I'm playing around on my computer with Jay Leno in the background, but this joke caught my attention and made me laugh:
New research shows that romantic comedies ruin relationships because women who watch them develop unrealistic expectations... So basically the same thing that porn does for men.
It's so true! I think it's really hard for women these days to be happy in relationships because we grow up with Disney movies telling us our prince will come and we'll live happily ever after. Then we watch romantic comedies that may show some relational turmoil, but in the end, things work out, people end up happy and together.
I'm not going to lie, I love these kinds of movies! I mean, I STILL watch Disney movies, and I regularly watch things like Hitch, The Holiday, Because I Said So, etc. Even further, I really hated movies such as 500 Days of Summer, The Last Kiss, etc. Know why? Because they were realistic! They didn't have happy endings, and I hate when things don't have happy endings. I want to imagine that things will work out, that love overrides difficulties, that people won't hurt each other, even though this CLEARLY isn't the case.
But dang it, I hear everyone's sad stories all week, and OBVIOUSLY my relationships haven't ended happily, so when I want to relax and watch a movie, I don't want realistic, I want what I dream of - the happy ending. I feel like even though Jay Leno's joke was funny, this actually could be hindering my ability to get into good relationships... like maybe my standards are too high. But then I feel like I shouldn't lower my standards - that seems a little desperate.
I don't know - it's something to think about. I think I have realistic expectations about what relationships are actually like and the problems that arise and even when it's time to walk away, but maybe it's a matter of finding someone to be in a relationship with that I am unrealistic about. Maybe this is TMI for a blog..
Just go back up to the top and read that joke again and forget everything else. :)
Friday, July 23, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
I'm like... an adult...???
Tonight I took a quick trip to the grocery store at around 10:30 for some essentials that I literally couldn't make it through the night without. There was, of course, only one checker, given the time of night, and there were about 6 people in line ahead of me that were, I would venture to guess, somewhere between ages 23-28. Each of them had one item: a six-pack of beer.
My thought, as I stood in line thumbing through a Cooking Light magazine and feeling slightly annoyed that they didn't all just pay together was, "Oh, they must be having a BBQ or going to the beach tomorrow."
The first girl to check-out pulled out her cell phone, while waiting for the others, and her end of the conversation went something like this:
"Hey babe. Yeah, we're getting the beer now. I think the plan is to go over to B's house, drink the beer and then hit up the bars."
This startled me, and I looked from my magazine to my watch. What startles me more is my thought process that followed:
"Good grief! It's almost 11 o'clock! Who starts drinking this late? Who even goes out this late? Are these college kids? No, they look my age. Do they not realize how late is it? What day is it? Isn't it... Oh, I guess it's Friday... Hmm, do people my age go out this late on the weekends? Don't they have other things to do like studying or sleeping? Wait, is this what normal people who have normal jobs and aren't grad students look like?"
I realize that I'm awake at 2am, but I have been in my PJs since about 11:15 and I've been reading about treatments for various psychological disorders and drinking Diet Dr. Pepper. Let's face it, if I had a "night out," it wouldn't look like that, but most of my "nights out," which admittedly feel very few and far between, start around 6 or 7pm and end by midnight... probably earlier...
When I was in undergrad, I recall a time where 11pm was when the parties started. I didn't realize that carried over into real life... It certainly did not carry over into my life. The only thing I need to complete this picture is a cat.
My thought, as I stood in line thumbing through a Cooking Light magazine and feeling slightly annoyed that they didn't all just pay together was, "Oh, they must be having a BBQ or going to the beach tomorrow."
The first girl to check-out pulled out her cell phone, while waiting for the others, and her end of the conversation went something like this:
"Hey babe. Yeah, we're getting the beer now. I think the plan is to go over to B's house, drink the beer and then hit up the bars."
This startled me, and I looked from my magazine to my watch. What startles me more is my thought process that followed:
"Good grief! It's almost 11 o'clock! Who starts drinking this late? Who even goes out this late? Are these college kids? No, they look my age. Do they not realize how late is it? What day is it? Isn't it... Oh, I guess it's Friday... Hmm, do people my age go out this late on the weekends? Don't they have other things to do like studying or sleeping? Wait, is this what normal people who have normal jobs and aren't grad students look like?"
I realize that I'm awake at 2am, but I have been in my PJs since about 11:15 and I've been reading about treatments for various psychological disorders and drinking Diet Dr. Pepper. Let's face it, if I had a "night out," it wouldn't look like that, but most of my "nights out," which admittedly feel very few and far between, start around 6 or 7pm and end by midnight... probably earlier...
