Royal Wedding

Hello blog world.

I am procrastinating, but I wanted to write this down before I forget.

Yesterday morning (April 29th at 3am Pacific) was Prince William's marriage to Kate (now Princess Catherine) Middleton. I went to bed around 7pm (with help from Nyquil) the night before and woke up promptly at 2am to watch the coverage on BBC America. I was joined (via gchat) shortly thereafter by my bestie, Ashley W. It was great to be able to share the experience, even virtually, with a friend who's love of Cinderella rivals any 3 year old girl. :)

Many people wonder why this event fascinates me so much. Well, first, I would argue that it fascinated 2 billion people around the world enough to possess them to view it, so I'm not that weird. But it is of particular significance to me because of my undying love for Princess Diana.

Not only did I think Princess Diana was insanely beautiful, but I loved her spirit, her loving kindness and how she changed the monarchy. As a little girl, I mostly loved her fairytale wedding gown, and I often marched around my house in a bride costume with a tiara pretending to be her. As I grew older, what I loved most about Di was her ability to connect with everyone and her openness to others - other cultures and lifestyles, people with AIDS and other illnesses, and particularly children. She wasn't stuffy, stiff, or afraid to engage with anyone and she seemed to find the good in everyone. She hugged people (a royal - imagine that!) - her very presence was healing. I wanted to be like that. I wanted to connect. I wanted to live my life helping people. And that's what I've been trying to do for many years.

It took me a while to reconcile all of the things that we found out about Princess Diana later on (the affairs, the eating disorders, the screaming fights with Charles, etc.) because as a child, it's hard to imagine someone so good and nice and seemingly perfect doing something that, well, isn't perfect. But as I got a bit older and found that, actually, I couldn't be perfect despite my very best efforts, it was nice to have someone to look up to who wasn't perfect but still managed to change the world for good, and I believe she did. I still hope that I will, as well.

When Princess Diana died, I mourned for months. I will never forget when my mom told me - I literally collapsed. I just couldn't believe it. I stayed up and watched the funeral live. I also taped the funeral and watched it every day for weeks, just sobbing every time. Eventually, my mom took it away from me and got me some Princess Diana videos, including her wedding, instead. I watched these all the time and read anything and everything I could about Diana and her charities (and her sons, who I prayed for every night because they were left without a mother and stuck with the other stuffy royals, who I was convinced didn't love them. I have since realized that this is not the case). So, it was wonderful to be able to watch another event involving Diana (her son), Westminster Abbey, and millions of people and this time have that event be a joyful one!

As soon as Kate got out of the car, I said, "Grace Kelly!" I knew this because a friend of mine recently had her wedding dress designed after Grace Kelly's - if she had just waited a few months, she wouldn't have needed to custom make it! That being said, it was classic and elegant with a modern touch. I thought it was exactly perfect! She looked truly beautiful, which William whispered to her when she got down the aisle - a very sweet moment. My favorite shots of the dress were from above - her walking with that train - just STUNNING!

The music at the wedding was breathtaking and the choir gave me chills. I also really enjoyed the sermon, but the exchanging of vows felt a little short and stiff to me. I need to get a copy of my friend, Jecca's, wedding because it was traditional (Episcopal, actually) and felt just perfect, but it was a little longer than the vows William and Kate exchanged. That being said, I thought the whole wedding was wonderful, and I definitely cried when they stepped out of the church and the organ was still playing AND the church bells were ringing. It felt just like Cinderella, and I couldn't help thinking, "Wow, she walked in Kate Middleton, and now she's Princess Catherine." Amazing.

Anyway, I could go on and on about it, but I mostly just wanted to document it so that I remember later on down the road, and I can tell my kids about how I woke up at 2am to see this wedding. :)

Stuck

Lately, I've been living my life between a rock and a hard place. I'm not going to make a laundry list of my grievances, but suffice it to say that literally NOTHING has worked out.

Now, I am a person of faith. I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. Despite this, it's hard to not take some of these things very personally. It's hard not to question whether or not I chose the right career, even though I AM good at working with adolescents. It's hard not to look at everyone getting married and having kids and not feel angry at myself for pursuing my career first.

I have fallen into somewhat of a depression. I mean, I technically meet criteria, but I think it's hard for me as an almost psychologist to admit that I'm depressed. Also, it's not impeding my functioning so much that I can't go to work - I'd say I'm just overall less effective and efficient than my potential.

I donated about half of my wardrobe to Good Will last week. I'm seriously considering either chopping or dying my hair or both. I want to trade in my car. I want to move to San Francisco.

Obviously, I feel the need for a change. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do next year, but whatever it is, I'm hoping I can do it from SF. In reality, I need a roommate, so the SF thing probably won't happen, but I'm holding onto it for the time being.

I'm turning 28 in about 16 weeks, and I've decided I want to lose 28 pounds by the time I turn 28. It's totally doable in a healthy way if I follow a plan and exercise. I'm hoping by writing it in here, I'll be motivated because I know someone's read it. Anyway, because everything feels so up in the air and out of control, this is something I could have control over if I don't let my emotions get in the way. Maybe if I get the ball rolling on my health, other things in my life will start to fall into place/come into focus. I have been completely neglectful of my SELF for the last whole year... 2 really. I don't look or feel like the person I know is somewhere inside of me.

I know this is a vague post, but I really don't feel like going into everything. Instead of dwelling, I need to deal with what I have and do what I can to move my life forward - at least in the areas that I have some choice/control over.

So that's where I'm at. Hopefully, in a few more weeks I'll have some more insights. I'll hopefully also have some updates on weight loss.