I failed my comp exam.
I found out at about 11:15 last night, which is another story in and of itself (we were supposed to find out by 5pm on Wednesday).
I was already feeling overwhelmed with how much work I have to get done this summer on my dissertation and internship applications, and now I have to set all that aside and re-study for the retake of this exam.
What if I fail again? I seriously could get kicked out of grad school, not even earning a Master's after 3 years. Then what the heck would I do with my life?
The crazy part is that there have been many times in my life that I have left exams feeling like I failed, and then I did okay, but this time around I actually felt okay about it. I mean, I was unsure, but after going over my notes and diagnoses in the DSM, I felt like I did okay- maybe I got a marginal on a couple sections, but not enough to fail the whole exam.
I have failed things before - a couple of stats tests come to mind, a biopsych test, and an astronomy test... The first paper I turned in at Exeter just had a big red X across it and my teacher made me rewrite it... And I definitely failed some math tests at Exeter... But never before have I felt so... well, for lack of a better word, worthless. I always knew I could bounce back from those failures, but suddenly with this one, my whole future seems to be slipping through my fingers.
I know that sounds dramatic, but seriously, what if I fail it again? What if I actually can't continue in grad school?
There's also the fact that this exam is supposed to be for me to prove to the executive committee that I am a competent clinician. I don't always feel 100% confident in myself as a therapist, but it is something that, up until this point, I feel like I excel at. This failure feels like someone saying, "Actually, you suck at what you do. In fact, maybe you should just pick another career, preferably where people's lives aren't in your hands." And that's my whole... being. I mean, there's not a lot else that I like about myself. Grad school has made me fat and haggard, so I don't feel attractive. I am always busy, so I don't feel particularly fun. I'm good at singing, but I'm not good enough to make it as a musician. So being good at what I do is essentially where I derive my self worth from, and now I'm being told by the school, "Oh forgot all those kids who you helped get off drugs, it doesn't matter that you helped teenagers stop feeling suicidal, you aren't a competent clinician and this exam proves it." It feels like everything I've worked for up to now was just pointless.
I feel empty, and I'm going to go ahead and take back what I have previously said about a broken heart being the worst feeling in the world. Empty is definitely worse. At least with a broken heart, you are hurting over something that seems worthwhile - you feel worthwhile yourself, like you have something to offer someone, otherwise it wouldn't hurt so bad. Emptiness just feels like I really have nothing to offer.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Hey, I'm back!
Hello avid followers - all 2 of you!
I have emerged from the black hole known as grad school, and I am alive and somewhat well.
In the last month, I have:
-celebrated the marriages of two of my closest friends in the world
--cried many tears in the process of letting those friends go
-written approximately 100 pages of school-related nonsense
-given several presentations
-pulled many all-nighters
-taken two of the hardest exams of my life
-terminated with kid clients, most of whom cried, and one where I couldn't hold back the tears myself because my heart is perhaps a little too big, and sometimes I love too much
-been infuriated with people's parenting, or lack thereof
-attended an 8th grade graduation and felt what can only be described as a "Proud Momma" feeling
-been told by a 14 year old that s/he would have committed suicide if it weren't for me
-been told by a 12 year old that s/he said no to marijuana because of me, even though his/her friends all succumbed
-been told by a 14 year old that I was the only person s/he had, the only person who really knows him/her
-cried a lot
-read The Triple Bind and recommend it to anyone who works with girls, has a child, or ever intends to be a parent
-begun my own therapy, and learned a lot about myself in the process
-achieved a 3.73 final GPA for my classes in grad school
-procrastinated from my dissertation proposal (which is what i'm doing right now)
-found a roommate
--lost that found roommate due to parents who can't let go
-worried
-worried some more
-posted 6 ads on craigslist, as well as roommates.com, roomster.com, facebook, twitter, stanford community housing, google and microsoft lists
-held hands with someone who makes all of those troubles melt away and genuinely makes me feel happy
-been confused by that someone and what exactly holding hands means to him
-seen my friend from Ethiopia for the first time in 3 years, and taken her to the airport to start her new adventures in south africa
-watched 1 world cup game - we lost
-played with tara's girls
-had my first beach trip of 2010
-gotten sunburned
-read "I am an Emotional Creature," which was actually really depressing
-run through the gammut of emotions
-loved my friends
-survived.
