Hey, I'm back!

Hello avid followers - all 2 of you!

I have emerged from the black hole known as grad school, and I am alive and somewhat well.

In the last month, I have:
-celebrated the marriages of two of my closest friends in the world
--cried many tears in the process of letting those friends go
-written approximately 100 pages of school-related nonsense
-given several presentations
-pulled many all-nighters
-taken two of the hardest exams of my life
-terminated with kid clients, most of whom cried, and one where I couldn't hold back the tears myself because my heart is perhaps a little too big, and sometimes I love too much
-been infuriated with people's parenting, or lack thereof
-attended an 8th grade graduation and felt what can only be described as a "Proud Momma" feeling
-been told by a 14 year old that s/he would have committed suicide if it weren't for me
-been told by a 12 year old that s/he said no to marijuana because of me, even though his/her friends all succumbed
-been told by a 14 year old that I was the only person s/he had, the only person who really knows him/her
-cried a lot
-read The Triple Bind and recommend it to anyone who works with girls, has a child, or ever intends to be a parent
-begun my own therapy, and learned a lot about myself in the process
-achieved a 3.73 final GPA for my classes in grad school
-procrastinated from my dissertation proposal (which is what i'm doing right now)
-found a roommate
--lost that found roommate due to parents who can't let go
-worried
-worried some more
-posted 6 ads on craigslist, as well as roommates.com, roomster.com, facebook, twitter, stanford community housing, google and microsoft lists
-held hands with someone who makes all of those troubles melt away and genuinely makes me feel happy
-been confused by that someone and what exactly holding hands means to him
-seen my friend from Ethiopia for the first time in 3 years, and taken her to the airport to start her new adventures in south africa
-watched 1 world cup game - we lost
-played with tara's girls
-had my first beach trip of 2010
-gotten sunburned
-read "I am an Emotional Creature," which was actually really depressing
-run through the gammut of emotions
-loved my friends
-survived.

And that's what you've missed...

On a somewhat unrelated note, I want to speak about 8th grade graduation at Egan.

There were several student speakers at graduation, all very impressive, but the last of whom I did not know. I was SHOCKED by her speech, not only because it was so advanced that I needed a dictionary, or at least a set of SAT prep vocabulary cards, but also by the message. I'm not going to lie, it was a great speech, and I don't want to take anything away from her. The teachers were whispering about how she was the most amazing student ever and how she's going somewhere.

I hope that's the case. I hope she doesn't end up on the train tracks, like so many other Palo Alto/Los Altos kids.

I can't remember the metaphor she used in the speech, which is funny because I remember thinking that the majority of the 8th graders likely didn't even get the metaphor because it was so abstract and advanced, but the basic gist was that the kids need to try harder, to be better, to strive for more. Normally, I'd say that's a great message. In Los Altos, however, I'm not sure. Yes, of course there are the spoiled brat kids who could use some work/discipline/community service in their lives. Everyone needs that, but there are also the kids whose parents went to Stanford/Harvard/Duke, etc., who feel that they will NEVER be good enough, smart enough, strong enough - who feel like they have to please everyone - their teachers, their parents, their coaches, their friends. They are kids who stay up until 2am doing their homework in 8th grade because they have to get a 4.0 - I wouldn't be surprised if this girl was one of them. They are 13 year olds who are doing extracurriculars, not because they love dancing or singing or sports, but because they "need those things to get into a good college." Yeah, you read that right - 13 and already not enjoying their lives because it's all geared towards being the best, getting into the best college, pleasing everyone. The first time I even thought to do an extracurricular that would beef up my resume was junior year of high school, not 7th or 8th grade. I was busy then, but I loved dancing and cheerleading and music lessons. For these kids, it's just something they have to do. So sad.

In her speech, she said something to the effect of, "It's 7am on Saturday morning. The birds are chirping outside and the whole day is ahead of you. Are you going to roll over and sleep in - waste precious hours that you could be dedicating to helping others or the environment - or are you going to wake up and say, "Today and every day I pledge to make a difference?" We are all busy during the week, attending school, playing sports, doing homework and practicing music - the five days of the week are generally dedicated to bettering ourselves. That means we cannot be wasteful of our weekends. We must choose to dedicate those hours to others - by doing this we will better ourselves and the world. So are you going to roll over and go back to sleep this Saturday morning when the sun appears over the horizon, or are you going to make a difference?"

She makes a valid point, but she is in 8th grade! These kids, who attend the #2 ranked middle school in the state, already work their butts off all week long, and do absurd amounts of extracurriculars, which they don't enjoy, to please other people. They are 13 and 14 years old - CHILDREN! Sure, community service is great, but so is self-care and being a kid! These kids DESERVE a break and to sleep in on Saturday morning, especially the ones who are only sleeping 4-5 hours a night because of their insane workload. 14 year olds need about 10-12 hours of sleep per night - their frontal cortexes are just being to develop important connections! Somehow the culture in this area has made parents insane: Wanting their kids to be the best, they sacrifice sleep and health and CHILDHOOD. And then they wonder why there is an epidemic of 13-17 year olds jumping in front of trains. They wonder why their kids are using drugs and cutting their wrists and sexually promiscuous. The answer is right in front of their faces - this "must-go-to-Stanford" culture has stolen the kids' individuality, their personalities, their freedom, their ability to make decisions for themselves, their last years of childhood, and ultimately, their happiness.

When I have kids, I know I will want them to go to Exeter, to go to good colleges, to succeed. But, more than anything else, I want them to be kids for as long as possible, to raise them to be good people and then step back and let them make choices for themselves, to let them find and pursue their passions, without worrying about whether those passions will get them into an Ivy League. I will show them the joy that service brings as children, but allow them to be egosyntonic in adolescence, with the hope that I have instilled important values, that will manifest more as they mature. I don't want to ever see the light in their eyes dim and eventually go out the way I have seen in so many kids' eyes in this area.

The culture here, in so many ways, is telling us that self-care is unnecessary and selfish, unless it's achievement oriented, but tell me, how is one to care for others and for the world, when s/he does not love him/herself?

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I did not proof read this, so I apologize for typos or grammatical errors. I also appreciate anyone who actually read through this entire rant!