I'm Aliiiive!

I finished fall quarter classes today. Rumor has it that a particular teacher doesn't actually grade our final papers, and I'm hoping that's the case, or I might be getting a highly unfortunate grade in that class. Regardless, it's over.

I never say this about myself, but I actually feel proud that I made it through this quarter. I started out the quarter strong, I was getting everything done, making A's, doing all my reading, and balancing a HUGE case load of clients. And then BAM, I got H1N1 and pneumonia and everything just stopped. I was totally incapacitated for two weeks. I didn't want to freak anyone out or burden anyone, but I can totally see how people die from it. I passed out on my 3rd or 4th day of being sick, probably from being dehydrated after having 103+ fever for so long. That day and the day afterwards, I really did think I might die. I mean, I wasn't exactly what one would call coherent, but through the haze, I was seriously considering that death was a possible outcome. And it really could have been. If I hadn't passed out on the same day that Katie got home, I wouldn't have gotten help, and the doctor said if I hadn't come in, my lung would have collapsed. Plus, my fever was literally frying my brain. I don't think my normal brain function has returned yet, which makes school a struggle. That being said, I got through. I missed two whole weeks of reading and paper-writing and class! I wouldn't say that I finished strong, but I got done. I might not have A+s, but B's get degrees, right? And I just feel so blessed to have gotten through! I feel blessed that I lived through the illness, muchless that I came back and worked 10x as hard to finish my quarter on time. So yes, I'm proud of myself, and I don't mind saying it!

I'm afraid that I might get sick again because I have seriously not been taking care of myself since my return to school. I went from put-together, getting 6+ hours of sleep Lindsey to totally disheveled, sleeping -4 hours per night. Not only that, but I went from working out and eating fairly healthily, to eating burritos and M&Ms and drinking sodas to stay awake. I'm feeling pretty negatively about how I look right now. I swore that by the time New Year's came around this year, I wouldn't need to make a resolution to get healthy, but it's almost here, and this time I have to do it. I can't feel this bad about myself and expect someone else to love me, and with everyone and their mother getting married these days, I'm really starting to wonder if it will ever happen for me...

Annnd so I'm throwing myself into Twilight stuff. New Moon (the movie) couldn't have come out at a better time. I saw it after I wrote my second to last final and then tonight after my last class of the quarter! I'd like to say that I'm not one of those crazy Twi-hards, but I think I am. I mean, I'm not necessarily crazy, but I get very caught up in stories that I can throw myself completely into. It's similar to how Harry Potter and Dawson's Creek got me through my last 3 heartbreaks. I've read all the books at least 3 times, and New Moon being my favorite, I have read (I think) 5 times. My roommate, being practical and rational, thinks that rereading books is absurd, especially when they are so poorly written and silly. But for me, I learn something about different parts of myself every time I reread any book, not just Twilight. And, I think that maybe I am silly. I'm still that little girl who believes in magic and fairy tales and prince charming and that one true all-encompassing love. It's hard to see any of that in my life, but I have to hope for it because if that doesn't exist, what's the point?

You might be wondering if I am Team Edward or Team Jacob. Well, the first time I read the books, I was Team Edward all the way. I read them as though I were Bella. But the more I read, the more and more I love Jacob. So I will say that I am "Team In-Between." For Bella, there is clearly no one else. The pull to Edward is almost a force outside of herself. Petra doesn't like this because she feels like it's magic and not "real love." I think they love each other, but it's so intense that it's almost exhausting. If I had to pick for myself, it would be Jacob. I want someone who is real and present and just loves me. Bella describes Jacob as the Sun. That's who I want. I want someone who lives in the present and literally gives me sunshine on a rainy day, and to me that's magic and Prince Charming. And I hope he's out there and that when he finds me, I'm deserving of him.

All this being said, I have several new musical obsessions, a few of which I will leave for your enjoyment below:

Coldplay - Fix You (The actual music video can't be embedded, so you get the lyrics version).


Taylor Swift - Love Story (I SWORE I would not get on the Swift bandwagon, but my gosh, I love this song)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wRkoGKQ8qQ

James Morrison - You Make It Real


Kings of Leon - Use Somebody (Below is the cover by Paramore, which I love a lot, too). I'm generally obsessed with Kings of Leon - all of their songs.


Lykke Li - Possibility (I had to end with something New Moon related, obvs. This song breaks my heart.)