And that's what you've missed...
On a somewhat unrelated note, I want to speak about 8th grade graduation at Egan.
There were several student speakers at graduation, all very impressive, but the last of whom I did not know. I was SHOCKED by her speech, not only because it was so advanced that I needed a dictionary, or at least a set of SAT prep vocabulary cards, but also by the message. I'm not going to lie, it was a great speech, and I don't want to take anything away from her. The teachers were whispering about how she was the most amazing student ever and how she's going somewhere.
I hope that's the case. I hope she doesn't end up on the train tracks, like so many other Palo Alto/Los Altos kids.
I can't remember the metaphor she used in the speech, which is funny because I remember thinking that the majority of the 8th graders likely didn't even get the metaphor because it was so abstract and advanced, but the basic gist was that the kids need to try harder, to be better, to strive for more. Normally, I'd say that's a great message. In Los Altos, however, I'm not sure. Yes, of course there are the spoiled brat kids who could use some work/discipline/community service in their lives. Everyone needs that, but there are also the kids whose parents went to Stanford/Harvard/Duke, etc., who feel that they will NEVER be good enough, smart enough, strong enough - who feel like they have to please everyone - their teachers, their parents, their coaches, their friends. They are kids who stay up until 2am doing their homework in 8th grade because they have to get a 4.0 - I wouldn't be surprised if this girl was one of them. They are 13 year olds who are doing extracurriculars, not because they love dancing or singing or sports, but because they "need those things to get into a good college." Yeah, you read that right - 13 and already not enjoying their lives because it's all geared towards being the best, getting into the best college, pleasing everyone. The first time I even thought to do an extracurricular that would beef up my resume was junior year of high school, not 7th or 8th grade. I was busy then, but I loved dancing and cheerleading and music lessons. For these kids, it's just something they have to do. So sad.
In her speech, she said something to the effect of, "It's 7am on Saturday morning. The birds are chirping outside and the whole day is ahead of you. Are you going to roll over and sleep in - waste precious hours that you could be dedicating to helping others or the environment - or are you going to wake up and say, "Today and every day I pledge to make a difference?" We are all busy during the week, attending school, playing sports, doing homework and practicing music - the five days of the week are generally dedicated to bettering ourselves. That means we cannot be wasteful of our weekends. We must choose to dedicate those hours to others - by doing this we will better ourselves and the world. So are you going to roll over and go back to sleep this Saturday morning when the sun appears over the horizon, or are you going to make a difference?"
She makes a valid point, but she is in 8th grade! These kids, who attend the #2 ranked middle school in the state, already work their butts off all week long, and do absurd amounts of extracurriculars, which they don't enjoy, to please other people. They are 13 and 14 years old - CHILDREN! Sure, community service is great, but so is self-care and being a kid! These kids DESERVE a break and to sleep in on Saturday morning, especially the ones who are only sleeping 4-5 hours a night because of their insane workload. 14 year olds need about 10-12 hours of sleep per night - their frontal cortexes are just being to develop important connections! Somehow the culture in this area has made parents insane: Wanting their kids to be the best, they sacrifice sleep and health and CHILDHOOD. And then they wonder why there is an epidemic of 13-17 year olds jumping in front of trains. They wonder why their kids are using drugs and cutting their wrists and sexually promiscuous. The answer is right in front of their faces - this "must-go-to-Stanford" culture has stolen the kids' individuality, their personalities, their freedom, their ability to make decisions for themselves, their last years of childhood, and ultimately, their happiness.
When I have kids, I know I will want them to go to Exeter, to go to good colleges, to succeed. But, more than anything else, I want them to be kids for as long as possible, to raise them to be good people and then step back and let them make choices for themselves, to let them find and pursue their passions, without worrying about whether those passions will get them into an Ivy League. I will show them the joy that service brings as children, but allow them to be egosyntonic in adolescence, with the hope that I have instilled important values, that will manifest more as they mature. I don't want to ever see the light in their eyes dim and eventually go out the way I have seen in so many kids' eyes in this area.
