evening and got egged - it was literally a drive-by egging. The guys thought I was someone else - I know this because they yelled, "Chi-O Slut" as they drove off, and as I was neither in Chi-O, nor a slut, I'm pretty sure it was meant to be an attack on one of the girls who lived downstairs from me. Little comfort as I stood there with egg dripping from my hair and brand new coat.
I have a point in bringing this story up, that being: Every time I opened my email between the 10th and 15th and read the words, "Dear applicant" (never a good sign if they don't use your name), the only experience I can compare it to is an egg to the face. Rejection after rejection - I got 6 just on the 13th - it's a disheartening experience to say the least. 18 rejections in total, and I'm still waiting to hear from 2 more sites! I expected many rejections. In fact, they told us to expect 2/3 rejections, but it's hard to prepare for so many, especially when I applied to many places that I was told I "should" get an interview at.
I now know I'm definitely moving away from the Bay Area next year, unless I don't match to an internship, but one of my associate DCTs feels confident that I will match with 4 (or 5 or 6) interviews. I don't know why, but I'm going to take her word for it. I anticipated moving away for internship and probably forever after that, but the finality of that last Bay Area rejection hit like a brick. I basically have 6 months to get as much as possible out of living here and seeing the friends who have become so dear to me over the last 4.5 years. The hardest thing for me will be to leave the kids I babysit. I was with them last night, and literally bawled as I drove home. They are growing up so fast that even just seeing them once or twice every month, I feel like I'm missing out. This will turn into once every 6 months or possibly even once a year, so I told their parents they have to get Skype - end of story!
Anyway, I am rambling. The point of this post was to update my interview sites and let you know about my interview/travel plans, so without further ado:
December 21-30th: Texas for the holidays. (Flying on American)
December 31: Last date by which I will here from Morrison Child and Family Services, Portland.
January 2nd: Fly on JetBlue from SFO to Long Beach.
January 3rd: Interview at Saint John's in Santa Monica.
January 4th: Open House at Saint John's.
January 5th: Interview at Western Youth Services in Orange County. Last date by which I will hear from Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center.
January 6th: Overnight flight on JetBlue from LAX to Boston.
January 7th: Arrive in Boston, take a bus up to Manchester, New Hampshire. Attend Jecca's rehearsal dinner.
January 8th: Jecca's wedding - I'm doing a reading.
January 10th: Interview at Riverbend Community Mental Health. Bus back to Boston. Stay with Ashley.
January 11th-12th: Hang in Boston with Ashley and old friends.
January 12th: Fly on American to Kansas City. Stay with Jenn.
January 14th: Interview at KU Med Center
January 15th: Fly on American back to the Bay Area.
Will update when I hear from the other two sites.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
A Few of My Favorite Things... for the Holidays!
I was just inspired by a friend's blog post on her favorite things and decided to do my own holiday version. As many of you know, I LOVE Christmas. I usually have a large holiday party to celebrate my favorite time of year, but this year was unable to due to lack of funding and time. Even though I'm disappointed about this, I have not let it ruin my holiday spirit. There are many things I love at the holidays, and here are a few of them:
My Very Own Christmas Tree:
It's not coordinated, and it's certainly not as fancy as a Neiman Marcus tree, but I love my tree and all the different colored ornaments and the three different types of garland because I didn't buy enough the first time! I personally like white lights on Christmas trees because the colors of the ornaments reflect off of them, but regardless of light color, something about Christmas trees makes me feel like a little kid - worries melt away and magic seems real - both things that are helping me through this internship process! So, without further ado, my tree:
Christmas Candies and Christmas Tree Sugar Cookies:
Once a year, I make homemade Fudge and Martha Washington candy and my Nana's sugar cookies in the shape of Christmas Trees. As far as I'm concerned, Christmas isn't Christmas without these treats. Although fudge is easy to make, the Martha Washington candy and sugar cookies can really be a pain, which is why I only make them at Christmas. Once they are all done, though, they are TOTALLY worth it. (Candy on the left, cookies in the middle).
In case you want the recipes:
Mariah Carey Christmas CD, Merry Christmas:
Okay, I love ALL Christmas music, but I could listen to Mariah Carey Merry Christmas all year round, and let's be honest, I do. I'm always so excited when Halloween is over because I don't feel (as) crazy for popping this CD in and singing my heart out to it! I haven't gotten the new Mariah Christmas album, mostly because I can't imagine anything being as awesome as the original. I might break down and get it when it goes on sale after Christmas. For now, I'm jamming to this:
A Muppet Christmas Carol:
My very favorite version of The Christmas Carol is the muppet version. Not sure what that says about me, but it's hilarious AND heartwarming.
Kids:
Okay, I always love kids, but kids at Christmas are the best! They are so cute and so excited and so full of belief! I just love it! I very much look forward to/pray for the day when I will have kids of my own at Christmas. Some of my favorite kids at Christmas:
Not pictured: My cousin's toddler, Logan, who I get to see every other Christmas, and boy, am I excited to see him in just a couple of weeks!!!
Friends and Family:
Christmas would be nothing if it weren't for friends and family - I think we can all agree on that. No explanations needed here.
There are tons of other things I love at Christmas, including TIME OFF! But I think this list suits the title: a few of my favorite things.
Hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and enjoy YOUR favorite things this Christmas!!!
My Very Own Christmas Tree:
It's not coordinated, and it's certainly not as fancy as a Neiman Marcus tree, but I love my tree and all the different colored ornaments and the three different types of garland because I didn't buy enough the first time! I personally like white lights on Christmas trees because the colors of the ornaments reflect off of them, but regardless of light color, something about Christmas trees makes me feel like a little kid - worries melt away and magic seems real - both things that are helping me through this internship process! So, without further ado, my tree:
Christmas Candies and Christmas Tree Sugar Cookies:
Once a year, I make homemade Fudge and Martha Washington candy and my Nana's sugar cookies in the shape of Christmas Trees. As far as I'm concerned, Christmas isn't Christmas without these treats. Although fudge is easy to make, the Martha Washington candy and sugar cookies can really be a pain, which is why I only make them at Christmas. Once they are all done, though, they are TOTALLY worth it. (Candy on the left, cookies in the middle).
In case you want the recipes:
Fudge
3 4oz Hershey Bars
1 Package 12 oz Kisses
1 Small Jar Marshmallow Cream
1 Tablespoon Butter
1 Pound Pecans Chopped
1 Teaspoon Vanilla
4 ½ cups of sugar
1 can Evaporated Carnation Milk
Mix Hersheys and Kisses, Marshmallow Cream and Butter in Bowl
In Sauce Pan, Mix Sugar and Evaporated Milk to a boil on medium
Cook for 8 Minutes after it starts boiling
Pour over Hershey mixture
Add in Vanilla
Beat until everything is melted and thick
Line Cookie Sheet with BUTTERED Wax Paper
Pour into Wax Papered Cookie Sheet
Martha Washington
¼ Pound Butter
2 pounds powdered Sugar
1 Can Eagle Brand Milk
2 Cups Pecans Chopped
2 Cups Coconut
Mix Together well
Wrap in Saran Wrap, twice
Refrigerate
Paraffin
3 of the Big Hershey Bars
Drain Cherry Juice
Put on Plate with Paper towels
Get as dry as possible
Cover individual cherries in cold Sugar/Coconut mixture
Place in Freezer before dipping
Start with half of the bar of paraffin in double boiler – melt in chocolate
If at the end, the chocolate is too thick, shave in more paraffin
Place cherries on toothpicks and dip. When dry, remove toothpicks and spoon chocolate over hole.
Nana's Sugar Cookie Recipe:
3 Cups Sifted Powdered Sugar
2 Cups Margarine (4 Sticks)
2 Teaspoons Vanilla
1 Teaspoon Almond Extract
2 Eggs
5 Cups Flour
2 Teaspoons Cream of Tartar
2 Teaspoons Baking Soda
Cream sugar and margarine; add eggs and flavorings.
Mix well.
Sift dry ingredients and mix with above. Refrigerate 3+ hours.
Preheat Oven to 375.
Divide dough into fourths. Roll out and cut with cookie cutters. Bake on lightly greased baking sheet for 7-8 minutes. Allow to cool before icing.
Icing for Sugar Cookies
1 Stick Margarine, Melted
5 Tablespoons Evaporated Milk
1 Teaspoon Vanilla
1 Box Powdered Sugar
Aromatique The Smell of Christmas Candles and Potpourri:
My mom started buying these candles when I was a little kid, and every year since I've lived away from home, I have filled my bowls with the potpourri and placed candles all around my apartment. Similarly to the tree, this smell really brings me back to childhood and just gives me a warm feeling inside. Unfortunately, there's no scratch and sniff internet pictures, but below is the link to the website.
Nativity Scenes:
I'm so bummed I missed the Christmas Creche exhibit this year at the LDS church on my road because I LOVE nativity scenes. I remember when I first lived in California and decorated for Christmas (which my old roommate actually might love even more than I do), my roommate was surprised by how much "religious stuff" I had amongst my decorations. She said, "Huh, I just never think of Christmas as a really religious holiday - just a family holiday." This attitude generally tends to annoy me, but who am I to deny a family holiday to people who enjoy celebrating it? However, for me, Christmas is first and foremost about the birth of Jesus (Mary's journey, the star, the angel, the wisemen, the stable). Even if you aren't religious, this story is powerful and, to me, represents so much of the magic of Christmas.
This is my (big) nativity scene (I also have a few smaller ones... Also, you can see my smell of Christmas Candles/Potpourri):
Jim Shore Christmas Decorations:
The above nativity is a Jim Shore creation, and I have to say that I LOVE his Christmas decorations. I love the carved wood and the scenes he creates on the individual characters. For instance, I have an angel who's skirt is a nativity scene. You may not be able to tell, but the wise men in my nativity have scenes carved into them 1) with the angle coming to alert them of the news, 2) riding on their camels towards the 3) star over Bethlehem. Anyway, I just think Jim Shore is masterful and I love all of his decorations (including his Disney Traditions collection) and ornaments.
Mariah Carey Christmas CD, Merry Christmas:
Okay, I love ALL Christmas music, but I could listen to Mariah Carey Merry Christmas all year round, and let's be honest, I do. I'm always so excited when Halloween is over because I don't feel (as) crazy for popping this CD in and singing my heart out to it! I haven't gotten the new Mariah Christmas album, mostly because I can't imagine anything being as awesome as the original. I might break down and get it when it goes on sale after Christmas. For now, I'm jamming to this:
A Muppet Christmas Carol:
My very favorite version of The Christmas Carol is the muppet version. Not sure what that says about me, but it's hilarious AND heartwarming.
