My Calling

Today I had a great day doing therapy with the adolescents I see, as well as my one adult client. There are a lot of days (most days, actually) as a graduate student in training that you really just feel as though you don't know what the heck you are doing! This can be very disheartening at times, especially for someone, like myself, who gets exceptionally invested in her clients. I LOVE the kids I see, and I worry about them, and I worry if I am doing anything at all to help them.

Well, today was one of those days where everything came together. I can't go into details about why due to confidentiality, but let's just say that for every client I saw today, I know that I personally made a difference. I got doubly affirmed when I had dinner with one of my old classmates: She worked in the same site as me last year and actually worked with some of the same kids at the same middle school. This middle school is notoriously hard to navigate and get referrals, and I really am not sure how I have managed it, but I love it and get along swimmingly with the faculty and staff. The kids also really connect with me, which I knew on some level, but my friend couldn't believe how far I had come with some of her old clients and how most of my clients will come up and talk to me during lunch or brunch when anyone can see them talking to me. I knew this was a big deal when it started happening a few months ago, but I didn't realize to what extent until I had this conversation tonight. It was nice to hear from a friend and colleague, who has had the same practicum in the same setting as me say that I have "a gift," and the best part is that I knew she really meant it, and as we discussed it, I felt it was true in my bones. That's definitely one of the top 5 best feelings in the world.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, even though grad school is trying to kill me, my immune system is a total failure, my sleep debt will never be paid off, (and I'm not sure about my money debt either!) and most days are infinitely more frustrating and not this great therapy-wise, I know in the end it will be worth it. To feel that I am literally changing the trajectory of someone's life... multiple peoples lives, actually... And that someone on the outside looking in can see it... That is the best affirmation I could ever have!

Some Thoughts

"If one is to love oneself, one must behave in ways that one can admire." -Irvin Yalom

That's one of my favorite quotes, probably because I believe in the truth of it so whole-heartedly. I see kids who make really unfortunate choices and they can't understand why they are so unhappy - they just are. They THINK they admire the behaviors they engage in, but they don't quite yet comprehend that admirable behaviors are not synonymous with "cool," particularly in adolescence.

I find self-love quite difficult to attain and maintain, perhaps because I live by this quote a little too stringently. I often find myself disappointed with my actions, despite the fact that they aren't objectively bad or problematic. I generally feel that my best is not good enough. Recently, I have been feeling particularly disappointed in myself. For the first time in about 3 years, I made a choice that was not just subjectively, but objectively poor, although most of my friends think I'm being stupid and making a big deal out of something that is not. That brings me back to the Yalom quote. Regardless of what others think, I have to behave in a way that I ADMIRE in order to love myself.

Of course, I encourage my clients to forgive themselves and not dwell on past actions that they are unable to change, and yet I cannot do that myself. Why am I harder on myself than other people?

Okay, I'm rambling. More later... or not. Who knows?

New Decade

I'm not going to lie: New Years kind of bums me out. I think part of it is that I start back to school on Monday, and I know the next two quarters are going to wreak havoc on my personal happiness and suck my soul dry so it's difficult for me to get too excited about 2010.

I went back and read my blogs for 2009, and one good thing that happened sometime between last February and now. Last February I wrote: "...what is the point of being in love with someone for two and half years if it's not meant to be and I'm not even learning anything from it other than that I am completely incapable of getting over him (Which, let's not lie, I should have been by about 6 months ago). It's like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me..." And I'm happy to say that I'm totally over him. I'm not sure exactly when that happened, but thank God it did! Phew, what a terrible time - I am glad that's over.

My new obsession is the TV show Friday Night Lights. Mariah gave me the first season for Christmas, and I've already watched through season 3! It's honestly the best TV show I've ever seen. It makes me think that I might consider applying to internship in Texas. If I was in Austin with Heather and Amy, that could be pretty cool. Buuut, I'm still hoping for East or West coast. Actually, I'm just hoping to GET an internship. AHH!

New Years Resolutions:
Be more organized
Clean more often
Work out at least 4 times a week
Eat healthier and plan meals/snacks
Get a practicum at a college counseling and psych services center
Propose AND defend my dissertation
Be a better person
Find someone to kiss on NYE 2011

Decade Hopes:
All of the above
Graduate in 2012
Become a licensed Psychologist
Have a job that pays well and I enjoy
Buy a home
Get married (read: find a man)
Have a kid or two
Become the type of person I imagine being "when I grow up" (Respectful and respectable, forgiving, open-hearted and loving, giving and responsible)

I'm Aliiiive!

