Michael Jackson

I have been planning for several days now to write something about Michael Jackson. I am now glad that I waited until the memorial service. I only got to watch pieces as it happened because of work, and I have watched clips online since I got home. Now, there are various shows on about the Jacksons, which I will undoubtedly will flip through until I fall asleep tonight. Needless to say, I have been a sobbing mess all day.

Michael Jackson's music has been in my life's soundtrack since the very beginning. He is without a doubt the artist with the MOST songs in that soundtrack. He is an artist that I danced to. I remember dancing to Rockin' Robin at a very young age - it was on one of my Kids Songs videos. I also remember my brothers trying to teach me the moon walk and being so frustrated that I couldn't do it. Then I saw Michael Jackson do it and I went back and told them that THEY weren't doing it right either! We all worked on it for a while and gave up when we realized it was impossible, except for Michael Jackson. When Free Willy came out, I went to see it for my birthday. I would go in my room and dance to "Will You Be There." This was when I was first starting lyrical dancing. When I taught cheerleading camp, I choreographed a cheer dance to "Dancin' Machine." In my junior year of high school, I danced to both "The Way You Make Me Feel" and I choreographed a number to "Scream." At the time, I remember thinking how different those two songs were and how I related so much to both - the dichotomy of having the best time of of my life and also feeling so much pressure to just make it through Exeter alive with the scrutiny of my family and peers and those from home thinking that I was insane for leaving. I wanted to, most of all, prove to myself that I was smart, strong, capable - worthwhile - although, at the time I think I thought the majority of the pressure was coming from the outside. I did scream sometimes, and I remember listening to that song and thinking, "They (Michael and Janet) get it! They understand."

And that is the power of music.

I can't say that it was solely because of MIchael Jackson that I sing or write songs or still dream of being a recording artist. I can say that the WAY I sing is most certainly influenced by him. My mom LOVED The Jackson 5 almost as much as she loved The Supremes. I spent a lot of time in the car with my mom growing up - driving to Tyler or Dallas to go on our epic shopping trips or just to Gilmer 3 or 4 times a week for dance and to see family. This is where my singing career began - in the car - listening to the Motown greats. I really liked Diana and Aretha and Gladys and Stevie and yes, absolutely they have influenced me, but I LOVED The Jackson 5. When Mariah Carey (who I idolized) came out with the remake of I'll Be There, I sang along to it of course, but I would always contend to my friends, who didn't know the original, that Michael Jackson was better. This was the music I sang as a child. When I was in 5th or 6th grade, I started taking voice lessons - classical - and I was good at it, but I didn't get the joy out of it that I got out of singing in my bathtub or in my room with my hairbrush microphone. I remember one of my peers telling me that I couldn't sing that type of music because I was white, but Michael Jackson didn't think it mattered whether you were black or white... or whether he was black or white for that matter. :)

I was about 8 when that song (Black or White) came out. Up until that point, I lived in a fairly racist bubble. Small-town East Texas is a great place to grow up, but it has it's downfalls - mostly with regard to narrow-mindedness (okay, and the heat). I didn't really know what was right or wrong in this arena. I had said things to people and hurt their feelings without understanding what those things meant. It still hurts ME to think that I could have ever done that, even (especially?) as a child. But I remember listening to that song and having something similar to a moment of clarity, if you have those that young. People are people and God made us all. It is our duty to love and help all of them. In some ways, this has literally made me the person I am today and has brought about (along with my religion) my career choice. It is on this same premise that I struggle with my religion, but that is for another blog.

Man in the Mirror is my favorite Michael Jackson song. I have used it for auditions, but mostly I have played it on repeat and sung it in the shower because it encompasses how I want to live my life and how I hope to inspire others to live their lives. Another MJ song that has contributed to my career path.

I would like to address Michael from a psychological standpoint. For those of you who believe that he was guilty of the allegations against him, that is your belief and I respect that. We all have our own truth, and then there is THE truth. I firmly, with all my heart, do NOT believe that he molested children. I truly think that he loved children, and not in an inappropriate manner, but perhaps in a way that cannot be easily understood. I think that because of abuse and growing up in the spotlight, much of his psyche regressed into a stage of childhood. Adult eating disorder patients often don't develop a level of cognition/maturity/reasoning beyond that which their psychological condition began. I believe Michael Jackson is similar. His stage-life began at 10, and although he grew and fulfilled the responsibilities of a man, he was so much like a child. He even referred to himself as Peter Pan and created Neverland, likely to make up for the childhood he didn't get to have. Also, abuse victims often develop what is called dissociation. Sometimes this develops into what lay-people might call multiple personalities. Or sometimes it simply remains a defense mechanism. I believe that as Michael got older, he may have spent more and more time in this dissociated place - his alternate reality. I think he created his own reality, where he was a child, and he lived in this reality much of the time. Yes, from the outside it seems inappropriate for a man to have strange boys spend the night. Yes, that is sketchy as all heck. But I truly think that for Michael Jackson, it was like having friends over for a sleepover. He loved children because he wanted so much to be one. There's also the factor that he was a genius, and historically, true creative, artistic and intellectual geniuses are so different from everyone else that they are perceived as strange or wrong and often ridiculed. They are later looked on as great, but frequently suffered during their life.

Michael Jackson, I hope that in death, you have found the peace you always sought in life. I hope that you have been restored to a perfect spirit child, whose love is understood and appreciated. I hope that you feel perfectly content, although I know your heart is aching for your family, your children, your fans. Be happy. Be loved. Be the angel that God needs you to be now, and please, teach me to moon walk when I see you in Heaven. Rest in Peace.