When I was in undergrad, I recall a time where 11pm was when the parties started. I didn't realize that carried over into real life... It certainly did not carry over into my life. The only thing I need to complete this picture is a cat.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Stuff and Things
Clearly, I was distraught when writing my last post. I'm better now, don't worry. I needed a couple days of crying and feeling terrible and watching and reading Harry Potter. Harry Potter seriously gets me through everything - breakups, school stress, the quarterlife crisis and now failing the comp. I'm not sure what it is; possibly a combination some DBT coping skills (distraction, imagery, mini-vacation, mindfully attending to one thing) and simply the fact that when all's said and done, failing my comp (or getting broken up with or constant stress and lack of sleep) are really nothing compared to being hunted by the most evil and powerful wizard of all time and his gang of Death Eaters. I'm just sayin...
Anywho, it also helped to get feedback and discover that my failure of the test was little more than differences in style between a couple of the graders (mine went to a tie-breaking 3rd grader) and myself. I'm not incompetent, and in fact performed quite well on almost all domains of the test. People from all around have come out of the woodwork (colleagues, professors, my own therapist) to tell me that they failed their comp and most importantly that it's just another flaming hoop one has to jump through to get through the punishment that is grad school.
At this very moment, I'm procrastinating from my re-study for the next comp administration on Wednesday. (I'm about to complain, feel free to stop reading). I know it's important to study, and I certainly don't want to fail again, but UGH it sucks so much! It's not even the studying, it's the fact that I have to go sit in a room for another 4.5-6 hours (there was a lot of waiting around during the last administration that lengthened the time I expected to be there by about 2 hours) and go through the anxiety and pain of it all again. I'm getting a knot in my stomach just thinking about it.
In other news, I think I'm doing some good work with my clients, and that is always positive, as well as helpful for me to remember in times like these. I love it when clients surprise me in a good way, especially if it's parents of clients, as they are the ones who will ultimately help their children the most!
I wish you could see my bed right now, there are books everywhere - I feel a little bit like Hermione (sorry, I'm on an HP kick, as mentioned before.) with my bookishness. I've never figured out how to upload photos to this thing (to my credit, I have also never tried), but if I had a picture, you would see the following partially-read books strewn around my bed/nightstand and floor:
Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager - Scott P. Sells, Ph.D.
Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep them Talking to You and How to Hear What They're Really Saying - Michael Riera, Ph.D.
Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Empowering Your Teen and Yourself through Kind and Firm Parenting - Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Lynn Lott, M.A., M.F.T.
Scream Free Parenting - Hal Edward Runkel, L.M.F.T.
Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder - Marsha M. Linehan, Ph.D.
Women, Food and God - Geneen Roth
Marley and Me - John Grogan
Finished:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling (I think this was my 7th time? Eek, I'm such a freakazoid!)
The Triple Bind - Stephen Hinshaw, Ph.D.
I Am an Emotional Creature - Eve Ensler
Now, I always recommend Harry Potter to anyone, but aside from that, I have to say that The Triple Bind literally changed the way I view... life. It's about adolescent girls and what our culture has done to them, but I think people from my generation can also relate. I HIGHLY recommend this book to any woman, anyone who has daughters (regardless of age), plans on having children in the future, has family/friends/coworkers with daughters or little sisters, works with children or teenagers in any way (Amy, you should read this), etc., etc. It's changed the way I think about myself, my younger cousins, people I grew up with, and especially my clients.
I Am an Emotional Creature was recommended to me by a colleague at practicum - it's also for and about adolescent girls all over the world, written by the same author as the Vagina Monologues. It's a collection of poems and stories, well written, but depressing. I posted my favorite excerpt a few blogs ago, and I feel like that's the one most worth reading unless you are in a depressed kind of mood.
All the parenting books on my list are really so that I can help my clients' parents, and I imagine they will help me to be a better therapist to my clients, as well.
I'll let you know what I think of Women, Food and God when I finish. Right now I think I'm resistant to it, but that's mostly because I know I use food as a means of comfort. It came highly recommended by my best friend.
I'm reading Marley and Me because I loved the movie and also because I read another book by John Grogan called The Longest Trip Home, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone looking for a book that will make you laugh (a lot) and cry (a little) and think about family, God, life, death and life-after-death.