The culture here, in so many ways, is telling us that self-care is unnecessary and selfish, unless it's achievement oriented, but tell me, how is one to care for others and for the world, when s/he does not love him/herself?
***
I did not proof read this, so I apologize for typos or grammatical errors. I also appreciate anyone who actually read through this entire rant!
I have emerged from the black hole known as grad school, and I am alive and somewhat well.
In the last month, I have:
-celebrated the marriages of two of my closest friends in the world
--cried many tears in the process of letting those friends go
-written approximately 100 pages of school-related nonsense
-given several presentations
-pulled many all-nighters
-taken two of the hardest exams of my life
-terminated with kid clients, most of whom cried, and one where I couldn't hold back the tears myself because my heart is perhaps a little too big, and sometimes I love too much
-been infuriated with people's parenting, or lack thereof
-attended an 8th grade graduation and felt what can only be described as a "Proud Momma" feeling
-been told by a 14 year old that s/he would have committed suicide if it weren't for me
-been told by a 12 year old that s/he said no to marijuana because of me, even though his/her friends all succumbed
-been told by a 14 year old that I was the only person s/he had, the only person who really knows him/her
-cried a lot
-read The Triple Bind and recommend it to anyone who works with girls, has a child, or ever intends to be a parent
-begun my own therapy, and learned a lot about myself in the process
-achieved a 3.73 final GPA for my classes in grad school
-procrastinated from my dissertation proposal (which is what i'm doing right now)
-found a roommate
--lost that found roommate due to parents who can't let go
-worried
-worried some more
-posted 6 ads on craigslist, as well as roommates.com, roomster.com, facebook, twitter, stanford community housing, google and microsoft lists
-held hands with someone who makes all of those troubles melt away and genuinely makes me feel happy
-been confused by that someone and what exactly holding hands means to him
-seen my friend from Ethiopia for the first time in 3 years, and taken her to the airport to start her new adventures in south africa
-watched 1 world cup game - we lost
-played with tara's girls
-had my first beach trip of 2010
-gotten sunburned
-read "I am an Emotional Creature," which was actually really depressing
-run through the gammut of emotions
-loved my friends
-survived.
And that's what you've missed...
On a somewhat unrelated note, I want to speak about 8th grade graduation at Egan.
There were several student speakers at graduation, all very impressive, but the last of whom I did not know. I was SHOCKED by her speech, not only because it was so advanced that I needed a dictionary, or at least a set of SAT prep vocabulary cards, but also by the message. I'm not going to lie, it was a great speech, and I don't want to take anything away from her. The teachers were whispering about how she was the most amazing student ever and how she's going somewhere.
I hope that's the case. I hope she doesn't end up on the train tracks, like so many other Palo Alto/Los Altos kids.
I can't remember the metaphor she used in the speech, which is funny because I remember thinking that the majority of the 8th graders likely didn't even get the metaphor because it was so abstract and advanced, but the basic gist was that the kids need to try harder, to be better, to strive for more. Normally, I'd say that's a great message. In Los Altos, however, I'm not sure. Yes, of course there are the spoiled brat kids who could use some work/discipline/community service in their lives. Everyone needs that, but there are also the kids whose parents went to Stanford/Harvard/Duke, etc., who feel that they will NEVER be good enough, smart enough, strong enough - who feel like they have to please everyone - their teachers, their parents, their coaches, their friends. They are kids who stay up until 2am doing their homework in 8th grade because they have to get a 4.0 - I wouldn't be surprised if this girl was one of them. They are 13 year olds who are doing extracurriculars, not because they love dancing or singing or sports, but because they "need those things to get into a good college." Yeah, you read that right - 13 and already not enjoying their lives because it's all geared towards being the best, getting into the best college, pleasing everyone. The first time I even thought to do an extracurricular that would beef up my resume was junior year of high school, not 7th or 8th grade. I was busy then, but I loved dancing and cheerleading and music lessons. For these kids, it's just something they have to do. So sad.
