amazing

i was just going through some of my school email and read about one of my professors and his activism in the civil rights movement.  it was because of this man that MLK got a grant to start a literacy project for african americans, and he put himself in several life-threatening situations in his work with MLK.  reading about this makes me wonder what i would have been like if i had lived during that time.  because of my a cappella groups, i have a LOT of african-american friends who i love dearly.  but i wonder if i would have been willing to risk my life and the lives of my family members for their rights back in the day.  i wonder if i would have done something great like my professor, or if i would have gone along with the popularity of segregation and blatant horrible racism.  it's not something i could really know.  it just got me to thinking whether i could ever be that brave or do something that worthwhile and meaningful.

You know, stuff...

So today (or well yesterday, since it is 2am... dang it... Why don't I ever sleep?), Bush left office and Obama began to what I can only describe as a frenzy of ecstatic people.  (I don't know whether to be inspired or frightened by people's reactions today.)

I have nothing against Obama.  He seems like a good enough guys, and his kids are darn cute.  I am really happy that America has a black President, finally.  I think, in that sense, I did feel a part of history today, although I didn't follow the inauguration closely, as I was working.

I have to harp on something, though.  I was just reading reports that people jeered at President Bush and started singing "Na na na na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye," as he departed D.C.  I understand that he was an unpopular President (I would like to mention that he was made unpopular, for the most part, by events he had no control over, but that is another blog).  I know that people actually flat out hate Bush.  I don't hate him.  I never have.  I think he is a good guy who followed his father's footsteps, when maybe that wasn't the best path for him.  But overall, I have always liked him, as a person - just as I like President Obama, as a person.  I don't like EITHER of their politics, but again, that is another blog.  Back to what I am harping on...  I don't care how much people dislike a President, I am still appalled and shocked that people could be so cruel and disrespectful.  This is not a football game, people, this is the President of arguably the greatest country in the world.  Am I just old-fashioned that I abide by the niceties of an older time?  I don't think so.  I have, in the last few years, began to notice a rudeness and disrespect that holds prevalent, not only in my generation, but apparently in all age groups.  Frankly, it really upsets me.  Can anyone explain to me how it could ever be okay to be exceedingly disrespectful to an authority figure, when that person is not a crackpot like Hitler or Bin Laden?  I would love for someone to comment on this.

Moving on from that, I wrote the first part of one of my practicum placement essays.  It's all about Exeter, surprise surprise, but I find the more and more I think about who I am and the beliefs I hold, I come back to my experiences there.  I feel incredibly blessed to have gone there and I really hope I can work there one day (after I am married...  Again, that would take another blog to explain.)

And, finally, the cutest thing EVER happened today.  Patrick, the 4th grader in the family I babysit, will be turning 10 this Friday.  Now, he is having a sleepover on Saturday night with his 4 best friends, but Friday, being his actual birthday, is a family dinner and present-opening party.  His mother told him he was allowed to invited one guest of honor to attend the family celebrations.  He asked me to be that person.  I said, "Packman, are you sure you want to invite me?"  He replied, "Yeah, my birthday wouldn't be the same without you.  You are like family."  And that, my friends, is what makes living off raman noodles totally worth it.

Stress

I am not gonna lie, I am a bit stressed.  That might be putting it lightly, actually.  I am insanely stressed.  I was hoping that 2009 would get better, and I mean, it has in some ways, I suppose, but AHH!

I stayed up all night working on practicum applications, and I didn't even get one full one done. My CV is terrible.  I have no research experience. I don't have enough recommenders, and none of them are emailing me back.  And basically whatever I do for practicum determines what my internship will be, and whatever my internship is DETERMINES MY ENTIRE CAREER!  No pressure, right?  Ugh!

Facebook Hacker and New Years Story

Okay, I know only about 3 people read this blog, but in the event that other people come across it, MY FACEBOOK HAS BEEN HACKED! Do not talk to this jerk off pretending to be me and asking for money. I am not in London. I have not been robbed. DO NOT WIRE ANYONE MONEY WHO IS ASKING FOR IT OVER FACEBOOK! UGH! THIS IS SUCH A NIGHTMARE!!!

Now that I have gotten that taken care of, I must share a story about how stupid guys are.

So New Year's Eve, I was out with Tara and various others at this restaurant/bar place in Oakland that was sort of pathetically empty. But we stayed there because a friend was bartending. Well, around 1am this guy came in... Unattractive, clearly intoxicated. He sat down next to me (my feet were in pain, plus the only people on the dance floor were about 60 and the music was not really good for dancing). So basically, he's blatently hitting on me and I'm blatently not interested. After about 20 minutes, the ridiculousness insued:

Joe: Are you a lesbian?
Me: What?! No, do I come off that way?
Joe: No, but I've been hitting on you for half an hour and you aren't responding.
Me: Well, there's a more obvious reason for that than assuming I'm gay.
Joe: Really what's that?
Me: Umm... Sorry, but I'm just not interested.
Joe: In men? I knew it!
Me: NO! I mean, YES I am interested in men! Just not YOU!
Joe: No, that can't be it.
Me: (GASP! SHOCKED LOOK!) Umm, right. Whatever you say. (I excused myself to the bathroom, then proceeded to sit with Tara and Chris such that he would have no possibility of sitting with us.)

Talk about not taking a hint. He couldn't even take it straightforwardly! GEEZ LOUISE!