Anyway, it's nice to be surrounded by books that I'm interested in reading, even if some of them are for work. Now, if I could just pass the comp so that I don't feel guilty about reading them... well, except that then they will serve as procrastination from my dissertation.
Ohhhh procrastination, I suppose I have done enough of that by now, so I leave you with this - totally hilarious and describes my life perfectly!
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
Anywho, it also helped to get feedback and discover that my failure of the test was little more than differences in style between a couple of the graders (mine went to a tie-breaking 3rd grader) and myself. I'm not incompetent, and in fact performed quite well on almost all domains of the test. People from all around have come out of the woodwork (colleagues, professors, my own therapist) to tell me that they failed their comp and most importantly that it's just another flaming hoop one has to jump through to get through the punishment that is grad school.
At this very moment, I'm procrastinating from my re-study for the next comp administration on Wednesday. (I'm about to complain, feel free to stop reading). I know it's important to study, and I certainly don't want to fail again, but UGH it sucks so much! It's not even the studying, it's the fact that I have to go sit in a room for another 4.5-6 hours (there was a lot of waiting around during the last administration that lengthened the time I expected to be there by about 2 hours) and go through the anxiety and pain of it all again. I'm getting a knot in my stomach just thinking about it.
In other news, I think I'm doing some good work with my clients, and that is always positive, as well as helpful for me to remember in times like these. I love it when clients surprise me in a good way, especially if it's parents of clients, as they are the ones who will ultimately help their children the most!
I wish you could see my bed right now, there are books everywhere - I feel a little bit like Hermione (sorry, I'm on an HP kick, as mentioned before.) with my bookishness. I've never figured out how to upload photos to this thing (to my credit, I have also never tried), but if I had a picture, you would see the following partially-read books strewn around my bed/nightstand and floor:
Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager - Scott P. Sells, Ph.D.
Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep them Talking to You and How to Hear What They're Really Saying - Michael Riera, Ph.D.
Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Empowering Your Teen and Yourself through Kind and Firm Parenting - Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Lynn Lott, M.A., M.F.T.
Scream Free Parenting - Hal Edward Runkel, L.M.F.T.
Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder - Marsha M. Linehan, Ph.D.
Women, Food and God - Geneen Roth
Marley and Me - John Grogan
Finished:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling (I think this was my 7th time? Eek, I'm such a freakazoid!)
The Triple Bind - Stephen Hinshaw, Ph.D.
I Am an Emotional Creature - Eve Ensler
Now, I always recommend Harry Potter to anyone, but aside from that, I have to say that The Triple Bind literally changed the way I view... life. It's about adolescent girls and what our culture has done to them, but I think people from my generation can also relate. I HIGHLY recommend this book to any woman, anyone who has daughters (regardless of age), plans on having children in the future, has family/friends/coworkers with daughters or little sisters, works with children or teenagers in any way (Amy, you should read this), etc., etc. It's changed the way I think about myself, my younger cousins, people I grew up with, and especially my clients.
I Am an Emotional Creature was recommended to me by a colleague at practicum - it's also for and about adolescent girls all over the world, written by the same author as the Vagina Monologues. It's a collection of poems and stories, well written, but depressing. I posted my favorite excerpt a few blogs ago, and I feel like that's the one most worth reading unless you are in a depressed kind of mood.
All the parenting books on my list are really so that I can help my clients' parents, and I imagine they will help me to be a better therapist to my clients, as well.
I'll let you know what I think of Women, Food and God when I finish. Right now I think I'm resistant to it, but that's mostly because I know I use food as a means of comfort. It came highly recommended by my best friend.
I'm reading Marley and Me because I loved the movie and also because I read another book by John Grogan called The Longest Trip Home, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone looking for a book that will make you laugh (a lot) and cry (a little) and think about family, God, life, death and life-after-death.
Anyway, it's nice to be surrounded by books that I'm interested in reading, even if some of them are for work. Now, if I could just pass the comp so that I don't feel guilty about reading them... well, except that then they will serve as procrastination from my dissertation.
Ohhhh procrastination, I suppose I have done enough of that by now, so I leave you with this - totally hilarious and describes my life perfectly!
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Epic Fail is an Understatement
I failed my comp exam.
I found out at about 11:15 last night, which is another story in and of itself (we were supposed to find out by 5pm on Wednesday).
I was already feeling overwhelmed with how much work I have to get done this summer on my dissertation and internship applications, and now I have to set all that aside and re-study for the retake of this exam.