Kids:
Okay, I always love kids, but kids at Christmas are the best! They are so cute and so excited and so full of belief! I just love it! I very much look forward to/pray for the day when I will have kids of my own at Christmas. Some of my favorite kids at Christmas:
Friends and Family:
Christmas would be nothing if it weren't for friends and family - I think we can all agree on that. No explanations needed here.
There are tons of other things I love at Christmas, including TIME OFF! But I think this list suits the title: a few of my favorite things.
Hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and enjoy YOUR favorite things this Christmas!!!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Applications are In!
Hi friends! You may have been wondering where I have been for the last few weeks. Probably not, but I'm going to tell you anyway.
Since my last post, my life has consisted of practicum work and internship applications. I took all my sad/frustrated/disappointed energy and thrust it into work. Internship applications are no joke, let me tell you. I saw my friends from my old cohort laboring over them last year and submitting things at 11:59pm when they were due at midnight and I swore I would not be in that position this year. And I wasn't! I submitted every single application early! For someone known for procrastinating, this is a huge accomplishment! I feel confident in my essays and cover letters, as well as my recommendation letters, which two of my supervisors shared with me. (On a side note, it's really nice to know that my supervisors think I'm a "natural" therapist and had such positive things to say about me.) Now, I just have to hope that the internship sites actually READ my applications. Having the process online is, in a lot of ways, a huge relief. On the other hand, training directors can search and screen you out based on any number of factors, without ever having read your cover letter or recommendations. For instance, if they decide they want someone with at least 10 integrated assessments, my application will never be looked at and they won't have the opportunity to decided that despite that, I am actually a great applicant. So, I'm just hoping that the sites read my application because (at least for some of them) I think if they read my cover letter and see how passionate I am about their site, they might just want to interview me. I don't know that I'm the greatest interviewer, as in I don't necessarily say all the right answers, but I do know that I'm nice and personable and I am extremely excited and passionate about the work done and the training opportunities at some of these places. I just need the chance!
You would think that I would feel a sense of accomplishment and relief now that my applications are all in, but I actually just feel anxious. My whole life is going to change in a few short months, and uprooting and moving somewhere new is extremely stressful to think about and really hard to do at my age.
In case you want to know where I am applying, below is the list in alphabetical order. I don't want to rank-order them just in case a training director finds my blog. I have googled myself and gone to google blogs and nothing comes up, so I think I'm okay, but you know, just in case. Here is my list of 24, and I will update as I get interviews/rejections:
Community Healthlink, Worcester, Massachusetts
Family Services and Guidance Center, Topeka, Kansas
Franciscan Hospital for Children, Boston, Massachusetts
Harvard Medical School/The Children’s Hospital, Boston, Massachusetts
Institute for Child and Family Health, Inc., Miami, Florida
Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital / Children’s Health Council, Palo Alto, California
Marin County Health and Human Services, San Rafael, California
The Milton Hershey School, Hershey, Pennsylvania
Morrison Child and Family Services, Portland, Oregon
The Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center, New York, New York
Primary Children’s Medical Center, Salt Lake City, Utah
Riverbend Community Mental Health Inc., Concord, New Hampshire
Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center, Santa Monica, California
Suffolk University Counseling Center, Boston, Massachusetts
University of California, Santa Cruz CAPS, Santa Cruz, California
University of Kansas Medical Center, Kansas City, Kansas
University of Maine Counseling Center, Orono, Maine
University of Miami Counseling Center, Miami, Florida
University of New Mexico Health Sciences Center Clinical Child, Albuquerque, New Mexico
University of Notre Dame Counseling Center, South Bend, Indiana
University of Virginia CAPS, Charlottesville, Virginia
The Village for Children and Families, Hartford, Connecticut
WestCoast Children’s Clinic, Oakland, California
Western Youth Services, Orange County, California
Cross your fingers, people!
Update: I'll cross out those I get rejected from and bold those I get interviews at.
Since my last post, my life has consisted of practicum work and internship applications. I took all my sad/frustrated/disappointed energy and thrust it into work. Internship applications are no joke, let me tell you. I saw my friends from my old cohort laboring over them last year and submitting things at 11:59pm when they were due at midnight and I swore I would not be in that position this year. And I wasn't! I submitted every single application early! For someone known for procrastinating, this is a huge accomplishment! I feel confident in my essays and cover letters, as well as my recommendation letters, which two of my supervisors shared with me. (On a side note, it's really nice to know that my supervisors think I'm a "natural" therapist and had such positive things to say about me.) Now, I just have to hope that the internship sites actually READ my applications. Having the process online is, in a lot of ways, a huge relief. On the other hand, training directors can search and screen you out based on any number of factors, without ever having read your cover letter or recommendations. For instance, if they decide they want someone with at least 10 integrated assessments, my application will never be looked at and they won't have the opportunity to decided that despite that, I am actually a great applicant. So, I'm just hoping that the sites read my application because (at least for some of them) I think if they read my cover letter and see how passionate I am about their site, they might just want to interview me. I don't know that I'm the greatest interviewer, as in I don't necessarily say all the right answers, but I do know that I'm nice and personable and I am extremely excited and passionate about the work done and the training opportunities at some of these places. I just need the chance!
You would think that I would feel a sense of accomplishment and relief now that my applications are all in, but I actually just feel anxious. My whole life is going to change in a few short months, and uprooting and moving somewhere new is extremely stressful to think about and really hard to do at my age.
In case you want to know where I am applying, below is the list in alphabetical order. I don't want to rank-order them just in case a training director finds my blog. I have googled myself and gone to google blogs and nothing comes up, so I think I'm okay, but you know, just in case. Here is my list of 24, and I will update as I get interviews/rejections:
Riverbend Community Mental Health Inc., Concord, New Hampshire
Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center, Santa Monica, California
University of Kansas Medical Center, Kansas City, Kansas
Western Youth Services, Orange County, California
Cross your fingers, people!
Update: I'll cross out those I get rejected from and bold those I get interviews at.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Broken Ankle, Broken Heart
Okay, the title is dramatic, as neither are ACTUALLY broken, but both in pain: "Twisted Ankle, Wounded Heart," didn't have as nice of a ring to it.
Things have not been great lately, I'm not going to lie. The exception to that was a few weeks ago when I went to the Red Sox/A's game and got to MEET some of the Red Sox, including Jason Varitek - yes, I cried. I'm not sure when I wrote my last post, but the other exception to this was in August, when I got to go to the Cape Cod/Boston for a few days and see my best friend - that was bittersweet, though, because then I had to turn around and leave again.
Today started off with an 8am client, as most days do for me now, but I am not, never have been and never will be a morning person. As soon as I walked through the door at work, 20 minutes early, mind you, I was accosted by a staff member saying I needed to see someone for an emergency walk-in, and, oh yes, "You're 8am client is also here." Wow, could you maybe let me put my purse/bag/notebook down? Anyway, I saw my 8am client for a full hour, then saw the emergency walk in for 15 minutes, then saw my 9am client for 50 minutes, then saw my 10am client for a full hour, and then I was informed that I had to see another emergency walk-in client, who I saw for half an hour and then my 11am for 45 minutes, cutting into my lunch break. Meanwhile, I have done NO paperwork on all 6 of these people, and my cute heals were rubbing blisters on my feet. I spent what little I had left of lunch break doing paperwork. I also get an email informing me that the man who, for all intents and purposes, seemed (actually, is) perfect for me and I've been falling for for quite a while (yes, I may have imagined our perfect life together and named our children - DON'T JUDGE ME!), in fact, just sees me as a friend. And I started crying... at work... in front of my coworkers... although most of them were in their own worlds, totally unaware, but it's still that, "OH MY GOSH! AM I SERIOUSLY CRYING AT WORK RIGHT NOW," feeling. I pulled myself together... sort of... only to see a client who is grieving the end of a romantic relationship (very hard for me to see the cognitive distortions when I'm thinking the SAME things), and at the end of that session, I stood up and, in true Lindsey fashion, twisted my ankle and fell down... in front of the client. My ankle swelled up, leaving me hobbling to and fro. By the end of the day (6pm - yes that's 10+ hours), my ankle was totally swollen, as were my eyes. I was sobbing before I even got out of the Health and Wellness building, muchless all the way to my car. Fortunately, I did not run into any clients!
All of this on top of some crazy drama/issues going on with dissertation/internship and serious financial problems, and the fact that I am missing 2 very close friends' weddings next week, and the fact that every week someone calls me to tell me they are engaged and the fact that all of these people inevitably say, "I always thought you would be the one to get married first. You are the one who always wanted a husband and kids. That's salt in an open wound, people - I'm just letting you know. I recognize that the following statement is the most irrational thought in the world, but no amount of CBT techniques gets rid of it, and I think it all the time. I feel like because I have had such a good life (i.e., I wasn't raped or molested as a child, I had more than enough of everything. Actually, I was spoiled. I had involved parents and grandparents and extended family and neighbors. I had opportunities to acquire skills and talents and learn in a safe environment)... Anyway, I feel like because I had such a good early life, I am now being punished by like.. God or the universe or karma or something in that the one thing I've always wanted (marriage, children), I will never actually have. Everyone tells me that I need to be okay with the fact that I might just be alone forever and I might not have kids - I should feel appreciative of the fact that I (usually) enjoy my work and I have an education and the ability to support myself... I AM grateful for all of that, but I will never be truly happy (not to say I will be miserable, just not truly happy), until I have a family of my own. I was born to be a wife and mother, first and foremost, and I feel that to my core, not because I think all women are meant to be mothers but because I was meant to be a mother. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me that no one is letting me know about. When I say that to people, they say, "Oh no, Lindsey, you are so nice and sweet, that's not it." Even guys tell me I'm nice and sweet, but somehow nice and sweet does not appear to get me anywhere with men. It's always, "Ohhh, I think we could be best friends," or "Oh, I love you, too, but I love you like a sister." Guys, don't EVER tell someone this, even if that's how you feel. It's like a dagger to the heart. Why am I the best friend? What is it about me that is not the girlfriend? Do I have some horrible deformity that I am blind to but everyone else sees? Am I really hideous looking, but because of repeated exposure to mirror images and pictures of myself, I have grown accustomed to the ugliness? I know that life isn't fair and people don't always get what they want, but it seems like the world is playing a cruel joke on me.