In her speech, she said something to the effect of, "It's 7am on Saturday morning. The birds are chirping outside and the whole day is ahead of you. Are you going to roll over and sleep in - waste precious hours that you could be dedicating to helping others or the environment - or are you going to wake up and say, "Today and every day I pledge to make a difference?" We are all busy during the week, attending school, playing sports, doing homework and practicing music - the five days of the week are generally dedicated to bettering ourselves. That means we cannot be wasteful of our weekends. We must choose to dedicate those hours to others - by doing this we will better ourselves and the world. So are you going to roll over and go back to sleep this Saturday morning when the sun appears over the horizon, or are you going to make a difference?"
She makes a valid point, but she is in 8th grade! These kids, who attend the #2 ranked middle school in the state, already work their butts off all week long, and do absurd amounts of extracurriculars, which they don't enjoy, to please other people. They are 13 and 14 years old - CHILDREN! Sure, community service is great, but so is self-care and being a kid! These kids DESERVE a break and to sleep in on Saturday morning, especially the ones who are only sleeping 4-5 hours a night because of their insane workload. 14 year olds need about 10-12 hours of sleep per night - their frontal cortexes are just being to develop important connections! Somehow the culture in this area has made parents insane: Wanting their kids to be the best, they sacrifice sleep and health and CHILDHOOD. And then they wonder why there is an epidemic of 13-17 year olds jumping in front of trains. They wonder why their kids are using drugs and cutting their wrists and sexually promiscuous. The answer is right in front of their faces - this "must-go-to-Stanford" culture has stolen the kids' individuality, their personalities, their freedom, their ability to make decisions for themselves, their last years of childhood, and ultimately, their happiness.
When I have kids, I know I will want them to go to Exeter, to go to good colleges, to succeed. But, more than anything else, I want them to be kids for as long as possible, to raise them to be good people and then step back and let them make choices for themselves, to let them find and pursue their passions, without worrying about whether those passions will get them into an Ivy League. I will show them the joy that service brings as children, but allow them to be egosyntonic in adolescence, with the hope that I have instilled important values, that will manifest more as they mature. I don't want to ever see the light in their eyes dim and eventually go out the way I have seen in so many kids' eyes in this area.
The culture here, in so many ways, is telling us that self-care is unnecessary and selfish, unless it's achievement oriented, but tell me, how is one to care for others and for the world, when s/he does not love him/herself?
***
I did not proof read this, so I apologize for typos or grammatical errors. I also appreciate anyone who actually read through this entire rant!
Excerpt from Eve Ensler's, "I Am an Emotional Creature"
I love being a girl.
I can feel what you're feeling
as you're feeling it inside
the feeling
before.
I am an emotional creature.
Things do not come to me
as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas.
They pulse through my organs and legs
and burn up my ears...
I am an emotional creature.
I love that I do not take things lightly.
Everything is intense to me...
I know that one kiss can take
away all my decision-making ability
and sometimes, you know, it should.
This is not extreme.
It's a girl thing...
I love that I can feel the inside
of the feelings in you,
even if it stops my life
even if it hurts too much
or takes me off track
even if it breaks my heart.
It makes me responsible.
I am an emotional
I am an emotional, devotional,
incandotional creature.
And I love, hear me,
love love love
being a girl. - Eve Ensler
I can feel what you're feeling
as you're feeling it inside
the feeling
before.
I am an emotional creature.
Things do not come to me
as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas.
They pulse through my organs and legs
and burn up my ears...
I am an emotional creature.
I love that I do not take things lightly.
Everything is intense to me...
I know that one kiss can take
away all my decision-making ability
and sometimes, you know, it should.
This is not extreme.
It's a girl thing...
I love that I can feel the inside
of the feelings in you,
even if it stops my life
even if it hurts too much
or takes me off track
even if it breaks my heart.
It makes me responsible.
I am an emotional
I am an emotional, devotional,
incandotional creature.
And I love, hear me,
love love love
being a girl. - Eve Ensler
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Rated R Movies lead to underage drinking?
Really interesting article on kids' exposure to Rated R movies and drinking habits: http://dms.dartmouth.edu/news/2010/04/26_tanski.shtml
I definitely didn't watch Rated R movies, even in high school. I wonder if this is one of the reasons I never had the desire to drink/use drugs/do anything out of line as an adolescent?
