Some thoughts as I procrastinate from my dissertation...

I'm sure all of you know by now that I did not match to an internship during Phase I.

Here is a brief rundown of what happened:

2/25 5:45am - Got an email that I did not match.

2/25 1pm - Meeting with Internship Coaches for Phase II - cried in front of said coaches and peers. Felt surprised by those who didn't match. Realized that we all had a common factor (my ex-diss chair). Coincidence? I think not.

2/25 Spent the rest of the day sulking, but began looking at sites available for Phase II of the match.

2/26 Spent most of this day sulking, but narrowed down the list of places to apply. Also emailed all of my friends and family to ask for help because it's impossible to apply to 32 places in 4 days.

2/27-28 Spent these days working my tail off, not sleeping, but feeling grateful that I literally have the most amazing friends in the history of the world. Organized my spreadsheet. 

3/1 Wonderful friends came over and helped me work on cover letters and edit essays. Other wonderful friends helped me remotely. Slept all of 2 hours this night.

3/2 Did not sleep at all. Had friends staying up with me remotely to edit letters. Worked like I've never worked before.

3/3 2am My roommate woke up from a 4 hour nap and proceeded to stay awake with me and edit cover letters until 7am.

3/3 7:25am All 32 applications submitted 35 minutes before the deadline.

3/3 8am Tried to take a nap. I couldn't sleep.

3/3 11am Went to practicum.

3/3 10pm Tried to sleep, but couldn't.

3/4 Went to practicum, completely exhausted.

I still have not caught up on sleep, although I slept for a solid 10 hours last night. It was awesome.

So you know, I only have 2 interviews so far. I've been officially rejected by 4 places, but I know that 8 other places I applied offered interviews and likely aren't sending rejections out (they aren't required to this go round). So that leaves 18 more possible interviews. Things aren't looking great. :/ Although, I have to say that the one place I did interview with so far was a wonderful fit for me, so please keep me in your thoughts and prayers!

Honestly, I think I handled the not matching surprisingly well, considering that if I don't match in Phase II, I will have to do another year of practica, take out more student loans, and graduate with the class of 2013. I have no issue with doing another year of practica, but the student loans and graduating a year later would be pretty devastating, so here's hoping I match this go round.  But back to my point, the reason I faired so well and got down to business and cranked out those applications is because of the support I got from friends and family. Honestly, I have never felt more loved in my life. It reminded me to put things into perspective and recognize that a) things happen for a reason and b) no matter what happens, I have a ridiculous amount of people in my life who love me (and who I obviously love back!). Ultimately, that's what matters. Regardless of what I look like on paper or how a training director may judge me from a 30 minute interview, the people who really know me are the people who count, and I got emails/facebook messages/texts from over a hundred people sending their love and support. What that means to me is that I have had a positive impact on their lives, and that makes me feel really successful in my life, no matter what the outcome of match may be.

All of this has coincided (ish) with Lent, which started on Wednesday. I know what you are thinking: "Lent? But you aren't Catholic?"  Yes, I know, but I did go to a Catholic Ash Wednesday service with a dear friend, and I have participated in Lent for more years than I can remember - I believe I started in 7th grade.  Lent is actually one of my favorite times of year leading up to Easter, which is one of my favorite holidays. It's a time that I draw closer to God each year. In case you are wondering what Lent is, here you go (from Wikipedia):

Lent in the Christian tradition, is the period of the liturgical year from Ash Wednesday to Easter. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, repentance, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

According to the Canonical gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke, Jesus spent forty days fasting in the desert before the beginning of his public ministry, where he endured temptation by Satan.^[1][2] Thus, Lent is described as being forty days long, though different denominations calculate the forty days differently.

This practice is common to much of Christendom, being celebrated by Catholics, Lutherans, Methodists, Presbyterians, andAnglicans.

This year, I'm taking the time to re-read the Lenten Gospels and started with the Temptation of Christ today. It's easy to forget that Christ faced temptations, as we often think of Him as being perfect. I mean, He is perfect, but it's sort of like this: There has never been in a time in my life when I have been in the least bit tempted to do cocaine. Seriously, if someone offered to pay me money to do cocaine, I still wouldn't do it. It's just not a temptation for me. It seems like any temptation would be the same for Jesus - a nonissue. Not true, actually. Like my struggle with eating healthily (I'm almost always tempted to eat delicious, but very non-nutritious foods), Jesus really struggled with Satan's temptations. He fasted and was weary, but managed to stave off the devil's temptations. Doesn't that give you hope that you can also win against temptation? It does for me.

As mentioned, part of Lent is giving something up/sacrificing for 40 days (Ash Wednesday to Easter is technically more than 40 days, but oh well). In the past, I have given up burritos, chocolate, Facebook, AIM, eating out, and more. This year, I couldn't decide what to give up. I wish I could give up the internet, but unfortunately, that's just not possible, as I get an abundance of emails everyday that are both school and work related. I considered giving up Facebook, but given that many of my friends are moving away as early as May, I didn't want to lose contact with them OR lose so much of my social support during Phase II of the Match. I think Jesus would agree. :)  I also considered giving up eating out again, but because my schedule is so insanely hectic, I knew that this really wasn't feasible, and then I'd just feel like a bad person if I couldn't do it. So, I asked my therapist last week what he thought I should give up. His response, "Lindsey, you're just such a good person, there's nothing to give up." Ha! Flattering, but definitely not true. No matter who you are, you can always improve yourself. I mean, even Jesus fasted and prayed to improve Himself. So my therapist suggested that rather than giving up something, I add something into my life. Although some people do this, it kind of feels like cheating, but we decided that I would go to the gym. My therapist framed, "By going to the gym, you are giving up some of your free time that you might be vegging out or watching TV, etc." I like thinking of it this way, and I've even sort of imposed a "No TV until after the Gym" rule. I have not watched TV in two days. Ha, but I DO plan to go to the gym tonight. Going to the gym is something I have a REALLY hard time motivating to do, but I have to say, Jesus is a pretty good motivator. I have the fact that it's my Lenten promise but ALSO the fact that I know He would want me to take care of my body as motivators. I'll let you know how I do.

Anyway, even if you don't celebrate Lent or are not Christian at all, I'd encourage you to do Lent with me (you're only a few days late starting at this point). 40 days of giving something up or adding something positive to your life can only do you good. If you are Christian (in any way, even if your religion doesn't celebrate Lent), I think, like me, you will find yourself drawing nearer to God.

That is all for now.