Psychological Competency for Trial

Today I bought the new People Magazine with Elizabeth Smart on the cover. I followed this story with more fervor than any other news story before or since. I'm not sure if this was due to my age when it happened (high school) or my religion (Elizabeth is Mormon), but I do remember crying when Elizabeth was found and wondering if she would recover psychologically. I remember thinking that I would have probably rather been killed than go through what I imagined she went through in her 9 months of captivity. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with her story, here is the wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_Smart_kidnapping

Six and a half years after her ordeal, Elizabeth finally got to testify against her captors last week at an evidentiary hearing. The details in People were gruesome, and there was probably much more revealed in her testimony that is not public knowledge. I'm sure there was also more physical and psychological abuse that she will never discuss - I can only imagine how violating it must feel to know everyone can read or hear about the abuse she suffered.

Now on to why I am writing this blog: For 6 years, Elizabeth's kidnappers and abusers have been found mentally incompetent to stand trial. Now that Elizabeth has testified, the Smarts are hoping that the judge will rule that her primary captor and rapist will be forced to stand trial. He was not at the hearing because he refused to stop singing a Hymn and disrupting the court. Ed Smart, Elizabeth's father, believes that the incompetency of this man is a fraud. He wants to stay in a mental hospital rather than stand trial.

My question is: When charges are this grotesque (kidnap, rape of a minor up to four times a day for nine months, starvation, and physical abuse), should mental incompetency even be an option on the table?

I obviously haven't interviewed this man (or his wife) myself, and I have a long way to go before I could ever be considered an expert in this area - and I'm not sure I will ever be considered an expert in THIS particular area - but my inkling is that no psychological disorder would prevent me, as a psychologist, from judging this man competent to stand trial. I mean, he is OBVIOUSLY mentally disturbed and, I think, evil: Anyone who could do the things that this man did cannot be in a fit state of mind - he probably has a host of Axis I and II disorders. But should this prevent justice from being served?

I have no idea what diagnoses this man has been given, but I do know that the average Schizophrenic person, the average mentally retarded person, the average person with any psychiatric condition does NOT kidnap, beat, rape and otherwise brutalize children, or anyone for that matter. My blood is boiling just THINKING that he might continue to live without punishment. A psychiatric hospital is not prison - it's just not.

So what do you - my readers - think? Am I a callously cold psychologist-in-training, or should psychologically ill people be held accountable for their actions when they violate all standards of morality? Is it ETHICAL to Elizabeth to be the psychologist keeping this person from trial? I would really like to hear your take on this because I am appalled that the Smart family has had to endure over six years of waiting for justice and they may continue to wait in vain forever.

Back to school, back to school...

I started back to classes on Monday, after having taken last year off. I have a new cohort and a new outlook.

First, my cohort: They are awesome. Seriously, I didn't know that there could be a group of such amiable doctoral students. People get along and (gasp!) even like each other... and they aren't cliquey! And further, they have been so welcoming to me and even seem to want to be my friend... This is weird for me because I never felt that from my old cohort at all. This is not to say that individually the people in my old cohort aren't great, but the group dynamic was just very stand-offish and cliquey. The experience I have had thus far with my new cohort further confirms that taking a year off was the best decision I have ever made.

Second, my new outlook. Recently, I wrote a post about feeling like an adult. Of course, I still have that procrastination problem, but I feel a tangible difference going to class now as opposed to two years ago. This is possibly due to the fact that I am rested and feel a renewed confidence in my abilities both as a student and as a therapist, but I also just feel like - at least in this area of my life - I have things put together, I'm focused, I'm happy - and this makes me feel like an adult. Again, I will continue to update you on this whole progression into adulthood. I am unsure that it will last. It seems like things should start to fall apart soon or something. What I mean to say is that it seems like I might be straddling some invisible line, and I'm afraid I will slip into my old habits (not getting enough sleep, feeling unmotivated to do schoolwork, feeling like a terrible therapist, etc.). But for now, things are good, and I feel generally happy about this part of my life.

So much to say, no words to say it

I just sat here for the last 17 minutes trying to decide how to start this post. Apparently, my title is more accurate than even I realized. I wish that my emotions and racing thoughts would collide to produce coherent writing...

I'm pretty sure it has now been about half an hour.

Okay, I'm just going to write. Here goes.

My Uncle George's funeral is tomorrow. Let me clarify, George is technically my cousin through marriage, but I've always thought of him as an uncle because I grew up with his kids. I feel guilty for not going to the funeral, but I feel like it's too late to say, "Goodbye," or "I always thought you were the kindest relative on my dad's side," or "Your faith in Jesus was never was never obnoxious or overstated, but inspiring and believable," or, "I'm sorry that I can write pages and pages about Michael Jackson's death, but only these few short phrases for you."