About my current situation, everyone is saying, "Oh, Lindsey. It's his loss." But honestly, and I'm actually not exaggerating or being overly dramatic here, it isn't. It truly is my loss. I mean, I can acknowledge in other situations with guys, they are the ones ultimately missing out, but this is a situation where I literally felt like God placed my perfect match right before me - not that this man is perfect, but that he is so incredibly perfect for me. I'm not going to go into details on a blog, but again, it just feels like an evil joke.
Anyway, my ankle is swollen, my heart hurts, and my eyes will probably be swollen shut tomorrow morning, when I have an 8am meeting... I feel like I've taken a beating, and my most important organ might not recover.
Things have not been great lately, I'm not going to lie. The exception to that was a few weeks ago when I went to the Red Sox/A's game and got to MEET some of the Red Sox, including Jason Varitek - yes, I cried. I'm not sure when I wrote my last post, but the other exception to this was in August, when I got to go to the Cape Cod/Boston for a few days and see my best friend - that was bittersweet, though, because then I had to turn around and leave again.
Today started off with an 8am client, as most days do for me now, but I am not, never have been and never will be a morning person. As soon as I walked through the door at work, 20 minutes early, mind you, I was accosted by a staff member saying I needed to see someone for an emergency walk-in, and, oh yes, "You're 8am client is also here." Wow, could you maybe let me put my purse/bag/notebook down? Anyway, I saw my 8am client for a full hour, then saw the emergency walk in for 15 minutes, then saw my 9am client for 50 minutes, then saw my 10am client for a full hour, and then I was informed that I had to see another emergency walk-in client, who I saw for half an hour and then my 11am for 45 minutes, cutting into my lunch break. Meanwhile, I have done NO paperwork on all 6 of these people, and my cute heals were rubbing blisters on my feet. I spent what little I had left of lunch break doing paperwork. I also get an email informing me that the man who, for all intents and purposes, seemed (actually, is) perfect for me and I've been falling for for quite a while (yes, I may have imagined our perfect life together and named our children - DON'T JUDGE ME!), in fact, just sees me as a friend. And I started crying... at work... in front of my coworkers... although most of them were in their own worlds, totally unaware, but it's still that, "OH MY GOSH! AM I SERIOUSLY CRYING AT WORK RIGHT NOW," feeling. I pulled myself together... sort of... only to see a client who is grieving the end of a romantic relationship (very hard for me to see the cognitive distortions when I'm thinking the SAME things), and at the end of that session, I stood up and, in true Lindsey fashion, twisted my ankle and fell down... in front of the client. My ankle swelled up, leaving me hobbling to and fro. By the end of the day (6pm - yes that's 10+ hours), my ankle was totally swollen, as were my eyes. I was sobbing before I even got out of the Health and Wellness building, muchless all the way to my car. Fortunately, I did not run into any clients!
All of this on top of some crazy drama/issues going on with dissertation/internship and serious financial problems, and the fact that I am missing 2 very close friends' weddings next week, and the fact that every week someone calls me to tell me they are engaged and the fact that all of these people inevitably say, "I always thought you would be the one to get married first. You are the one who always wanted a husband and kids. That's salt in an open wound, people - I'm just letting you know. I recognize that the following statement is the most irrational thought in the world, but no amount of CBT techniques gets rid of it, and I think it all the time. I feel like because I have had such a good life (i.e., I wasn't raped or molested as a child, I had more than enough of everything. Actually, I was spoiled. I had involved parents and grandparents and extended family and neighbors. I had opportunities to acquire skills and talents and learn in a safe environment)... Anyway, I feel like because I had such a good early life, I am now being punished by like.. God or the universe or karma or something in that the one thing I've always wanted (marriage, children), I will never actually have. Everyone tells me that I need to be okay with the fact that I might just be alone forever and I might not have kids - I should feel appreciative of the fact that I (usually) enjoy my work and I have an education and the ability to support myself... I AM grateful for all of that, but I will never be truly happy (not to say I will be miserable, just not truly happy), until I have a family of my own. I was born to be a wife and mother, first and foremost, and I feel that to my core, not because I think all women are meant to be mothers but because I was meant to be a mother. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me that no one is letting me know about. When I say that to people, they say, "Oh no, Lindsey, you are so nice and sweet, that's not it." Even guys tell me I'm nice and sweet, but somehow nice and sweet does not appear to get me anywhere with men. It's always, "Ohhh, I think we could be best friends," or "Oh, I love you, too, but I love you like a sister." Guys, don't EVER tell someone this, even if that's how you feel. It's like a dagger to the heart. Why am I the best friend? What is it about me that is not the girlfriend? Do I have some horrible deformity that I am blind to but everyone else sees? Am I really hideous looking, but because of repeated exposure to mirror images and pictures of myself, I have grown accustomed to the ugliness? I know that life isn't fair and people don't always get what they want, but it seems like the world is playing a cruel joke on me.
About my current situation, everyone is saying, "Oh, Lindsey. It's his loss." But honestly, and I'm actually not exaggerating or being overly dramatic here, it isn't. It truly is my loss. I mean, I can acknowledge in other situations with guys, they are the ones ultimately missing out, but this is a situation where I literally felt like God placed my perfect match right before me - not that this man is perfect, but that he is so incredibly perfect for me. I'm not going to go into details on a blog, but again, it just feels like an evil joke.
Anyway, my ankle is swollen, my heart hurts, and my eyes will probably be swollen shut tomorrow morning, when I have an 8am meeting... I feel like I've taken a beating, and my most important organ might not recover.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Who Are You Grateful For?
The last thing in the world I should be doing right now is writing a blog post, but I've neglected my 3 followers for way too long! :)
A couple of weeks ago, I befriended one of my favorite teachers of all time on Facebook. It wasn't necessarily what this teacher taught me, but her ability to relate to me and the vested interest she took in me during those crucial adolescent years. I had her as a teacher from 7-10th grade - she taught in our gifted and talented program.
Anyway, I think about this teacher a lot, especially when I'm doing therapy with my adolescent clients. I try to remember what made this teacher so awesome and made me feel ::seen:: by her and recreate that same feeling in my therapy sessions. So when she facebook friended me, I thought it would be a good opportunity to let her know that she really impacted me, and really she still influences me and the work that I do. So, I wrote her a facebook message and went on my merry way. Honestly, I assumed every one of her old students had told her at some point what an impact she made because we ALL loved her. My friends from home and I STILL talk about her. But she wrote back and said that she cried reading my letter and she never knew she had such an impact. I thought a few things: 1) I know that other people feel the same way about it and not only can I not believe that people don't tell her all the time how much they appreciate her, but how sad that they don't! and 2) So many people from my past still impact my life for good in the present - I should really let them know, and 3) I realized it often takes having many years perspective to have insight on just how much someone effects you. This teacher definitely knew that I loved her to death in middle and high school, but she really couldn't have known that, 11 years later, I am still so grateful!
I have been working with a population recently that really doesn't have many things to be grateful for - their lives have been horrific, and sometimes I wonder how they have managed not to give up entirely. I've realized that many of these clients haven't had any sort of role model, mentor, or even a positive adult figure in their lives. It seems so unfair that they have had no one, and I have had so many, but it really makes me appreciate who I have been blessed to know.
So, I'm starting a gratefulness project, and once per week, I write an email or facebook message to someone who really impacted my life in some way, even if it was just for a short period of time and even if they don't remember me. So far, the greatest pleasure has been getting it all out, realizing just how much they meant to me, and sharing just how special they are to me. I finish my letter, and I feel soooo grateful. It puts me in such a positive space. This past week, I wrote a college professor, who I know didn't remember me, but he really changed my life and how I view the world and has a daily impact on what I do in therapy with my clients. I expected a message back from my high school teacher, who's known me forever and knows my family, but I did not expect (or need) a message back from this professor. I just wanted to let him know that he makes a difference. But wow, his letter back brought me to tears. Again, I KNOW this professor is LOVED at Tufts - all of my friends who took his classes still talk about him. In fact, while I was on vacation, Ashley and I spent an hour discussing what we learned in his class and how it informs our work. But it seems that no one shares these things with him! Here is an excerpt from his letter:
Lindsey! Your kind words brought tears to my eyes! Really! THANK YOU so much for taking the time to write me and share your memories with me. I have NEVER received such a wonderful letter from a student and you should know that your letter has made me rejoice that I am a teacher. As a teacher, I know that I have the potential to influence, in ways both great and small, the course of someone's life. Your marvelous letter is excellent confirmation! THANK YOU SO MUCH. I will cherish your words forever.
I'm still in shock that a) he wrote back - this man is BUSY and b) he doesn't get letters like this all the time because I KNOW every student who takes his class feels similarly to me. But I guess... it took me 11 years to write my high school teacher and 4 years to write my college professor, so maybe people just put it off, think it's unimportant or never reflect back on those influential people - I'm not sure.
But I do know that it makes me feel good to reflect on all the people who have impacted me significantly in a positive way. So far in my gratefulness project, those people are teachers, but I know for others they are bishops, priests, grandparents, babysitters, neighbors, etc., and I also fully intend to contact people who are not teachers. It just so happens that I fell into this gratefulness exercise by contacting a teacher. It's also pointed out to me that people ALWAYS appreciate being told they mean something to you, and why do we hold those things in? Why not take being grateful one step further and share with those we are grateful for what they mean in our lives?
So, that's my challenge to myself and to you, if you'd like to take it on. Email or write one person who you are grateful for every week and tell her/him exactly how much s/he mean to you. Don't expect a response, just be mindful of the gratefulness you feel and recognize how luck you are to have had that particular person in your life. If they do respond, it's an added bonus.
A couple of weeks ago, I befriended one of my favorite teachers of all time on Facebook. It wasn't necessarily what this teacher taught me, but her ability to relate to me and the vested interest she took in me during those crucial adolescent years. I had her as a teacher from 7-10th grade - she taught in our gifted and talented program.
Anyway, I think about this teacher a lot, especially when I'm doing therapy with my adolescent clients. I try to remember what made this teacher so awesome and made me feel ::seen:: by her and recreate that same feeling in my therapy sessions. So when she facebook friended me, I thought it would be a good opportunity to let her know that she really impacted me, and really she still influences me and the work that I do. So, I wrote her a facebook message and went on my merry way. Honestly, I assumed every one of her old students had told her at some point what an impact she made because we ALL loved her. My friends from home and I STILL talk about her. But she wrote back and said that she cried reading my letter and she never knew she had such an impact. I thought a few things: 1) I know that other people feel the same way about it and not only can I not believe that people don't tell her all the time how much they appreciate her, but how sad that they don't! and 2) So many people from my past still impact my life for good in the present - I should really let them know, and 3) I realized it often takes having many years perspective to have insight on just how much someone effects you. This teacher definitely knew that I loved her to death in middle and high school, but she really couldn't have known that, 11 years later, I am still so grateful!