I definitely didn't watch Rated R movies, even in high school. I wonder if this is one of the reasons I never had the desire to drink/use drugs/do anything out of line as an adolescent?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Boundaries on the Internet
And here I am posting a public blog about it.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/29/AR2010032902942.html
Here's what I posted when I first read this:
It is interesting. I think I fall into the younger therapist category that thinks it's less harmful than people are making it out to be. On the other hand, I don't work or intend to work with people who I would worry about seeing my FB profile (with that said, my profile is very private).
The last quote about patients seeing the therapist as only existing in the context of therapy and the internet ruining that is totally counterintuitive to how I approach therapy. If the adolescents I work with don't see me as a real person with a life, there's no way for me to get through to them. As it is, I use a lot of disclosure and I'm very transparent with them. I find that this allows teens to trust me, while recognizing my fallibility, allowing for quicker and easier repairs of ruptures.
I also Facebook my adolescent clients (but not my adults), both to see if they are lying to me (which 14 year olds tend to do), and also out of curiosity, which this article is making me question. I feel like it always informs treatment, though, even if it's just finding common interests, so I can get a kid's buy-in to my credibility (in the sense that they believe I can understand their lives). I also discuss the internet with my adolescents a LOT, because so much of their drama comes from the internet. I allow them to pull up their profiles and those of their friends, as well as email conversations or text messages. I agree with one of the quotes that if the work can be done IN SESSION, it's even better. Or at least, it doesn't feel sneaky or unethical.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/29/AR2010032902942.html
Here's what I posted when I first read this:
It is interesting. I think I fall into the younger therapist category that thinks it's less harmful than people are making it out to be. On the other hand, I don't work or intend to work with people who I would worry about seeing my FB profile (with that said, my profile is very private).
The last quote about patients seeing the therapist as only existing in the context of therapy and the internet ruining that is totally counterintuitive to how I approach therapy. If the adolescents I work with don't see me as a real person with a life, there's no way for me to get through to them. As it is, I use a lot of disclosure and I'm very transparent with them. I find that this allows teens to trust me, while recognizing my fallibility, allowing for quicker and easier repairs of ruptures.
I also Facebook my adolescent clients (but not my adults), both to see if they are lying to me (which 14 year olds tend to do), and also out of curiosity, which this article is making me question. I feel like it always informs treatment, though, even if it's just finding common interests, so I can get a kid's buy-in to my credibility (in the sense that they believe I can understand their lives). I also discuss the internet with my adolescents a LOT, because so much of their drama comes from the internet. I allow them to pull up their profiles and those of their friends, as well as email conversations or text messages. I agree with one of the quotes that if the work can be done IN SESSION, it's even better. Or at least, it doesn't feel sneaky or unethical.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Question
I really need to start writing more (for my own sanity), but there are some things that I would like to write and keep private or only post to certain friends. Does anyone know if this is possible on this website?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Extending the School Day
http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/03/16/feinberg.longer.schoolday/index.html?eref=igoogle_cnn
So I posted this article on facebook, and my friend responded with this:
completely agree. our students spend less time in school than they would if they lived in almost any other developed country. then we complain about why they aren't keeping up, blame it on them, and pour money into schools to try to fix it. our school schedules are based on a time when students had to help their parents harvest crops. doesn't really make sense for people who live in New York City, and as of recently the population of the US has shifted from predominantly rural to predominantly urban.
keeping kids in school longer each day and for more days per year would solve the problems that families face when both parents work (or in single-parent households with one worker) and kids have nobody to look after them. and then there won't be a 2-month-long summer that necessitates camps and babysitters and other ways of keeping kids out of trouble. so keep them in school from 7 to 5, with recess so they don't get fat, 45-minute lunches so they can eat and socialize without feeling rushed (also helps with weight control), etc. etc. on top of all of that, they'll learn more and better retain what they've learned. and that's the end of my rant.