I went wedding dress shopping with Petra today. You would think something involving new beginnings, like weddings, would be uplifting, especially when I have funerals on the brain. Don't get me wrong - the day was special. Seeing Petra light up when she found the dress was special. Of course, now she is having second thoughts, but that is just Petra. She was happy and glowing and beautiful. But it was hard for me to be in the wedding dress shops. It made me wonder what I am doing wrong. Am I being punished by God for not being good enough? But then, Petra doesn't even believe in God and she found Bill. And make no mistake - I am happy for Petra and ALL of my friends who are engaged. This is not a jealousy issue, although mentioning it makes it feel like one, doesn't it? But truly, I am happy for my friends. I just wonder if the one thing I have always wanted will ever happen to me. I have felt ready for a relationship for a while now, but nothing is happening. Maybe I need to lose weight (which I'm working on, although some days are better than others).

After the all-day wedding dress shopping, we went to see Julie and Julia, and very appropriately, I came home to my belated birthday present - a 16 Quart Le Creuset stock pot! I will be making delicious chili and stews in that this year. Back to the movie, I cried about seven times during it. I loved the way Julia and her husband's relationship was portrayed. They loved each other so much, and he loved her for exactly who she was, finding her food obsession endearing and charming. They seemed like the oddest couple, but she was able to be happy with herself. Maybe that's my problem. There are a lot of things that I like about myself, but there are probably an equal amount of things I really don't like about myself that I want to change - that I feel I need to change in order for a guy to find me attractive/love me/whatever. Maybe I'm looking for the wrong guy. Maybe I need to find a guy who will love me despite the things that need changing, despite my quirks, and perhaps because of them. Perhaps I need to love myself.

Okay, done.

Personality Assessment

According to the Myers Briggs, I fit the Idealist Counselor. See Description:

Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)
Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).


What do y'all think? I know I have taken this before and gotten the same result, and I think it's overall pretty accurate. I would say that I disagree with the "mysterious" and "highly private" part. I mean, there are certain things that I am more private about that most people might be, but I don't think that I'm particularly hard to know or get to know. Have I ever had a side emerge that surprised any of you? (Maybe that's coming later in life).

I definitely agree with the part about not being a natural leader. I struggled my whole life thinking that it was such a good thing to be a leader, but that's just not where I fit. I do, however, work well if the leadership is a group effort.

I'm wondering, though, if this is how I see myself, thus this is how I portray myself on these sorts of tests, or if others see me this way, as well. ... ???

Oh, if you want to check your own: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

26

I feel like an adult.

Yes, I realize that I probably should have been feeling this way for the last 8 years or so, if we're going strictly by age and law, but it's only recently that I have really felt like an adult.

A few nights ago, I was talking to a friend who was telling me about his dating drama and the partying that goes on in his life. I found myself getting annoyed that he is still doing the things he was talking about because it just seems so much like college life. And it hit me: I am over college life. I think it was harder for me to move on from it because I went straight into graduate school and my expectations were for it to be like college, and it wasn't. So, I joined an a cappella group, and I continued living my college-esque life. Of course, my college life is not akin to many - I never REALLY partied - but I stayed up all hours of the night, I procrastinated, I fell in love with and got my heart broken by cool, good-looking jackasses.

I was unhappy and totally burnt out in school, so I took this year off. I sang with my a cappella group, but increasingly became more annoyed by the lack of organization and planning and the general maturity level of those involved. My job involves playing with kids - not something that really makes one feel grown up. I mean, I go to work in Red Sox Ts, no make-up and my hair in a ponytail, and I play baseball, paint, and watch Little Einsteins. But something about being out of school, stepping back, getting perspective, caring for children and maybe just getting older has made me feel like a (somewhat) responsible adult.

I think as I embark upon this new school year with a new cohort and a new outlook, I might take it in as an adult, rather than as a kid longing for my college days. I think that perhaps that's where all of my frustration and sadness was coming from. I was in an adult's world, surrounded by adults (ones who were older than myself) pretending to be someone that I just wasn't yet, but now I'm there. Now I'm ready.

In my defense, there are studies that say the part of the brain that organizes, prioritizes (i.e., keeps a person from procrastinating), and plans isn't totally developed until 25-26, so maybe my brain just needed to catch up and get with the program. :) This also explains why people who do drugs and drink heavily in college never develop the ability to fully see the consequences of their actions and/or have impulse control or organizational difficulties.

I'll update on whether I still feel like an adult once I'm back in classes, but I am optimistic that I will. Just my saying that word - optimistic - shows how much I have changed. A year ago, I would have said, "I'm afraid I'm becoming an adult." Of course, I'm not giving up my incessant dreaming or my pink kitchen/bedroom. I'll just have to be an adult with a love affair for all things pink, Disney, or related to classic/fairy-tale love stories, which I still completely believe in. :)

Update

So today was my last "Teen Talk" group at the clinic. I don't know if I helped the kids or not. I hope I did. I hope they do well. I don't think six weeks is long enough for a group to be super effective. I'm not at liberty to say any of the other things I'd like to say here, so moving on...