I have been working with a population recently that really doesn't have many things to be grateful for - their lives have been horrific, and sometimes I wonder how they have managed not to give up entirely. I've realized that many of these clients haven't had any sort of role model, mentor, or even a positive adult figure in their lives. It seems so unfair that they have had no one, and I have had so many, but it really makes me appreciate who I have been blessed to know.
So, I'm starting a gratefulness project, and once per week, I write an email or facebook message to someone who really impacted my life in some way, even if it was just for a short period of time and even if they don't remember me. So far, the greatest pleasure has been getting it all out, realizing just how much they meant to me, and sharing just how special they are to me. I finish my letter, and I feel soooo grateful. It puts me in such a positive space. This past week, I wrote a college professor, who I know didn't remember me, but he really changed my life and how I view the world and has a daily impact on what I do in therapy with my clients. I expected a message back from my high school teacher, who's known me forever and knows my family, but I did not expect (or need) a message back from this professor. I just wanted to let him know that he makes a difference. But wow, his letter back brought me to tears. Again, I KNOW this professor is LOVED at Tufts - all of my friends who took his classes still talk about him. In fact, while I was on vacation, Ashley and I spent an hour discussing what we learned in his class and how it informs our work. But it seems that no one shares these things with him! Here is an excerpt from his letter:
Lindsey! Your kind words brought tears to my eyes! Really! THANK YOU so much for taking the time to write me and share your memories with me. I have NEVER received such a wonderful letter from a student and you should know that your letter has made me rejoice that I am a teacher. As a teacher, I know that I have the potential to influence, in ways both great and small, the course of someone's life. Your marvelous letter is excellent confirmation! THANK YOU SO MUCH. I will cherish your words forever.
I'm still in shock that a) he wrote back - this man is BUSY and b) he doesn't get letters like this all the time because I KNOW every student who takes his class feels similarly to me. But I guess... it took me 11 years to write my high school teacher and 4 years to write my college professor, so maybe people just put it off, think it's unimportant or never reflect back on those influential people - I'm not sure.
But I do know that it makes me feel good to reflect on all the people who have impacted me significantly in a positive way. So far in my gratefulness project, those people are teachers, but I know for others they are bishops, priests, grandparents, babysitters, neighbors, etc., and I also fully intend to contact people who are not teachers. It just so happens that I fell into this gratefulness exercise by contacting a teacher. It's also pointed out to me that people ALWAYS appreciate being told they mean something to you, and why do we hold those things in? Why not take being grateful one step further and share with those we are grateful for what they mean in our lives?
So, that's my challenge to myself and to you, if you'd like to take it on. Email or write one person who you are grateful for every week and tell her/him exactly how much s/he mean to you. Don't expect a response, just be mindful of the gratefulness you feel and recognize how luck you are to have had that particular person in your life. If they do respond, it's an added bonus.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Romantic Comedies
I'm playing around on my computer with Jay Leno in the background, but this joke caught my attention and made me laugh:
New research shows that romantic comedies ruin relationships because women who watch them develop unrealistic expectations... So basically the same thing that porn does for men.
It's so true! I think it's really hard for women these days to be happy in relationships because we grow up with Disney movies telling us our prince will come and we'll live happily ever after. Then we watch romantic comedies that may show some relational turmoil, but in the end, things work out, people end up happy and together.
I'm not going to lie, I love these kinds of movies! I mean, I STILL watch Disney movies, and I regularly watch things like Hitch, The Holiday, Because I Said So, etc. Even further, I really hated movies such as 500 Days of Summer, The Last Kiss, etc. Know why? Because they were realistic! They didn't have happy endings, and I hate when things don't have happy endings. I want to imagine that things will work out, that love overrides difficulties, that people won't hurt each other, even though this CLEARLY isn't the case.
But dang it, I hear everyone's sad stories all week, and OBVIOUSLY my relationships haven't ended happily, so when I want to relax and watch a movie, I don't want realistic, I want what I dream of - the happy ending. I feel like even though Jay Leno's joke was funny, this actually could be hindering my ability to get into good relationships... like maybe my standards are too high. But then I feel like I shouldn't lower my standards - that seems a little desperate.
I don't know - it's something to think about. I think I have realistic expectations about what relationships are actually like and the problems that arise and even when it's time to walk away, but maybe it's a matter of finding someone to be in a relationship with that I am unrealistic about. Maybe this is TMI for a blog..
Just go back up to the top and read that joke again and forget everything else. :)
New research shows that romantic comedies ruin relationships because women who watch them develop unrealistic expectations... So basically the same thing that porn does for men.
It's so true! I think it's really hard for women these days to be happy in relationships because we grow up with Disney movies telling us our prince will come and we'll live happily ever after. Then we watch romantic comedies that may show some relational turmoil, but in the end, things work out, people end up happy and together.
I'm not going to lie, I love these kinds of movies! I mean, I STILL watch Disney movies, and I regularly watch things like Hitch, The Holiday, Because I Said So, etc. Even further, I really hated movies such as 500 Days of Summer, The Last Kiss, etc. Know why? Because they were realistic! They didn't have happy endings, and I hate when things don't have happy endings. I want to imagine that things will work out, that love overrides difficulties, that people won't hurt each other, even though this CLEARLY isn't the case.
But dang it, I hear everyone's sad stories all week, and OBVIOUSLY my relationships haven't ended happily, so when I want to relax and watch a movie, I don't want realistic, I want what I dream of - the happy ending. I feel like even though Jay Leno's joke was funny, this actually could be hindering my ability to get into good relationships... like maybe my standards are too high. But then I feel like I shouldn't lower my standards - that seems a little desperate.
I don't know - it's something to think about. I think I have realistic expectations about what relationships are actually like and the problems that arise and even when it's time to walk away, but maybe it's a matter of finding someone to be in a relationship with that I am unrealistic about. Maybe this is TMI for a blog..
Just go back up to the top and read that joke again and forget everything else. :)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
I'm like... an adult...???
Tonight I took a quick trip to the grocery store at around 10:30 for some essentials that I literally couldn't make it through the night without. There was, of course, only one checker, given the time of night, and there were about 6 people in line ahead of me that were, I would venture to guess, somewhere between ages 23-28. Each of them had one item: a six-pack of beer.
My thought, as I stood in line thumbing through a Cooking Light magazine and feeling slightly annoyed that they didn't all just pay together was, "Oh, they must be having a BBQ or going to the beach tomorrow."
The first girl to check-out pulled out her cell phone, while waiting for the others, and her end of the conversation went something like this:
"Hey babe. Yeah, we're getting the beer now. I think the plan is to go over to B's house, drink the beer and then hit up the bars."
This startled me, and I looked from my magazine to my watch. What startles me more is my thought process that followed:
"Good grief! It's almost 11 o'clock! Who starts drinking this late? Who even goes out this late? Are these college kids? No, they look my age. Do they not realize how late is it? What day is it? Isn't it... Oh, I guess it's Friday... Hmm, do people my age go out this late on the weekends? Don't they have other things to do like studying or sleeping? Wait, is this what normal people who have normal jobs and aren't grad students look like?"
I realize that I'm awake at 2am, but I have been in my PJs since about 11:15 and I've been reading about treatments for various psychological disorders and drinking Diet Dr. Pepper. Let's face it, if I had a "night out," it wouldn't look like that, but most of my "nights out," which admittedly feel very few and far between, start around 6 or 7pm and end by midnight... probably earlier...
When I was in undergrad, I recall a time where 11pm was when the parties started. I didn't realize that carried over into real life... It certainly did not carry over into my life. The only thing I need to complete this picture is a cat.
My thought, as I stood in line thumbing through a Cooking Light magazine and feeling slightly annoyed that they didn't all just pay together was, "Oh, they must be having a BBQ or going to the beach tomorrow."
The first girl to check-out pulled out her cell phone, while waiting for the others, and her end of the conversation went something like this:
"Hey babe. Yeah, we're getting the beer now. I think the plan is to go over to B's house, drink the beer and then hit up the bars."
This startled me, and I looked from my magazine to my watch. What startles me more is my thought process that followed:
"Good grief! It's almost 11 o'clock! Who starts drinking this late? Who even goes out this late? Are these college kids? No, they look my age. Do they not realize how late is it? What day is it? Isn't it... Oh, I guess it's Friday... Hmm, do people my age go out this late on the weekends? Don't they have other things to do like studying or sleeping? Wait, is this what normal people who have normal jobs and aren't grad students look like?"
I realize that I'm awake at 2am, but I have been in my PJs since about 11:15 and I've been reading about treatments for various psychological disorders and drinking Diet Dr. Pepper. Let's face it, if I had a "night out," it wouldn't look like that, but most of my "nights out," which admittedly feel very few and far between, start around 6 or 7pm and end by midnight... probably earlier...
When I was in undergrad, I recall a time where 11pm was when the parties started. I didn't realize that carried over into real life... It certainly did not carry over into my life. The only thing I need to complete this picture is a cat.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Stuff and Things
Clearly, I was distraught when writing my last post. I'm better now, don't worry. I needed a couple days of crying and feeling terrible and watching and reading Harry Potter. Harry Potter seriously gets me through everything - breakups, school stress, the quarterlife crisis and now failing the comp. I'm not sure what it is; possibly a combination some DBT coping skills (distraction, imagery, mini-vacation, mindfully attending to one thing) and simply the fact that when all's said and done, failing my comp (or getting broken up with or constant stress and lack of sleep) are really nothing compared to being hunted by the most evil and powerful wizard of all time and his gang of Death Eaters. I'm just sayin...
Anywho, it also helped to get feedback and discover that my failure of the test was little more than differences in style between a couple of the graders (mine went to a tie-breaking 3rd grader) and myself. I'm not incompetent, and in fact performed quite well on almost all domains of the test. People from all around have come out of the woodwork (colleagues, professors, my own therapist) to tell me that they failed their comp and most importantly that it's just another flaming hoop one has to jump through to get through the punishment that is grad school.
