Broken Ankle, Broken Heart

Okay, the title is dramatic, as neither are ACTUALLY broken, but both in pain: "Twisted Ankle, Wounded Heart," didn't have as nice of a ring to it.

Things have not been great lately, I'm not going to lie. The exception to that was a few weeks ago when I went to the Red Sox/A's game and got to MEET some of the Red Sox, including Jason Varitek - yes, I cried. I'm not sure when I wrote my last post, but the other exception to this was in August, when I got to go to the Cape Cod/Boston for a few days and see my best friend - that was bittersweet, though, because then I had to turn around and leave again.

Today started off with an 8am client, as most days do for me now, but I am not, never have been and never will be a morning person. As soon as I walked through the door at work, 20 minutes early, mind you, I was accosted by a staff member saying I needed to see someone for an emergency walk-in, and, oh yes, "You're 8am client is also here." Wow, could you maybe let me put my purse/bag/notebook down? Anyway, I saw my 8am client for a full hour, then saw the emergency walk in for 15 minutes, then saw my 9am client for 50 minutes, then saw my 10am client for a full hour, and then I was informed that I had to see another emergency walk-in client, who I saw for half an hour and then my 11am for 45 minutes, cutting into my lunch break. Meanwhile, I have done NO paperwork on all 6 of these people, and my cute heals were rubbing blisters on my feet. I spent what little I had left of lunch break doing paperwork. I also get an email informing me that the man who, for all intents and purposes, seemed (actually, is) perfect for me and I've been falling for for quite a while (yes, I may have imagined our perfect life together and named our children - DON'T JUDGE ME!), in fact, just sees me as a friend. And I started crying... at work... in front of my coworkers... although most of them were in their own worlds, totally unaware, but it's still that, "OH MY GOSH! AM I SERIOUSLY CRYING AT WORK RIGHT NOW," feeling. I pulled myself together... sort of... only to see a client who is grieving the end of a romantic relationship (very hard for me to see the cognitive distortions when I'm thinking the SAME things), and at the end of that session, I stood up and, in true Lindsey fashion, twisted my ankle and fell down... in front of the client. My ankle swelled up, leaving me hobbling to and fro. By the end of the day (6pm - yes that's 10+ hours), my ankle was totally swollen, as were my eyes. I was sobbing before I even got out of the Health and Wellness building, muchless all the way to my car. Fortunately, I did not run into any clients!

All of this on top of some crazy drama/issues going on with dissertation/internship and serious financial problems, and the fact that I am missing 2 very close friends' weddings next week, and the fact that every week someone calls me to tell me they are engaged and the fact that all of these people inevitably say, "I always thought you would be the one to get married first. You are the one who always wanted a husband and kids. That's salt in an open wound, people - I'm just letting you know. I recognize that the following statement is the most irrational thought in the world, but no amount of CBT techniques gets rid of it, and I think it all the time. I feel like because I have had such a good life (i.e., I wasn't raped or molested as a child, I had more than enough of everything. Actually, I was spoiled. I had involved parents and grandparents and extended family and neighbors. I had opportunities to acquire skills and talents and learn in a safe environment)... Anyway, I feel like because I had such a good early life, I am now being punished by like.. God or the universe or karma or something in that the one thing I've always wanted (marriage, children), I will never actually have. Everyone tells me that I need to be okay with the fact that I might just be alone forever and I might not have kids - I should feel appreciative of the fact that I (usually) enjoy my work and I have an education and the ability to support myself... I AM grateful for all of that, but I will never be truly happy (not to say I will be miserable, just not truly happy), until I have a family of my own. I was born to be a wife and mother, first and foremost, and I feel that to my core, not because I think all women are meant to be mothers but because I was meant to be a mother. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me that no one is letting me know about. When I say that to people, they say, "Oh no, Lindsey, you are so nice and sweet, that's not it." Even guys tell me I'm nice and sweet, but somehow nice and sweet does not appear to get me anywhere with men. It's always, "Ohhh, I think we could be best friends," or "Oh, I love you, too, but I love you like a sister." Guys, don't EVER tell someone this, even if that's how you feel. It's like a dagger to the heart. Why am I the best friend? What is it about me that is not the girlfriend? Do I have some horrible deformity that I am blind to but everyone else sees? Am I really hideous looking, but because of repeated exposure to mirror images and pictures of myself, I have grown accustomed to the ugliness? I know that life isn't fair and people don't always get what they want, but it seems like the world is playing a cruel joke on me.

About my current situation, everyone is saying, "Oh, Lindsey. It's his loss." But honestly, and I'm actually not exaggerating or being overly dramatic here, it isn't. It truly is my loss. I mean, I can acknowledge in other situations with guys, they are the ones ultimately missing out, but this is a situation where I literally felt like God placed my perfect match right before me - not that this man is perfect, but that he is so incredibly perfect for me. I'm not going to go into details on a blog, but again, it just feels like an evil joke.

Anyway, my ankle is swollen, my heart hurts, and my eyes will probably be swollen shut tomorrow morning, when I have an 8am meeting... I feel like I've taken a beating, and my most important organ might not recover.