I feel like the biggest bum ever. I slept until 10 this morning, and once my group was over (at 3), I came hope and slept again until 7:30. Who does that? I am sick (again!), so I guess my body is just trying to get better, but now I feel gross from sickness and gross from laziness. Speaking of which, is the saying "Feed a cold, starve a fever?" I'm hoping it's feed a cold, because that's what I've been doing. I find it really hard to follow a strict diet when I'm sick and I want to eat comfort foods. Obviously, I need to work on my will power.

I had an awkward moment with my supervisor the other day. He made a comment about going to a town-hall style meeting with "the other side - you know, the people against Obama's health care, and man they are nuts." I just didn't say anything because it wasn't pertinent to my supervision, and I don't want him to think badly of me, but I find it really annoying and unfortunate that I would be worried about someone thinking badly of me because I'm not on board with Obama's socialism. Of course, then people at home (in Texas) think I am too liberal. In reality, I am just a constitutionalist. I like to think that my political beliefs are based in logic, and I wish more Americans would use some logic when forming their opinions. However, I have the ability to appreciate a person's worth/intelligence despite how I may feel about their political beliefs, and I wish more people extended that sort of acceptance to others. While I'm talking politics, I'm going to take this opportunity to post this special that i really wish everyone would watch: http://www.writeonnevada.com/2009/04/mr-stossel-goes-to-washington.html

I really hope I start feeling better, as I have a lot planned for this weekend. Tomorrow night, I'm (hopefully) going to see Julie and Julia with Shane and his gf - yay third wheel... :/ But it's my belated birthday celebration since Shane and I both love cooking/baking so much. And then on Saturday (again, if I'm better), Mariah is coming down, and I'm going to teach her how to make my chocolate chip cookies because hers aren't turning out like mine despite using the same recipe. We are also going to get Sprinkles since Mariah has never had the gloriousness. (This will clearly be a great day to test my will power). After that we are going to see 500 Days of Summer, which I am also really excited about. My immune system needs to kick it into high gear.

Okay, this blog entry has multiple personalities so I will stop.

a very obvious epiphany

If you all didn't know, I have started back to practicum for Community Health Awareness Council (CHAC) www.chacmv.org

I've been running these "Teen Talk" groups for middle school girls. Today we were talking about what makes a good friend and why it's important to stay away from 'false friends' and develop relationships with 'true friends.'

This little girl says to me, "a true friend is someone who respects you and someone who values you. They don't take advantage of you, and they make your life better, not worse."

The great thing about kids is that they speak the truth so plainly and see it without all the complications.

Anyway, a situation arose today where I was upset about what some "friends" had done, and I realized that these people are 'false friends' - they detract from my happiness, don't respect me or my time or ideas, and they certainly don't value what I have to offer.

So from now on, I'm going to take a cue from my therapist self and act on what I counsel others to do. I'm going to only surround myself with people who respect and value me and if they don't improve my life, they at least won't detract from my happiness. I think I try to treat all of my friends this way, but I also plan to be more cognizant of being a 'true friend' to everyone. Mostly, I want to make sure I am always contributing to people's happiness rather than detracting from it. That means I have 2 things I know for a fact I need to work on - I need to complain less and I need to gossip less.

The goal is to create a bubble of positivity around me and allow that to rub off on others.

Michael Jackson

I have been planning for several days now to write something about Michael Jackson. I am now glad that I waited until the memorial service. I only got to watch pieces as it happened because of work, and I have watched clips online since I got home. Now, there are various shows on about the Jacksons, which I will undoubtedly will flip through until I fall asleep tonight. Needless to say, I have been a sobbing mess all day.

Michael Jackson's music has been in my life's soundtrack since the very beginning. He is without a doubt the artist with the MOST songs in that soundtrack. He is an artist that I danced to. I remember dancing to Rockin' Robin at a very young age - it was on one of my Kids Songs videos. I also remember my brothers trying to teach me the moon walk and being so frustrated that I couldn't do it. Then I saw Michael Jackson do it and I went back and told them that THEY weren't doing it right either! We all worked on it for a while and gave up when we realized it was impossible, except for Michael Jackson. When Free Willy came out, I went to see it for my birthday. I would go in my room and dance to "Will You Be There." This was when I was first starting lyrical dancing. When I taught cheerleading camp, I choreographed a cheer dance to "Dancin' Machine." In my junior year of high school, I danced to both "The Way You Make Me Feel" and I choreographed a number to "Scream." At the time, I remember thinking how different those two songs were and how I related so much to both - the dichotomy of having the best time of of my life and also feeling so much pressure to just make it through Exeter alive with the scrutiny of my family and peers and those from home thinking that I was insane for leaving. I wanted to, most of all, prove to myself that I was smart, strong, capable - worthwhile - although, at the time I think I thought the majority of the pressure was coming from the outside. I did scream sometimes, and I remember listening to that song and thinking, "They (Michael and Janet) get it! They understand."