At this very moment, I'm procrastinating from my re-study for the next comp administration on Wednesday. (I'm about to complain, feel free to stop reading). I know it's important to study, and I certainly don't want to fail again, but UGH it sucks so much! It's not even the studying, it's the fact that I have to go sit in a room for another 4.5-6 hours (there was a lot of waiting around during the last administration that lengthened the time I expected to be there by about 2 hours) and go through the anxiety and pain of it all again. I'm getting a knot in my stomach just thinking about it.
In other news, I think I'm doing some good work with my clients, and that is always positive, as well as helpful for me to remember in times like these. I love it when clients surprise me in a good way, especially if it's parents of clients, as they are the ones who will ultimately help their children the most!
I wish you could see my bed right now, there are books everywhere - I feel a little bit like Hermione (sorry, I'm on an HP kick, as mentioned before.) with my bookishness. I've never figured out how to upload photos to this thing (to my credit, I have also never tried), but if I had a picture, you would see the following partially-read books strewn around my bed/nightstand and floor:
Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager - Scott P. Sells, Ph.D.
Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep them Talking to You and How to Hear What They're Really Saying - Michael Riera, Ph.D.
Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Empowering Your Teen and Yourself through Kind and Firm Parenting - Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Lynn Lott, M.A., M.F.T.
Scream Free Parenting - Hal Edward Runkel, L.M.F.T.
Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder - Marsha M. Linehan, Ph.D.
Women, Food and God - Geneen Roth
Marley and Me - John Grogan
Finished:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling (I think this was my 7th time? Eek, I'm such a freakazoid!)
The Triple Bind - Stephen Hinshaw, Ph.D.
I Am an Emotional Creature - Eve Ensler
Now, I always recommend Harry Potter to anyone, but aside from that, I have to say that The Triple Bind literally changed the way I view... life. It's about adolescent girls and what our culture has done to them, but I think people from my generation can also relate. I HIGHLY recommend this book to any woman, anyone who has daughters (regardless of age), plans on having children in the future, has family/friends/coworkers with daughters or little sisters, works with children or teenagers in any way (Amy, you should read this), etc., etc. It's changed the way I think about myself, my younger cousins, people I grew up with, and especially my clients.
I Am an Emotional Creature was recommended to me by a colleague at practicum - it's also for and about adolescent girls all over the world, written by the same author as the Vagina Monologues. It's a collection of poems and stories, well written, but depressing. I posted my favorite excerpt a few blogs ago, and I feel like that's the one most worth reading unless you are in a depressed kind of mood.
All the parenting books on my list are really so that I can help my clients' parents, and I imagine they will help me to be a better therapist to my clients, as well.
I'll let you know what I think of Women, Food and God when I finish. Right now I think I'm resistant to it, but that's mostly because I know I use food as a means of comfort. It came highly recommended by my best friend.
I'm reading Marley and Me because I loved the movie and also because I read another book by John Grogan called The Longest Trip Home, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone looking for a book that will make you laugh (a lot) and cry (a little) and think about family, God, life, death and life-after-death.
Anyway, it's nice to be surrounded by books that I'm interested in reading, even if some of them are for work. Now, if I could just pass the comp so that I don't feel guilty about reading them... well, except that then they will serve as procrastination from my dissertation.
Ohhhh procrastination, I suppose I have done enough of that by now, so I leave you with this - totally hilarious and describes my life perfectly!
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
Anywho, it also helped to get feedback and discover that my failure of the test was little more than differences in style between a couple of the graders (mine went to a tie-breaking 3rd grader) and myself. I'm not incompetent, and in fact performed quite well on almost all domains of the test. People from all around have come out of the woodwork (colleagues, professors, my own therapist) to tell me that they failed their comp and most importantly that it's just another flaming hoop one has to jump through to get through the punishment that is grad school.
At this very moment, I'm procrastinating from my re-study for the next comp administration on Wednesday. (I'm about to complain, feel free to stop reading). I know it's important to study, and I certainly don't want to fail again, but UGH it sucks so much! It's not even the studying, it's the fact that I have to go sit in a room for another 4.5-6 hours (there was a lot of waiting around during the last administration that lengthened the time I expected to be there by about 2 hours) and go through the anxiety and pain of it all again. I'm getting a knot in my stomach just thinking about it.
In other news, I think I'm doing some good work with my clients, and that is always positive, as well as helpful for me to remember in times like these. I love it when clients surprise me in a good way, especially if it's parents of clients, as they are the ones who will ultimately help their children the most!
I wish you could see my bed right now, there are books everywhere - I feel a little bit like Hermione (sorry, I'm on an HP kick, as mentioned before.) with my bookishness. I've never figured out how to upload photos to this thing (to my credit, I have also never tried), but if I had a picture, you would see the following partially-read books strewn around my bed/nightstand and floor:
Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager - Scott P. Sells, Ph.D.
Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep them Talking to You and How to Hear What They're Really Saying - Michael Riera, Ph.D.
Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Empowering Your Teen and Yourself through Kind and Firm Parenting - Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Lynn Lott, M.A., M.F.T.
Scream Free Parenting - Hal Edward Runkel, L.M.F.T.
Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder - Marsha M. Linehan, Ph.D.
Women, Food and God - Geneen Roth
Marley and Me - John Grogan
Finished:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling (I think this was my 7th time? Eek, I'm such a freakazoid!)
The Triple Bind - Stephen Hinshaw, Ph.D.
I Am an Emotional Creature - Eve Ensler
Now, I always recommend Harry Potter to anyone, but aside from that, I have to say that The Triple Bind literally changed the way I view... life. It's about adolescent girls and what our culture has done to them, but I think people from my generation can also relate. I HIGHLY recommend this book to any woman, anyone who has daughters (regardless of age), plans on having children in the future, has family/friends/coworkers with daughters or little sisters, works with children or teenagers in any way (Amy, you should read this), etc., etc. It's changed the way I think about myself, my younger cousins, people I grew up with, and especially my clients.
I Am an Emotional Creature was recommended to me by a colleague at practicum - it's also for and about adolescent girls all over the world, written by the same author as the Vagina Monologues. It's a collection of poems and stories, well written, but depressing. I posted my favorite excerpt a few blogs ago, and I feel like that's the one most worth reading unless you are in a depressed kind of mood.
All the parenting books on my list are really so that I can help my clients' parents, and I imagine they will help me to be a better therapist to my clients, as well.
I'll let you know what I think of Women, Food and God when I finish. Right now I think I'm resistant to it, but that's mostly because I know I use food as a means of comfort. It came highly recommended by my best friend.
I'm reading Marley and Me because I loved the movie and also because I read another book by John Grogan called The Longest Trip Home, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone looking for a book that will make you laugh (a lot) and cry (a little) and think about family, God, life, death and life-after-death.
Anyway, it's nice to be surrounded by books that I'm interested in reading, even if some of them are for work. Now, if I could just pass the comp so that I don't feel guilty about reading them... well, except that then they will serve as procrastination from my dissertation.
Ohhhh procrastination, I suppose I have done enough of that by now, so I leave you with this - totally hilarious and describes my life perfectly!
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Epic Fail is an Understatement
I failed my comp exam.
I found out at about 11:15 last night, which is another story in and of itself (we were supposed to find out by 5pm on Wednesday).
I was already feeling overwhelmed with how much work I have to get done this summer on my dissertation and internship applications, and now I have to set all that aside and re-study for the retake of this exam.
What if I fail again? I seriously could get kicked out of grad school, not even earning a Master's after 3 years. Then what the heck would I do with my life?
The crazy part is that there have been many times in my life that I have left exams feeling like I failed, and then I did okay, but this time around I actually felt okay about it. I mean, I was unsure, but after going over my notes and diagnoses in the DSM, I felt like I did okay- maybe I got a marginal on a couple sections, but not enough to fail the whole exam.
I have failed things before - a couple of stats tests come to mind, a biopsych test, and an astronomy test... The first paper I turned in at Exeter just had a big red X across it and my teacher made me rewrite it... And I definitely failed some math tests at Exeter... But never before have I felt so... well, for lack of a better word, worthless. I always knew I could bounce back from those failures, but suddenly with this one, my whole future seems to be slipping through my fingers.
I know that sounds dramatic, but seriously, what if I fail it again? What if I actually can't continue in grad school?
There's also the fact that this exam is supposed to be for me to prove to the executive committee that I am a competent clinician. I don't always feel 100% confident in myself as a therapist, but it is something that, up until this point, I feel like I excel at. This failure feels like someone saying, "Actually, you suck at what you do. In fact, maybe you should just pick another career, preferably where people's lives aren't in your hands." And that's my whole... being. I mean, there's not a lot else that I like about myself. Grad school has made me fat and haggard, so I don't feel attractive. I am always busy, so I don't feel particularly fun. I'm good at singing, but I'm not good enough to make it as a musician. So being good at what I do is essentially where I derive my self worth from, and now I'm being told by the school, "Oh forgot all those kids who you helped get off drugs, it doesn't matter that you helped teenagers stop feeling suicidal, you aren't a competent clinician and this exam proves it." It feels like everything I've worked for up to now was just pointless.
I feel empty, and I'm going to go ahead and take back what I have previously said about a broken heart being the worst feeling in the world. Empty is definitely worse. At least with a broken heart, you are hurting over something that seems worthwhile - you feel worthwhile yourself, like you have something to offer someone, otherwise it wouldn't hurt so bad. Emptiness just feels like I really have nothing to offer.
I found out at about 11:15 last night, which is another story in and of itself (we were supposed to find out by 5pm on Wednesday).
I was already feeling overwhelmed with how much work I have to get done this summer on my dissertation and internship applications, and now I have to set all that aside and re-study for the retake of this exam.
What if I fail again? I seriously could get kicked out of grad school, not even earning a Master's after 3 years. Then what the heck would I do with my life?
The crazy part is that there have been many times in my life that I have left exams feeling like I failed, and then I did okay, but this time around I actually felt okay about it. I mean, I was unsure, but after going over my notes and diagnoses in the DSM, I felt like I did okay- maybe I got a marginal on a couple sections, but not enough to fail the whole exam.
I have failed things before - a couple of stats tests come to mind, a biopsych test, and an astronomy test... The first paper I turned in at Exeter just had a big red X across it and my teacher made me rewrite it... And I definitely failed some math tests at Exeter... But never before have I felt so... well, for lack of a better word, worthless. I always knew I could bounce back from those failures, but suddenly with this one, my whole future seems to be slipping through my fingers.