What if I fail again? I seriously could get kicked out of grad school, not even earning a Master's after 3 years. Then what the heck would I do with my life?
The crazy part is that there have been many times in my life that I have left exams feeling like I failed, and then I did okay, but this time around I actually felt okay about it. I mean, I was unsure, but after going over my notes and diagnoses in the DSM, I felt like I did okay- maybe I got a marginal on a couple sections, but not enough to fail the whole exam.
I have failed things before - a couple of stats tests come to mind, a biopsych test, and an astronomy test... The first paper I turned in at Exeter just had a big red X across it and my teacher made me rewrite it... And I definitely failed some math tests at Exeter... But never before have I felt so... well, for lack of a better word, worthless. I always knew I could bounce back from those failures, but suddenly with this one, my whole future seems to be slipping through my fingers.
I know that sounds dramatic, but seriously, what if I fail it again? What if I actually can't continue in grad school?
There's also the fact that this exam is supposed to be for me to prove to the executive committee that I am a competent clinician. I don't always feel 100% confident in myself as a therapist, but it is something that, up until this point, I feel like I excel at. This failure feels like someone saying, "Actually, you suck at what you do. In fact, maybe you should just pick another career, preferably where people's lives aren't in your hands." And that's my whole... being. I mean, there's not a lot else that I like about myself. Grad school has made me fat and haggard, so I don't feel attractive. I am always busy, so I don't feel particularly fun. I'm good at singing, but I'm not good enough to make it as a musician. So being good at what I do is essentially where I derive my self worth from, and now I'm being told by the school, "Oh forgot all those kids who you helped get off drugs, it doesn't matter that you helped teenagers stop feeling suicidal, you aren't a competent clinician and this exam proves it." It feels like everything I've worked for up to now was just pointless.
I feel empty, and I'm going to go ahead and take back what I have previously said about a broken heart being the worst feeling in the world. Empty is definitely worse. At least with a broken heart, you are hurting over something that seems worthwhile - you feel worthwhile yourself, like you have something to offer someone, otherwise it wouldn't hurt so bad. Emptiness just feels like I really have nothing to offer.
I found out at about 11:15 last night, which is another story in and of itself (we were supposed to find out by 5pm on Wednesday).
I was already feeling overwhelmed with how much work I have to get done this summer on my dissertation and internship applications, and now I have to set all that aside and re-study for the retake of this exam.
What if I fail again? I seriously could get kicked out of grad school, not even earning a Master's after 3 years. Then what the heck would I do with my life?
The crazy part is that there have been many times in my life that I have left exams feeling like I failed, and then I did okay, but this time around I actually felt okay about it. I mean, I was unsure, but after going over my notes and diagnoses in the DSM, I felt like I did okay- maybe I got a marginal on a couple sections, but not enough to fail the whole exam.
I have failed things before - a couple of stats tests come to mind, a biopsych test, and an astronomy test... The first paper I turned in at Exeter just had a big red X across it and my teacher made me rewrite it... And I definitely failed some math tests at Exeter... But never before have I felt so... well, for lack of a better word, worthless. I always knew I could bounce back from those failures, but suddenly with this one, my whole future seems to be slipping through my fingers.
I know that sounds dramatic, but seriously, what if I fail it again? What if I actually can't continue in grad school?
There's also the fact that this exam is supposed to be for me to prove to the executive committee that I am a competent clinician. I don't always feel 100% confident in myself as a therapist, but it is something that, up until this point, I feel like I excel at. This failure feels like someone saying, "Actually, you suck at what you do. In fact, maybe you should just pick another career, preferably where people's lives aren't in your hands." And that's my whole... being. I mean, there's not a lot else that I like about myself. Grad school has made me fat and haggard, so I don't feel attractive. I am always busy, so I don't feel particularly fun. I'm good at singing, but I'm not good enough to make it as a musician. So being good at what I do is essentially where I derive my self worth from, and now I'm being told by the school, "Oh forgot all those kids who you helped get off drugs, it doesn't matter that you helped teenagers stop feeling suicidal, you aren't a competent clinician and this exam proves it." It feels like everything I've worked for up to now was just pointless.
I feel empty, and I'm going to go ahead and take back what I have previously said about a broken heart being the worst feeling in the world. Empty is definitely worse. At least with a broken heart, you are hurting over something that seems worthwhile - you feel worthwhile yourself, like you have something to offer someone, otherwise it wouldn't hurt so bad. Emptiness just feels like I really have nothing to offer.
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