And that is the power of music.

I can't say that it was solely because of MIchael Jackson that I sing or write songs or still dream of being a recording artist. I can say that the WAY I sing is most certainly influenced by him. My mom LOVED The Jackson 5 almost as much as she loved The Supremes. I spent a lot of time in the car with my mom growing up - driving to Tyler or Dallas to go on our epic shopping trips or just to Gilmer 3 or 4 times a week for dance and to see family. This is where my singing career began - in the car - listening to the Motown greats. I really liked Diana and Aretha and Gladys and Stevie and yes, absolutely they have influenced me, but I LOVED The Jackson 5. When Mariah Carey (who I idolized) came out with the remake of I'll Be There, I sang along to it of course, but I would always contend to my friends, who didn't know the original, that Michael Jackson was better. This was the music I sang as a child. When I was in 5th or 6th grade, I started taking voice lessons - classical - and I was good at it, but I didn't get the joy out of it that I got out of singing in my bathtub or in my room with my hairbrush microphone. I remember one of my peers telling me that I couldn't sing that type of music because I was white, but Michael Jackson didn't think it mattered whether you were black or white... or whether he was black or white for that matter. :)

I was about 8 when that song (Black or White) came out. Up until that point, I lived in a fairly racist bubble. Small-town East Texas is a great place to grow up, but it has it's downfalls - mostly with regard to narrow-mindedness (okay, and the heat). I didn't really know what was right or wrong in this arena. I had said things to people and hurt their feelings without understanding what those things meant. It still hurts ME to think that I could have ever done that, even (especially?) as a child. But I remember listening to that song and having something similar to a moment of clarity, if you have those that young. People are people and God made us all. It is our duty to love and help all of them. In some ways, this has literally made me the person I am today and has brought about (along with my religion) my career choice. It is on this same premise that I struggle with my religion, but that is for another blog.

Man in the Mirror is my favorite Michael Jackson song. I have used it for auditions, but mostly I have played it on repeat and sung it in the shower because it encompasses how I want to live my life and how I hope to inspire others to live their lives. Another MJ song that has contributed to my career path.

I would like to address Michael from a psychological standpoint. For those of you who believe that he was guilty of the allegations against him, that is your belief and I respect that. We all have our own truth, and then there is THE truth. I firmly, with all my heart, do NOT believe that he molested children. I truly think that he loved children, and not in an inappropriate manner, but perhaps in a way that cannot be easily understood. I think that because of abuse and growing up in the spotlight, much of his psyche regressed into a stage of childhood. Adult eating disorder patients often don't develop a level of cognition/maturity/reasoning beyond that which their psychological condition began. I believe Michael Jackson is similar. His stage-life began at 10, and although he grew and fulfilled the responsibilities of a man, he was so much like a child. He even referred to himself as Peter Pan and created Neverland, likely to make up for the childhood he didn't get to have. Also, abuse victims often develop what is called dissociation. Sometimes this develops into what lay-people might call multiple personalities. Or sometimes it simply remains a defense mechanism. I believe that as Michael got older, he may have spent more and more time in this dissociated place - his alternate reality. I think he created his own reality, where he was a child, and he lived in this reality much of the time. Yes, from the outside it seems inappropriate for a man to have strange boys spend the night. Yes, that is sketchy as all heck. But I truly think that for Michael Jackson, it was like having friends over for a sleepover. He loved children because he wanted so much to be one. There's also the factor that he was a genius, and historically, true creative, artistic and intellectual geniuses are so different from everyone else that they are perceived as strange or wrong and often ridiculed. They are later looked on as great, but frequently suffered during their life.

Michael Jackson, I hope that in death, you have found the peace you always sought in life. I hope that you have been restored to a perfect spirit child, whose love is understood and appreciated. I hope that you feel perfectly content, although I know your heart is aching for your family, your children, your fans. Be happy. Be loved. Be the angel that God needs you to be now, and please, teach me to moon walk when I see you in Heaven. Rest in Peace.

Adoption

So, this Friday I was babysitting Casey (age 2... actually, she'll be 3 in a week) and she woke up about 30 minutes into her normally 2-hour nap. I guess she had a bad dream. Anyway, she wanted me to hold her until she fell back to sleep. We both ended up falling asleep for about an hour and a half. I woke up first, and as I was holding her, i was just thinking how easy it was to love little kids, and I realized that I totally need to adopt kids. Of course, I want to have a couple of my own, but then I think I will adopt. It's something I have thought about for a long time, but I always was hesitant because I wanted kids of my own. I don't need to have 4 kids, though. I can have one or two and adopt two more, have the big family I want, not increase the population, and give children a home they wouldn't otherwise have. I'm excited. Now I just need to find a man to get on board with this... While I'm waiting, I guess I'll have school/practicum/dissertation/work to keep me busy.