I know that sounds dramatic, but seriously, what if I fail it again? What if I actually can't continue in grad school?
There's also the fact that this exam is supposed to be for me to prove to the executive committee that I am a competent clinician. I don't always feel 100% confident in myself as a therapist, but it is something that, up until this point, I feel like I excel at. This failure feels like someone saying, "Actually, you suck at what you do. In fact, maybe you should just pick another career, preferably where people's lives aren't in your hands." And that's my whole... being. I mean, there's not a lot else that I like about myself. Grad school has made me fat and haggard, so I don't feel attractive. I am always busy, so I don't feel particularly fun. I'm good at singing, but I'm not good enough to make it as a musician. So being good at what I do is essentially where I derive my self worth from, and now I'm being told by the school, "Oh forgot all those kids who you helped get off drugs, it doesn't matter that you helped teenagers stop feeling suicidal, you aren't a competent clinician and this exam proves it." It feels like everything I've worked for up to now was just pointless.
I feel empty, and I'm going to go ahead and take back what I have previously said about a broken heart being the worst feeling in the world. Empty is definitely worse. At least with a broken heart, you are hurting over something that seems worthwhile - you feel worthwhile yourself, like you have something to offer someone, otherwise it wouldn't hurt so bad. Emptiness just feels like I really have nothing to offer.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Hey, I'm back!
Hello avid followers - all 2 of you!
I have emerged from the black hole known as grad school, and I am alive and somewhat well.
In the last month, I have:
-celebrated the marriages of two of my closest friends in the world
--cried many tears in the process of letting those friends go
-written approximately 100 pages of school-related nonsense
-given several presentations
-pulled many all-nighters
-taken two of the hardest exams of my life
-terminated with kid clients, most of whom cried, and one where I couldn't hold back the tears myself because my heart is perhaps a little too big, and sometimes I love too much
-been infuriated with people's parenting, or lack thereof
-attended an 8th grade graduation and felt what can only be described as a "Proud Momma" feeling
-been told by a 14 year old that s/he would have committed suicide if it weren't for me
-been told by a 12 year old that s/he said no to marijuana because of me, even though his/her friends all succumbed
-been told by a 14 year old that I was the only person s/he had, the only person who really knows him/her
-cried a lot
-read The Triple Bind and recommend it to anyone who works with girls, has a child, or ever intends to be a parent
-begun my own therapy, and learned a lot about myself in the process
-achieved a 3.73 final GPA for my classes in grad school
-procrastinated from my dissertation proposal (which is what i'm doing right now)
-found a roommate
--lost that found roommate due to parents who can't let go
-worried
-worried some more
-posted 6 ads on craigslist, as well as roommates.com, roomster.com, facebook, twitter, stanford community housing, google and microsoft lists
-held hands with someone who makes all of those troubles melt away and genuinely makes me feel happy
-been confused by that someone and what exactly holding hands means to him
-seen my friend from Ethiopia for the first time in 3 years, and taken her to the airport to start her new adventures in south africa
-watched 1 world cup game - we lost
-played with tara's girls
-had my first beach trip of 2010
-gotten sunburned
-read "I am an Emotional Creature," which was actually really depressing
-run through the gammut of emotions
-loved my friends
-survived.
And that's what you've missed...
On a somewhat unrelated note, I want to speak about 8th grade graduation at Egan.
There were several student speakers at graduation, all very impressive, but the last of whom I did not know. I was SHOCKED by her speech, not only because it was so advanced that I needed a dictionary, or at least a set of SAT prep vocabulary cards, but also by the message. I'm not going to lie, it was a great speech, and I don't want to take anything away from her. The teachers were whispering about how she was the most amazing student ever and how she's going somewhere.
I hope that's the case. I hope she doesn't end up on the train tracks, like so many other Palo Alto/Los Altos kids.
I can't remember the metaphor she used in the speech, which is funny because I remember thinking that the majority of the 8th graders likely didn't even get the metaphor because it was so abstract and advanced, but the basic gist was that the kids need to try harder, to be better, to strive for more. Normally, I'd say that's a great message. In Los Altos, however, I'm not sure. Yes, of course there are the spoiled brat kids who could use some work/discipline/community service in their lives. Everyone needs that, but there are also the kids whose parents went to Stanford/Harvard/Duke, etc., who feel that they will NEVER be good enough, smart enough, strong enough - who feel like they have to please everyone - their teachers, their parents, their coaches, their friends. They are kids who stay up until 2am doing their homework in 8th grade because they have to get a 4.0 - I wouldn't be surprised if this girl was one of them. They are 13 year olds who are doing extracurriculars, not because they love dancing or singing or sports, but because they "need those things to get into a good college." Yeah, you read that right - 13 and already not enjoying their lives because it's all geared towards being the best, getting into the best college, pleasing everyone. The first time I even thought to do an extracurricular that would beef up my resume was junior year of high school, not 7th or 8th grade. I was busy then, but I loved dancing and cheerleading and music lessons. For these kids, it's just something they have to do. So sad.
In her speech, she said something to the effect of, "It's 7am on Saturday morning. The birds are chirping outside and the whole day is ahead of you. Are you going to roll over and sleep in - waste precious hours that you could be dedicating to helping others or the environment - or are you going to wake up and say, "Today and every day I pledge to make a difference?" We are all busy during the week, attending school, playing sports, doing homework and practicing music - the five days of the week are generally dedicated to bettering ourselves. That means we cannot be wasteful of our weekends. We must choose to dedicate those hours to others - by doing this we will better ourselves and the world. So are you going to roll over and go back to sleep this Saturday morning when the sun appears over the horizon, or are you going to make a difference?"
She makes a valid point, but she is in 8th grade! These kids, who attend the #2 ranked middle school in the state, already work their butts off all week long, and do absurd amounts of extracurriculars, which they don't enjoy, to please other people. They are 13 and 14 years old - CHILDREN! Sure, community service is great, but so is self-care and being a kid! These kids DESERVE a break and to sleep in on Saturday morning, especially the ones who are only sleeping 4-5 hours a night because of their insane workload. 14 year olds need about 10-12 hours of sleep per night - their frontal cortexes are just being to develop important connections! Somehow the culture in this area has made parents insane: Wanting their kids to be the best, they sacrifice sleep and health and CHILDHOOD. And then they wonder why there is an epidemic of 13-17 year olds jumping in front of trains. They wonder why their kids are using drugs and cutting their wrists and sexually promiscuous. The answer is right in front of their faces - this "must-go-to-Stanford" culture has stolen the kids' individuality, their personalities, their freedom, their ability to make decisions for themselves, their last years of childhood, and ultimately, their happiness.
When I have kids, I know I will want them to go to Exeter, to go to good colleges, to succeed. But, more than anything else, I want them to be kids for as long as possible, to raise them to be good people and then step back and let them make choices for themselves, to let them find and pursue their passions, without worrying about whether those passions will get them into an Ivy League. I will show them the joy that service brings as children, but allow them to be egosyntonic in adolescence, with the hope that I have instilled important values, that will manifest more as they mature. I don't want to ever see the light in their eyes dim and eventually go out the way I have seen in so many kids' eyes in this area.
The culture here, in so many ways, is telling us that self-care is unnecessary and selfish, unless it's achievement oriented, but tell me, how is one to care for others and for the world, when s/he does not love him/herself?
***
I did not proof read this, so I apologize for typos or grammatical errors. I also appreciate anyone who actually read through this entire rant!
I have emerged from the black hole known as grad school, and I am alive and somewhat well.
In the last month, I have:
-celebrated the marriages of two of my closest friends in the world
--cried many tears in the process of letting those friends go
-written approximately 100 pages of school-related nonsense
-given several presentations
-pulled many all-nighters
-taken two of the hardest exams of my life
-terminated with kid clients, most of whom cried, and one where I couldn't hold back the tears myself because my heart is perhaps a little too big, and sometimes I love too much
-been infuriated with people's parenting, or lack thereof
-attended an 8th grade graduation and felt what can only be described as a "Proud Momma" feeling
-been told by a 14 year old that s/he would have committed suicide if it weren't for me
-been told by a 12 year old that s/he said no to marijuana because of me, even though his/her friends all succumbed
-been told by a 14 year old that I was the only person s/he had, the only person who really knows him/her
-cried a lot
-read The Triple Bind and recommend it to anyone who works with girls, has a child, or ever intends to be a parent
-begun my own therapy, and learned a lot about myself in the process
-achieved a 3.73 final GPA for my classes in grad school
-procrastinated from my dissertation proposal (which is what i'm doing right now)
-found a roommate
--lost that found roommate due to parents who can't let go
-worried
-worried some more
-posted 6 ads on craigslist, as well as roommates.com, roomster.com, facebook, twitter, stanford community housing, google and microsoft lists
-held hands with someone who makes all of those troubles melt away and genuinely makes me feel happy
-been confused by that someone and what exactly holding hands means to him
-seen my friend from Ethiopia for the first time in 3 years, and taken her to the airport to start her new adventures in south africa
-watched 1 world cup game - we lost
-played with tara's girls
-had my first beach trip of 2010
-gotten sunburned
-read "I am an Emotional Creature," which was actually really depressing
-run through the gammut of emotions
-loved my friends
-survived.
And that's what you've missed...
On a somewhat unrelated note, I want to speak about 8th grade graduation at Egan.
There were several student speakers at graduation, all very impressive, but the last of whom I did not know. I was SHOCKED by her speech, not only because it was so advanced that I needed a dictionary, or at least a set of SAT prep vocabulary cards, but also by the message. I'm not going to lie, it was a great speech, and I don't want to take anything away from her. The teachers were whispering about how she was the most amazing student ever and how she's going somewhere.
I hope that's the case. I hope she doesn't end up on the train tracks, like so many other Palo Alto/Los Altos kids.
I can't remember the metaphor she used in the speech, which is funny because I remember thinking that the majority of the 8th graders likely didn't even get the metaphor because it was so abstract and advanced, but the basic gist was that the kids need to try harder, to be better, to strive for more. Normally, I'd say that's a great message. In Los Altos, however, I'm not sure. Yes, of course there are the spoiled brat kids who could use some work/discipline/community service in their lives. Everyone needs that, but there are also the kids whose parents went to Stanford/Harvard/Duke, etc., who feel that they will NEVER be good enough, smart enough, strong enough - who feel like they have to please everyone - their teachers, their parents, their coaches, their friends. They are kids who stay up until 2am doing their homework in 8th grade because they have to get a 4.0 - I wouldn't be surprised if this girl was one of them. They are 13 year olds who are doing extracurriculars, not because they love dancing or singing or sports, but because they "need those things to get into a good college." Yeah, you read that right - 13 and already not enjoying their lives because it's all geared towards being the best, getting into the best college, pleasing everyone. The first time I even thought to do an extracurricular that would beef up my resume was junior year of high school, not 7th or 8th grade. I was busy then, but I loved dancing and cheerleading and music lessons. For these kids, it's just something they have to do. So sad.