Here's my response:
Hmm... It's funny because I completely disagree. What about the kids who have it together (or who's families have it together)? What about extracurriculars? When are kids supposed to develop talents? I had dance, cheerleading or gymnastics rehearsals every day after school until 8 or 9 o'clock by the time I was in middle school. Couldn't have done that if I had school until 5! Also, 7am? Are you joking? Do you know that teenagers need 12-14 hours of sleep per night? That kind of schedule doesn't allow for life, at least not a healthy one.
Further, teachers get paid NOTHING and work like dogs (well the good ones do, anyway), although I'd argue that most teachers aren't great because few really awesome/inspiring people stay in an occupation where they are underpaid and under-appreciated. That's the problem with our school system. You can't extend the school day and school year without at least doubling the teacher's salary.
Lastly, we have the most stressed and depressed kids of any time period in this country. In the last year, 7 kids have committed suicide on the train tracks by my house! This is partially attributed to the pressure of the high school they attend/the community we live in. All these kids are expected to be geniuses and go to Harvard. Not everyone is meant to be academic.
Now if schools were changed to fit a "Multiple Intelligences" model, including excellent art and performing arts, and sports programs (akin to what parents pay for outside of school, since there would be no time for their kids to have it outside) as well as encouraging students to find what they are good at, be that math or car mechanics, fine. The odds of that actually happening are nonexistent.
I'm interested in seeing healthy, social, well-adjusted kids, and I don't feel like extending the school day or year promotes this, with the exception of some cases, such as inner-city kids with little opportunity or family support, but I feel like a specific population can be targeted, vs. the entire public school system.
That said, the public school system needs a complete overhaul.
What do y'all think?
So I posted this article on facebook, and my friend responded with this:
completely agree. our students spend less time in school than they would if they lived in almost any other developed country. then we complain about why they aren't keeping up, blame it on them, and pour money into schools to try to fix it. our school schedules are based on a time when students had to help their parents harvest crops. doesn't really make sense for people who live in New York City, and as of recently the population of the US has shifted from predominantly rural to predominantly urban.
keeping kids in school longer each day and for more days per year would solve the problems that families face when both parents work (or in single-parent households with one worker) and kids have nobody to look after them. and then there won't be a 2-month-long summer that necessitates camps and babysitters and other ways of keeping kids out of trouble. so keep them in school from 7 to 5, with recess so they don't get fat, 45-minute lunches so they can eat and socialize without feeling rushed (also helps with weight control), etc. etc. on top of all of that, they'll learn more and better retain what they've learned. and that's the end of my rant.
Here's my response:
Hmm... It's funny because I completely disagree. What about the kids who have it together (or who's families have it together)? What about extracurriculars? When are kids supposed to develop talents? I had dance, cheerleading or gymnastics rehearsals every day after school until 8 or 9 o'clock by the time I was in middle school. Couldn't have done that if I had school until 5! Also, 7am? Are you joking? Do you know that teenagers need 12-14 hours of sleep per night? That kind of schedule doesn't allow for life, at least not a healthy one.
Further, teachers get paid NOTHING and work like dogs (well the good ones do, anyway), although I'd argue that most teachers aren't great because few really awesome/inspiring people stay in an occupation where they are underpaid and under-appreciated. That's the problem with our school system. You can't extend the school day and school year without at least doubling the teacher's salary.
Lastly, we have the most stressed and depressed kids of any time period in this country. In the last year, 7 kids have committed suicide on the train tracks by my house! This is partially attributed to the pressure of the high school they attend/the community we live in. All these kids are expected to be geniuses and go to Harvard. Not everyone is meant to be academic.
Now if schools were changed to fit a "Multiple Intelligences" model, including excellent art and performing arts, and sports programs (akin to what parents pay for outside of school, since there would be no time for their kids to have it outside) as well as encouraging students to find what they are good at, be that math or car mechanics, fine. The odds of that actually happening are nonexistent.
I'm interested in seeing healthy, social, well-adjusted kids, and I don't feel like extending the school day or year promotes this, with the exception of some cases, such as inner-city kids with little opportunity or family support, but I feel like a specific population can be targeted, vs. the entire public school system.
That said, the public school system needs a complete overhaul.
What do y'all think?
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