Hilarious

My roommate got engaged. She was trying to get me to see her ring to get my reaction.... watch the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5W3tacQs89k

For all you girls who have recently gotten engaged, this is EXACTLY how I would have reacted if I had found out from you in person!

Funny Quotes from the Kids

Casey (age 2, with hands on hips): Boys suck!
Of course, I had to then explain to her that this was a very bad word and never okay to say, but I laughed on the inside!

Patrick (age 10): I want to be just like Zac Efron when I grown up. He can sing AND play basketball!
Me: I'm not sure he actually plays basketball. That's just his character in the movie (High School Musical).
Patrick: Nuh uh! He really plays! He's a good singer and a good basketball player!!!

Kevin (age 6): Mom says you are the best babysitter ever!
Me: Really? What do you think?
Kevin: Well... I guess you're pretty okay. Want to play me in basketball?

and one more

I actually wrote this as an email to one of my friends about my travels to NYC and my first day there.  In the event that you really wanted more detail, there are some funny things in here:

My day was filled with highs and lows, but I'll just start from the beginning.

I love Jet Blue - the leg room - the great snacks - the TVs. You know.

I DON'T love the woman who was sitting next to me and literally leaning over my seat the ENTIRE flight. HELLOOOOO YOU ARE SERIOUSLY INVADING MY PERSONAL SPACE RIGHT NOW!!! Also, her husband was sitting directly behind, so I offered him my seat, but they kept saying, "No no, we pay for these seats." I tried to explain that they wouldn't have to pay more for my aisle seat and that I just wanted to sleep, but I don't think they understood. Needless to say, no sleeping on the red eye.

If that wasn't enough, I have been having these headaches that are really intense and just on the left side. Soooo weird. So basically, it hurts behind my left eye, in my left temple, in my cheekbone/jaw/teeth, my ear and from my forehead to the back but ONLY on the left side. Anyway, I have been having it on and of for about 4 days. It hadn't bothered me yesterday, though, but then as soon as we got in the air, I thought my head was actually going to explode. Honest to God, I have never been in so much pain in my life. I was crying, and I know I cry a lot, but I don't usually cry for physical pain, just emotional pain. I have torn all the ligaments in my ankle and not cried, but last night I actually thought I was going to die. The crazy woman in my space was NOT helping. Anyway, I was going to go to the ER when we landed, but once we landed, it went away. Well, not away, it still hurts, but not the horrible excrutiating hurt, so I decided not to pay for the ER, but when I get home, I want you to MAKE me book a doctors appointment because something is NOT right with my head. (I'm secretly really afraid I have a brain tumor - who gets a piercing headache just on one side?) Although I did hear about Cluster Headaches in my CAB TV from the airport, and it does kind of describe all my symptoms: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_headache

Speaking of the cab ride, we were in horrible traffic, and I got carsick. This was in the top 5 most embarrassing moments of my life. I was trying to breathe deep and do everything right, but once we hit the Long Island Tunnel, I knew it was only a matter of time. As soon as we came out of it, I said, "Sir, I need you to stop. I am sick." He stopped - middle of the road - I opened the door and well... You can imagine. I am still SOOO embarrassed, but I guess you could say I made my mark on the Long Island Expressway today. The cabby kept saying, "You feel okay? You need to go hospital?" After an hour and twenty minutes, we made it to the hotel.

I showered, I slept. Then my brother texted me and told me to come down because Robin's driver had just pulled up and they were checking out. So I was literally throwing on makeup as fast as possible and running downstairs.

I waited for a bit.

And then, it happened. He came down, my brother said, "Hey Robin, this is my sister, Lindsey. She actually IS your biggest fan, I'm sure of it." And he was so nice, he said, "Lindsey, I am so happy to meet you. It's so great to meet fans. Thanks so much for your support." He hugged me and kissed me on my cheek. He said, "Really, thanks so much," and hugged me AGAIN and said, "Really wonderful to meet you," and got in his car. This was obviously the BEST moment of my day... err... life.

After that, my parents got here. We ate lunch. There are some weird people in the East Village, where we are staying. Also, there is a homeless shelter and methadone clinic around the corner so we got some addicts wandering around.

Basically, I basked in my happiness of meeting Robin for most of the afternoon.