In her speech, she said something to the effect of, "It's 7am on Saturday morning. The birds are chirping outside and the whole day is ahead of you. Are you going to roll over and sleep in - waste precious hours that you could be dedicating to helping others or the environment - or are you going to wake up and say, "Today and every day I pledge to make a difference?" We are all busy during the week, attending school, playing sports, doing homework and practicing music - the five days of the week are generally dedicated to bettering ourselves. That means we cannot be wasteful of our weekends. We must choose to dedicate those hours to others - by doing this we will better ourselves and the world. So are you going to roll over and go back to sleep this Saturday morning when the sun appears over the horizon, or are you going to make a difference?"
She makes a valid point, but she is in 8th grade! These kids, who attend the #2 ranked middle school in the state, already work their butts off all week long, and do absurd amounts of extracurriculars, which they don't enjoy, to please other people. They are 13 and 14 years old - CHILDREN! Sure, community service is great, but so is self-care and being a kid! These kids DESERVE a break and to sleep in on Saturday morning, especially the ones who are only sleeping 4-5 hours a night because of their insane workload. 14 year olds need about 10-12 hours of sleep per night - their frontal cortexes are just being to develop important connections! Somehow the culture in this area has made parents insane: Wanting their kids to be the best, they sacrifice sleep and health and CHILDHOOD. And then they wonder why there is an epidemic of 13-17 year olds jumping in front of trains. They wonder why their kids are using drugs and cutting their wrists and sexually promiscuous. The answer is right in front of their faces - this "must-go-to-Stanford" culture has stolen the kids' individuality, their personalities, their freedom, their ability to make decisions for themselves, their last years of childhood, and ultimately, their happiness.
When I have kids, I know I will want them to go to Exeter, to go to good colleges, to succeed. But, more than anything else, I want them to be kids for as long as possible, to raise them to be good people and then step back and let them make choices for themselves, to let them find and pursue their passions, without worrying about whether those passions will get them into an Ivy League. I will show them the joy that service brings as children, but allow them to be egosyntonic in adolescence, with the hope that I have instilled important values, that will manifest more as they mature. I don't want to ever see the light in their eyes dim and eventually go out the way I have seen in so many kids' eyes in this area.
The culture here, in so many ways, is telling us that self-care is unnecessary and selfish, unless it's achievement oriented, but tell me, how is one to care for others and for the world, when s/he does not love him/herself?
***
I did not proof read this, so I apologize for typos or grammatical errors. I also appreciate anyone who actually read through this entire rant!
Excerpt from Eve Ensler's, "I Am an Emotional Creature"
I love being a girl.
I can feel what you're feeling
as you're feeling it inside
the feeling
before.
I am an emotional creature.
Things do not come to me
as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas.
They pulse through my organs and legs
and burn up my ears...
I am an emotional creature.
I love that I do not take things lightly.
Everything is intense to me...
I know that one kiss can take
away all my decision-making ability
and sometimes, you know, it should.
This is not extreme.
It's a girl thing...
I love that I can feel the inside
of the feelings in you,
even if it stops my life
even if it hurts too much
or takes me off track
even if it breaks my heart.
It makes me responsible.
I am an emotional
I am an emotional, devotional,
incandotional creature.
And I love, hear me,
love love love
being a girl. - Eve Ensler
I can feel what you're feeling
as you're feeling it inside
the feeling
before.
I am an emotional creature.
Things do not come to me
as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas.
They pulse through my organs and legs
and burn up my ears...
I am an emotional creature.
I love that I do not take things lightly.
Everything is intense to me...
I know that one kiss can take
away all my decision-making ability
and sometimes, you know, it should.
This is not extreme.
It's a girl thing...
I love that I can feel the inside
of the feelings in you,
even if it stops my life
even if it hurts too much
or takes me off track
even if it breaks my heart.
It makes me responsible.
I am an emotional
I am an emotional, devotional,
incandotional creature.
And I love, hear me,
love love love
being a girl. - Eve Ensler
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Rated R Movies lead to underage drinking?
Really interesting article on kids' exposure to Rated R movies and drinking habits: http://dms.dartmouth.edu/news/2010/04/26_tanski.shtml
I definitely didn't watch Rated R movies, even in high school. I wonder if this is one of the reasons I never had the desire to drink/use drugs/do anything out of line as an adolescent?
I definitely didn't watch Rated R movies, even in high school. I wonder if this is one of the reasons I never had the desire to drink/use drugs/do anything out of line as an adolescent?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Boundaries on the Internet
And here I am posting a public blog about it.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/29/AR2010032902942.html
Here's what I posted when I first read this:
It is interesting. I think I fall into the younger therapist category that thinks it's less harmful than people are making it out to be. On the other hand, I don't work or intend to work with people who I would worry about seeing my FB profile (with that said, my profile is very private).
The last quote about patients seeing the therapist as only existing in the context of therapy and the internet ruining that is totally counterintuitive to how I approach therapy. If the adolescents I work with don't see me as a real person with a life, there's no way for me to get through to them. As it is, I use a lot of disclosure and I'm very transparent with them. I find that this allows teens to trust me, while recognizing my fallibility, allowing for quicker and easier repairs of ruptures.
I also Facebook my adolescent clients (but not my adults), both to see if they are lying to me (which 14 year olds tend to do), and also out of curiosity, which this article is making me question. I feel like it always informs treatment, though, even if it's just finding common interests, so I can get a kid's buy-in to my credibility (in the sense that they believe I can understand their lives). I also discuss the internet with my adolescents a LOT, because so much of their drama comes from the internet. I allow them to pull up their profiles and those of their friends, as well as email conversations or text messages. I agree with one of the quotes that if the work can be done IN SESSION, it's even better. Or at least, it doesn't feel sneaky or unethical.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/29/AR2010032902942.html
Here's what I posted when I first read this:
It is interesting. I think I fall into the younger therapist category that thinks it's less harmful than people are making it out to be. On the other hand, I don't work or intend to work with people who I would worry about seeing my FB profile (with that said, my profile is very private).
The last quote about patients seeing the therapist as only existing in the context of therapy and the internet ruining that is totally counterintuitive to how I approach therapy. If the adolescents I work with don't see me as a real person with a life, there's no way for me to get through to them. As it is, I use a lot of disclosure and I'm very transparent with them. I find that this allows teens to trust me, while recognizing my fallibility, allowing for quicker and easier repairs of ruptures.
I also Facebook my adolescent clients (but not my adults), both to see if they are lying to me (which 14 year olds tend to do), and also out of curiosity, which this article is making me question. I feel like it always informs treatment, though, even if it's just finding common interests, so I can get a kid's buy-in to my credibility (in the sense that they believe I can understand their lives). I also discuss the internet with my adolescents a LOT, because so much of their drama comes from the internet. I allow them to pull up their profiles and those of their friends, as well as email conversations or text messages. I agree with one of the quotes that if the work can be done IN SESSION, it's even better. Or at least, it doesn't feel sneaky or unethical.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Question
I really need to start writing more (for my own sanity), but there are some things that I would like to write and keep private or only post to certain friends. Does anyone know if this is possible on this website?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Extending the School Day
http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/03/16/feinberg.longer.schoolday/index.html?eref=igoogle_cnn
So I posted this article on facebook, and my friend responded with this:
completely agree. our students spend less time in school than they would if they lived in almost any other developed country. then we complain about why they aren't keeping up, blame it on them, and pour money into schools to try to fix it. our school schedules are based on a time when students had to help their parents harvest crops. doesn't really make sense for people who live in New York City, and as of recently the population of the US has shifted from predominantly rural to predominantly urban.
keeping kids in school longer each day and for more days per year would solve the problems that families face when both parents work (or in single-parent households with one worker) and kids have nobody to look after them. and then there won't be a 2-month-long summer that necessitates camps and babysitters and other ways of keeping kids out of trouble. so keep them in school from 7 to 5, with recess so they don't get fat, 45-minute lunches so they can eat and socialize without feeling rushed (also helps with weight control), etc. etc. on top of all of that, they'll learn more and better retain what they've learned. and that's the end of my rant.
Here's my response:
Hmm... It's funny because I completely disagree. What about the kids who have it together (or who's families have it together)? What about extracurriculars? When are kids supposed to develop talents? I had dance, cheerleading or gymnastics rehearsals every day after school until 8 or 9 o'clock by the time I was in middle school. Couldn't have done that if I had school until 5! Also, 7am? Are you joking? Do you know that teenagers need 12-14 hours of sleep per night? That kind of schedule doesn't allow for life, at least not a healthy one.
Further, teachers get paid NOTHING and work like dogs (well the good ones do, anyway), although I'd argue that most teachers aren't great because few really awesome/inspiring people stay in an occupation where they are underpaid and under-appreciated. That's the problem with our school system. You can't extend the school day and school year without at least doubling the teacher's salary.
Lastly, we have the most stressed and depressed kids of any time period in this country. In the last year, 7 kids have committed suicide on the train tracks by my house! This is partially attributed to the pressure of the high school they attend/the community we live in. All these kids are expected to be geniuses and go to Harvard. Not everyone is meant to be academic.
Now if schools were changed to fit a "Multiple Intelligences" model, including excellent art and performing arts, and sports programs (akin to what parents pay for outside of school, since there would be no time for their kids to have it outside) as well as encouraging students to find what they are good at, be that math or car mechanics, fine. The odds of that actually happening are nonexistent.
I'm interested in seeing healthy, social, well-adjusted kids, and I don't feel like extending the school day or year promotes this, with the exception of some cases, such as inner-city kids with little opportunity or family support, but I feel like a specific population can be targeted, vs. the entire public school system.
That said, the public school system needs a complete overhaul.
What do y'all think?