Why do crazy people find me? Why am I the person whose identity gets stolen and whose facebook gets hacked? I don't want to complain, but I'm just wondering. If someone can just tell me what vibe I send out that makes crazy people flock to me (or try to BE me), please let me know!

Note: The New Year's Eve story has been edited and embellished for length/humor's sake. The majority of it, however, is true. And so goes my crazy life. (This will definitely be in my book, Guys are Idiots).

New Years

So last night I had an epiphany that this new year I would like to try things that are out of my comfort zone. I'm way too cautious. I want to learn to snowboard. I want to go hiking (eek, maybe that will be later in the year). I want to go out more. I want to talk to strangers. I want to do something somewhat reckless... not too reckless, just a little bit. I haven't really figured out the reckless bit, yet. Maybe it's more that I want to be more spontaneous. I think that would be good for me... I'm pretty sure I set similar goals last year... Hmm...

Other goals:
Lose weight (as usual)
Get my dissertation ready to propose by the fall...
Be a better person
Love people more
Be more patient
Practice Piano daily
Start writing lyrics again
Work on my book (Guys are Idiots) - yes, it's going to be FABULOUS

That's all I've got for now. I'm not feeling very reflective at the moment. Perhaps I will amend this post later.

Happy New Year!

It's been a while...

I don't have much to say. I'm down in the dumps and stressed right now, and I don't want to whine on my blog.

In good news, I really love EP. I'm soooo glad I'm back in the group this year. My mom was here and she even said that our group was really amazing - she is hard to please, so I know it must be true.

I'm thinking about going back to school next quarter. This whole time off has pretty much been a waste of time. That's how I feel, anyway. All I wanted to do this year is make a CD, take voice lessons and go to culinary school, but I have no money for any of those things, or time because I have always been working tons of hours just to barely make it. And now my advertising job basically let all us part timers go, so I don't have that income anymore. Soooo... If they will let me come back next quarter and I can get financial aid in time, I might as well just get it done with so in 2012 or 2013 I can actually have a job making enough money to live on (only not really because I will be paying back my loans).

I totally just whined. Sorry, friends. Like I said, I'm down (and I feel like I'm going to end up an old grumpy cat lady).

I should be sleeping, but...

I haven't updated this thing in two weeks, so I'm just gonna list some things I have been thinking about (because I really planned to go to sleep an hour ago)!

1) If I had a dollar for every time one of my friends (or I) said, "I just need to get my life together/figure out my life!" or "What the heck am I doing with my life?" and all the variations of those phrases that you can imagine, well I think I could open up a high yield savings account with all of those dollars and retire in 5 or 10 years!

• While I feel this way all the time - who doesn't want stability and control? - every day I discover more and more that it just doesn't exist. We can all obviously do things to make our lives better and more stable (balance our budget, read, challenge ourselves intellectually/spiritually, be productive at school/jobs, nourish our relationships, etc.), but there is no "getting it together." A friend of mine said the other day that she realized she shouldn't be a relationship because she didn't have her finances in order. I laughed at her, which I think she may have taken offense to, but I just see it as a rationalization for why she does not have a boyfriend or does not need to have a boyfriend (I want it, but I shouldn't because...). It's a way to feel like she is in control. I'm not saying she (or I) shouldn't get her finances together. We all need to do that! My point is, no one is ready for the right person to pop into his/her life. We all want it, we all make excuses for why we don't have it (there are no straight men in SF), we make excuses for why we want to be single (need to get my life together, need to lose weight, etc.), but there are always things we could do better and the right person could come into our lives at any time or never. We have NO control over that.

• With all that said, I do feel like I'm going nowhere. I actually love the "Red Sox Family" that I nanny for, and the ad agency is fine as long as it lasts, but it may only be through October so then I will need another job. I have too much self-awareness to fool myself. I can't just balance my budget and feel in control, if you know what I mean. Plus, I can't seem to balance my budget because I'm not actually making enough money to live on. Whoops... Not sure what will happen when I max out those credit cards. I do kind of feel like I will be ready to go back to school. I think psychology is for me. I just needed a break.

I could ramble about this subject forever. I'll move forward.

2) In the event that I don't meet anyone, will I be happy being a cat lady? I'm not sure. People always say that is a shallow way of looking at life, and that I can be happy through work/volunteering, etc. I kind of don't think so. Sorry. But I think if I get to be 35 and I'm still single, I might just adopt kids.

• On that topic, where DO you meet people? Seriously. (And I'm not moving to Utah.)

3) EP is amazing this year, and I'm so glad to be back in the group! The MinEPeeps are just mind-blowingly good! This has nothing to do with the quarterlife crisis, but it makes me happy so I thought my avid followers (all 1 of you) would like to know.

4) I love cooking. I need to do it more. I cooked for 5 hours today and had SUCH a tasty dinner (with my roommate and her bf... I didn't just cook for 5 hours for myself).

5) I cut my hair 4 inches, got bangs and lowlights. I'm not sure if I like it, but I'm stuck with it for 3 months or so. I thought I needed a change. One of my friends is a big proponent of me putting myself out there and making a lot of changes in order to get over my last love, which ended like 6 months ago. Maybe she's right. I think my trying to change to make myself happy is a denial of reality. Then again, I can't stay miserable forever. That just seems stupid.

Okay, I'm sleepy. More later.