At 6:30, my good friend Charlie came to the hotel, then we met up with two of my other friends from Tufts (girls from Essence), and I forged a new friendship between them since they should have known each other at Tufts, given that they were 3 of my best friends. That was the next best part of my day. It's awesome to see old friends. Also, another one of my friends got engaged this week... That was NOT my favorite conversation. I mean, I am happy for all of them, obviously - just bitter about my non-engagement ever!

Then, tonight we went to an extremely tasty Italian dinner, we got home about an hour ago and now everyone is asleep but me.

And that was my day.

Oh hello, there!

I check to see if my friends update their blogs all the time and feel disappointed when they don't, and then I realized that I never update mine.  Whoops!

... Probably because there is nothing to update on.

Some highlights are:

-I have a practicum position lined up for next year at www.chacmv.org; It should be pretty cool.  Everyone who has been placed there in the past just raves about it, so hopefully my experience will be similar.

-I'm directing EP's spring show, so my life is going to be consumed from now until May 23rd, and I'm fine with that.

-I went to NYC and met ROBIN THICKE and died! haha.  Oh yeah, and Kyle's play was good, too. :)  Actually, his play was excellent, and I think it could definitely win the festival.  Hopefully,  his big break is finally coming.

-Everyone and their mother is getting engaged/married/moving in with their boyfriends.  Not me, don't you worry.  Still the same old story here.  :/  Literally, seven of my friends have gotten engaged or moved in with their boyfriends in the last 2 months.  Apparently, I am falling behind the curve on this one.  I am consistently the third wheel.  I'm not bitter at all =p

-Oh, I gave up El Grullense and Baja Fresh for Lent - my two biggest vices.  I think I am saving money and possibly losing weight because of this.  We'll see, I suppose.  Easter is a long way away!  I love how some people give up alcohol or coffee or chocolate for Lent - I give up burritos.  I have a burrito problem!

-After a horrible loss, EP has proven again that it is a big family and we take care of each other.  So glad that it is the only group I auditioned for when I moved out here.

-Patrick - the 10 year old I sit for - is concerned that I don't have a boyfriend.  To quote, "Lindsey, everyone knows that you need intimate relationships in your life so that you aren't lonely."  According to him, it's not hard to get one.  I just need to go up to one of my friends who is a boy and say, "Hey, will you be my boyfriend?"  And Whalah! I will have a boyfriend.  Haha.  Honestly, if we all did things the same way we did when we were 10, life would be a lot easier!

I can't think of any other major highlights, so until next time...

sometimes i hate technology

my best friend since birth got engaged tonight and i found out on twitter.  what is the world coming to?

I would just like to know...

What is the point of falling in love with someone if you aren't meant to be with them?

I mean... I feel like with most relationships in my life, I can look back and name some things that I learned.  So those make sense to me, as crappy as they may have ended up being.

But seriously, what is the point of being in love with someone for two and half years if it's not meant to be and I'm not even learning anything from it other than that I am completely incapable of getting over him (Which, let's not lie,  I should have been by about 6 months ago). It's like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me.  It's saying, "Here's exactly the person you always dreamed of and then some, and he might have even loved you for a split second (though this is debatable), but HA HA!  You can't be with him!  Sucks for you!"  Thanks universe, that's really nice of you.

I know that God gives us trials, and in the grand scheme of things, this one isn't that big.  It also doesn't seem right that my voice teacher could lose her husband to a brain tumor when they were happy and should have had 30-40 more years together.  I mean, the world is full of injustices, mine being of little consequence, but I think I struggle with things that I can't put into any perspective or find any purpose in.  This is where people would say I am lacking in Faith, and then I start to feel guilty for feeling this way in the first place.

And that would begin an entirely other blog post.  So I will stop here.

amazing

i was just going through some of my school email and read about one of my professors and his activism in the civil rights movement.  it was because of this man that MLK got a grant to start a literacy project for african americans, and he put himself in several life-threatening situations in his work with MLK.  reading about this makes me wonder what i would have been like if i had lived during that time.  because of my a cappella groups, i have a LOT of african-american friends who i love dearly.  but i wonder if i would have been willing to risk my life and the lives of my family members for their rights back in the day.  i wonder if i would have done something great like my professor, or if i would have gone along with the popularity of segregation and blatant horrible racism.  it's not something i could really know.  it just got me to thinking whether i could ever be that brave or do something that worthwhile and meaningful.

You know, stuff...

So today (or well yesterday, since it is 2am... dang it... Why don't I ever sleep?), Bush left office and Obama began to what I can only describe as a frenzy of ecstatic people.  (I don't know whether to be inspired or frightened by people's reactions today.)

I have nothing against Obama.  He seems like a good enough guys, and his kids are darn cute.  I am really happy that America has a black President, finally.  I think, in that sense, I did feel a part of history today, although I didn't follow the inauguration closely, as I was working.