So I posted this article on facebook, and my friend responded with this:
completely agree. our students spend less time in school than they would if they lived in almost any other developed country. then we complain about why they aren't keeping up, blame it on them, and pour money into schools to try to fix it. our school schedules are based on a time when students had to help their parents harvest crops. doesn't really make sense for people who live in New York City, and as of recently the population of the US has shifted from predominantly rural to predominantly urban.
keeping kids in school longer each day and for more days per year would solve the problems that families face when both parents work (or in single-parent households with one worker) and kids have nobody to look after them. and then there won't be a 2-month-long summer that necessitates camps and babysitters and other ways of keeping kids out of trouble. so keep them in school from 7 to 5, with recess so they don't get fat, 45-minute lunches so they can eat and socialize without feeling rushed (also helps with weight control), etc. etc. on top of all of that, they'll learn more and better retain what they've learned. and that's the end of my rant.
Here's my response:
Hmm... It's funny because I completely disagree. What about the kids who have it together (or who's families have it together)? What about extracurriculars? When are kids supposed to develop talents? I had dance, cheerleading or gymnastics rehearsals every day after school until 8 or 9 o'clock by the time I was in middle school. Couldn't have done that if I had school until 5! Also, 7am? Are you joking? Do you know that teenagers need 12-14 hours of sleep per night? That kind of schedule doesn't allow for life, at least not a healthy one.
Further, teachers get paid NOTHING and work like dogs (well the good ones do, anyway), although I'd argue that most teachers aren't great because few really awesome/inspiring people stay in an occupation where they are underpaid and under-appreciated. That's the problem with our school system. You can't extend the school day and school year without at least doubling the teacher's salary.
Lastly, we have the most stressed and depressed kids of any time period in this country. In the last year, 7 kids have committed suicide on the train tracks by my house! This is partially attributed to the pressure of the high school they attend/the community we live in. All these kids are expected to be geniuses and go to Harvard. Not everyone is meant to be academic.
Now if schools were changed to fit a "Multiple Intelligences" model, including excellent art and performing arts, and sports programs (akin to what parents pay for outside of school, since there would be no time for their kids to have it outside) as well as encouraging students to find what they are good at, be that math or car mechanics, fine. The odds of that actually happening are nonexistent.
I'm interested in seeing healthy, social, well-adjusted kids, and I don't feel like extending the school day or year promotes this, with the exception of some cases, such as inner-city kids with little opportunity or family support, but I feel like a specific population can be targeted, vs. the entire public school system.
That said, the public school system needs a complete overhaul.
What do y'all think?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
My Calling
Today I had a great day doing therapy with the adolescents I see, as well as my one adult client. There are a lot of days (most days, actually) as a graduate student in training that you really just feel as though you don't know what the heck you are doing! This can be very disheartening at times, especially for someone, like myself, who gets exceptionally invested in her clients. I LOVE the kids I see, and I worry about them, and I worry if I am doing anything at all to help them.
Well, today was one of those days where everything came together. I can't go into details about why due to confidentiality, but let's just say that for every client I saw today, I know that I personally made a difference. I got doubly affirmed when I had dinner with one of my old classmates: She worked in the same site as me last year and actually worked with some of the same kids at the same middle school. This middle school is notoriously hard to navigate and get referrals, and I really am not sure how I have managed it, but I love it and get along swimmingly with the faculty and staff. The kids also really connect with me, which I knew on some level, but my friend couldn't believe how far I had come with some of her old clients and how most of my clients will come up and talk to me during lunch or brunch when anyone can see them talking to me. I knew this was a big deal when it started happening a few months ago, but I didn't realize to what extent until I had this conversation tonight. It was nice to hear from a friend and colleague, who has had the same practicum in the same setting as me say that I have "a gift," and the best part is that I knew she really meant it, and as we discussed it, I felt it was true in my bones. That's definitely one of the top 5 best feelings in the world.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, even though grad school is trying to kill me, my immune system is a total failure, my sleep debt will never be paid off, (and I'm not sure about my money debt either!) and most days are infinitely more frustrating and not this great therapy-wise, I know in the end it will be worth it. To feel that I am literally changing the trajectory of someone's life... multiple peoples lives, actually... And that someone on the outside looking in can see it... That is the best affirmation I could ever have!
Well, today was one of those days where everything came together. I can't go into details about why due to confidentiality, but let's just say that for every client I saw today, I know that I personally made a difference. I got doubly affirmed when I had dinner with one of my old classmates: She worked in the same site as me last year and actually worked with some of the same kids at the same middle school. This middle school is notoriously hard to navigate and get referrals, and I really am not sure how I have managed it, but I love it and get along swimmingly with the faculty and staff. The kids also really connect with me, which I knew on some level, but my friend couldn't believe how far I had come with some of her old clients and how most of my clients will come up and talk to me during lunch or brunch when anyone can see them talking to me. I knew this was a big deal when it started happening a few months ago, but I didn't realize to what extent until I had this conversation tonight. It was nice to hear from a friend and colleague, who has had the same practicum in the same setting as me say that I have "a gift," and the best part is that I knew she really meant it, and as we discussed it, I felt it was true in my bones. That's definitely one of the top 5 best feelings in the world.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, even though grad school is trying to kill me, my immune system is a total failure, my sleep debt will never be paid off, (and I'm not sure about my money debt either!) and most days are infinitely more frustrating and not this great therapy-wise, I know in the end it will be worth it. To feel that I am literally changing the trajectory of someone's life... multiple peoples lives, actually... And that someone on the outside looking in can see it... That is the best affirmation I could ever have!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Some Thoughts
"If one is to love oneself, one must behave in ways that one can admire." -Irvin Yalom
That's one of my favorite quotes, probably because I believe in the truth of it so whole-heartedly. I see kids who make really unfortunate choices and they can't understand why they are so unhappy - they just are. They THINK they admire the behaviors they engage in, but they don't quite yet comprehend that admirable behaviors are not synonymous with "cool," particularly in adolescence.
I find self-love quite difficult to attain and maintain, perhaps because I live by this quote a little too stringently. I often find myself disappointed with my actions, despite the fact that they aren't objectively bad or problematic. I generally feel that my best is not good enough. Recently, I have been feeling particularly disappointed in myself. For the first time in about 3 years, I made a choice that was not just subjectively, but objectively poor, although most of my friends think I'm being stupid and making a big deal out of something that is not. That brings me back to the Yalom quote. Regardless of what others think, I have to behave in a way that I ADMIRE in order to love myself.
Of course, I encourage my clients to forgive themselves and not dwell on past actions that they are unable to change, and yet I cannot do that myself. Why am I harder on myself than other people?
Okay, I'm rambling. More later... or not. Who knows?
That's one of my favorite quotes, probably because I believe in the truth of it so whole-heartedly. I see kids who make really unfortunate choices and they can't understand why they are so unhappy - they just are. They THINK they admire the behaviors they engage in, but they don't quite yet comprehend that admirable behaviors are not synonymous with "cool," particularly in adolescence.
I find self-love quite difficult to attain and maintain, perhaps because I live by this quote a little too stringently. I often find myself disappointed with my actions, despite the fact that they aren't objectively bad or problematic. I generally feel that my best is not good enough. Recently, I have been feeling particularly disappointed in myself. For the first time in about 3 years, I made a choice that was not just subjectively, but objectively poor, although most of my friends think I'm being stupid and making a big deal out of something that is not. That brings me back to the Yalom quote. Regardless of what others think, I have to behave in a way that I ADMIRE in order to love myself.
Of course, I encourage my clients to forgive themselves and not dwell on past actions that they are unable to change, and yet I cannot do that myself. Why am I harder on myself than other people?
Okay, I'm rambling. More later... or not. Who knows?
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Decade
I'm not going to lie: New Years kind of bums me out. I think part of it is that I start back to school on Monday, and I know the next two quarters are going to wreak havoc on my personal happiness and suck my soul dry so it's difficult for me to get too excited about 2010.
I went back and read my blogs for 2009, and one good thing that happened sometime between last February and now. Last February I wrote: "...what is the point of being in love with someone for two and half years if it's not meant to be and I'm not even learning anything from it other than that I am completely incapable of getting over him (Which, let's not lie, I should have been by about 6 months ago). It's like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me..." And I'm happy to say that I'm totally over him. I'm not sure exactly when that happened, but thank God it did! Phew, what a terrible time - I am glad that's over.
My new obsession is the TV show Friday Night Lights. Mariah gave me the first season for Christmas, and I've already watched through season 3! It's honestly the best TV show I've ever seen. It makes me think that I might consider applying to internship in Texas. If I was in Austin with Heather and Amy, that could be pretty cool. Buuut, I'm still hoping for East or West coast. Actually, I'm just hoping to GET an internship. AHH!
New Years Resolutions:
Be more organized
Clean more often
Work out at least 4 times a week
Eat healthier and plan meals/snacks
Get a practicum at a college counseling and psych services center
Propose AND defend my dissertation
Be a better person
Find someone to kiss on NYE 2011
Decade Hopes:
All of the above
Graduate in 2012
Become a licensed Psychologist
Have a job that pays well and I enjoy
Buy a home
Get married (read: find a man)
Have a kid or two
Become the type of person I imagine being "when I grow up" (Respectful and respectable, forgiving, open-hearted and loving, giving and responsible)
I went back and read my blogs for 2009, and one good thing that happened sometime between last February and now. Last February I wrote: "...what is the point of being in love with someone for two and half years if it's not meant to be and I'm not even learning anything from it other than that I am completely incapable of getting over him (Which, let's not lie, I should have been by about 6 months ago). It's like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me..." And I'm happy to say that I'm totally over him. I'm not sure exactly when that happened, but thank God it did! Phew, what a terrible time - I am glad that's over.
My new obsession is the TV show Friday Night Lights. Mariah gave me the first season for Christmas, and I've already watched through season 3! It's honestly the best TV show I've ever seen. It makes me think that I might consider applying to internship in Texas. If I was in Austin with Heather and Amy, that could be pretty cool. Buuut, I'm still hoping for East or West coast. Actually, I'm just hoping to GET an internship. AHH!
New Years Resolutions:
Be more organized
Clean more often
Work out at least 4 times a week
Eat healthier and plan meals/snacks
Get a practicum at a college counseling and psych services center
Propose AND defend my dissertation
Be a better person
Find someone to kiss on NYE 2011
Decade Hopes:
All of the above
Graduate in 2012
Become a licensed Psychologist
Have a job that pays well and I enjoy
Buy a home
Get married (read: find a man)
Have a kid or two
Become the type of person I imagine being "when I grow up" (Respectful and respectable, forgiving, open-hearted and loving, giving and responsible)
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