I have to harp on something, though.  I was just reading reports that people jeered at President Bush and started singing "Na na na na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye," as he departed D.C.  I understand that he was an unpopular President (I would like to mention that he was made unpopular, for the most part, by events he had no control over, but that is another blog).  I know that people actually flat out hate Bush.  I don't hate him.  I never have.  I think he is a good guy who followed his father's footsteps, when maybe that wasn't the best path for him.  But overall, I have always liked him, as a person - just as I like President Obama, as a person.  I don't like EITHER of their politics, but again, that is another blog.  Back to what I am harping on...  I don't care how much people dislike a President, I am still appalled and shocked that people could be so cruel and disrespectful.  This is not a football game, people, this is the President of arguably the greatest country in the world.  Am I just old-fashioned that I abide by the niceties of an older time?  I don't think so.  I have, in the last few years, began to notice a rudeness and disrespect that holds prevalent, not only in my generation, but apparently in all age groups.  Frankly, it really upsets me.  Can anyone explain to me how it could ever be okay to be exceedingly disrespectful to an authority figure, when that person is not a crackpot like Hitler or Bin Laden?  I would love for someone to comment on this.

Moving on from that, I wrote the first part of one of my practicum placement essays.  It's all about Exeter, surprise surprise, but I find the more and more I think about who I am and the beliefs I hold, I come back to my experiences there.  I feel incredibly blessed to have gone there and I really hope I can work there one day (after I am married...  Again, that would take another blog to explain.)

And, finally, the cutest thing EVER happened today.  Patrick, the 4th grader in the family I babysit, will be turning 10 this Friday.  Now, he is having a sleepover on Saturday night with his 4 best friends, but Friday, being his actual birthday, is a family dinner and present-opening party.  His mother told him he was allowed to invited one guest of honor to attend the family celebrations.  He asked me to be that person.  I said, "Packman, are you sure you want to invite me?"  He replied, "Yeah, my birthday wouldn't be the same without you.  You are like family."  And that, my friends, is what makes living off raman noodles totally worth it.

Stress

I am not gonna lie, I am a bit stressed.  That might be putting it lightly, actually.  I am insanely stressed.  I was hoping that 2009 would get better, and I mean, it has in some ways, I suppose, but AHH!

I stayed up all night working on practicum applications, and I didn't even get one full one done. My CV is terrible.  I have no research experience. I don't have enough recommenders, and none of them are emailing me back.  And basically whatever I do for practicum determines what my internship will be, and whatever my internship is DETERMINES MY ENTIRE CAREER!  No pressure, right?  Ugh!

Facebook Hacker and New Years Story

Okay, I know only about 3 people read this blog, but in the event that other people come across it, MY FACEBOOK HAS BEEN HACKED! Do not talk to this jerk off pretending to be me and asking for money. I am not in London. I have not been robbed. DO NOT WIRE ANYONE MONEY WHO IS ASKING FOR IT OVER FACEBOOK! UGH! THIS IS SUCH A NIGHTMARE!!!

Now that I have gotten that taken care of, I must share a story about how stupid guys are.

So New Year's Eve, I was out with Tara and various others at this restaurant/bar place in Oakland that was sort of pathetically empty. But we stayed there because a friend was bartending. Well, around 1am this guy came in... Unattractive, clearly intoxicated. He sat down next to me (my feet were in pain, plus the only people on the dance floor were about 60 and the music was not really good for dancing). So basically, he's blatently hitting on me and I'm blatently not interested. After about 20 minutes, the ridiculousness insued:

Joe: Are you a lesbian?
Me: What?! No, do I come off that way?
Joe: No, but I've been hitting on you for half an hour and you aren't responding.
Me: Well, there's a more obvious reason for that than assuming I'm gay.
Joe: Really what's that?
Me: Umm... Sorry, but I'm just not interested.
Joe: In men? I knew it!
Me: NO! I mean, YES I am interested in men! Just not YOU!
Joe: No, that can't be it.
Me: (GASP! SHOCKED LOOK!) Umm, right. Whatever you say. (I excused myself to the bathroom, then proceeded to sit with Tara and Chris such that he would have no possibility of sitting with us.)

Talk about not taking a hint. He couldn't even take it straightforwardly! GEEZ LOUISE!

Why do crazy people find me? Why am I the person whose identity gets stolen and whose facebook gets hacked? I don't want to complain, but I'm just wondering. If someone can just tell me what vibe I send out that makes crazy people flock to me (or try to BE me), please let me know!

Note: The New Year's Eve story has been edited and embellished for length/humor's sake. The majority of it, however, is true. And so goes my crazy life. (This will definitely be in my book, Guys are Idiots).