I finished fall quarter classes today. Rumor has it that a particular teacher doesn't actually grade our final papers, and I'm hoping that's the case, or I might be getting a highly unfortunate grade in that class. Regardless, it's over.

I never say this about myself, but I actually feel proud that I made it through this quarter. I started out the quarter strong, I was getting everything done, making A's, doing all my reading, and balancing a HUGE case load of clients. And then BAM, I got H1N1 and pneumonia and everything just stopped. I was totally incapacitated for two weeks. I didn't want to freak anyone out or burden anyone, but I can totally see how people die from it. I passed out on my 3rd or 4th day of being sick, probably from being dehydrated after having 103+ fever for so long. That day and the day afterwards, I really did think I might die. I mean, I wasn't exactly what one would call coherent, but through the haze, I was seriously considering that death was a possible outcome. And it really could have been. If I hadn't passed out on the same day that Katie got home, I wouldn't have gotten help, and the doctor said if I hadn't come in, my lung would have collapsed. Plus, my fever was literally frying my brain. I don't think my normal brain function has returned yet, which makes school a struggle. That being said, I got through. I missed two whole weeks of reading and paper-writing and class! I wouldn't say that I finished strong, but I got done. I might not have A+s, but B's get degrees, right? And I just feel so blessed to have gotten through! I feel blessed that I lived through the illness, muchless that I came back and worked 10x as hard to finish my quarter on time. So yes, I'm proud of myself, and I don't mind saying it!

I'm afraid that I might get sick again because I have seriously not been taking care of myself since my return to school. I went from put-together, getting 6+ hours of sleep Lindsey to totally disheveled, sleeping -4 hours per night. Not only that, but I went from working out and eating fairly healthily, to eating burritos and M&Ms and drinking sodas to stay awake. I'm feeling pretty negatively about how I look right now. I swore that by the time New Year's came around this year, I wouldn't need to make a resolution to get healthy, but it's almost here, and this time I have to do it. I can't feel this bad about myself and expect someone else to love me, and with everyone and their mother getting married these days, I'm really starting to wonder if it will ever happen for me...

Annnd so I'm throwing myself into Twilight stuff. New Moon (the movie) couldn't have come out at a better time. I saw it after I wrote my second to last final and then tonight after my last class of the quarter! I'd like to say that I'm not one of those crazy Twi-hards, but I think I am. I mean, I'm not necessarily crazy, but I get very caught up in stories that I can throw myself completely into. It's similar to how Harry Potter and Dawson's Creek got me through my last 3 heartbreaks. I've read all the books at least 3 times, and New Moon being my favorite, I have read (I think) 5 times. My roommate, being practical and rational, thinks that rereading books is absurd, especially when they are so poorly written and silly. But for me, I learn something about different parts of myself every time I reread any book, not just Twilight. And, I think that maybe I am silly. I'm still that little girl who believes in magic and fairy tales and prince charming and that one true all-encompassing love. It's hard to see any of that in my life, but I have to hope for it because if that doesn't exist, what's the point?

You might be wondering if I am Team Edward or Team Jacob. Well, the first time I read the books, I was Team Edward all the way. I read them as though I were Bella. But the more I read, the more and more I love Jacob. So I will say that I am "Team In-Between." For Bella, there is clearly no one else. The pull to Edward is almost a force outside of herself. Petra doesn't like this because she feels like it's magic and not "real love." I think they love each other, but it's so intense that it's almost exhausting. If I had to pick for myself, it would be Jacob. I want someone who is real and present and just loves me. Bella describes Jacob as the Sun. That's who I want. I want someone who lives in the present and literally gives me sunshine on a rainy day, and to me that's magic and Prince Charming. And I hope he's out there and that when he finds me, I'm deserving of him.

All this being said, I have several new musical obsessions, a few of which I will leave for your enjoyment below:

Coldplay - Fix You (The actual music video can't be embedded, so you get the lyrics version).


Taylor Swift - Love Story (I SWORE I would not get on the Swift bandwagon, but my gosh, I love this song)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wRkoGKQ8qQ

James Morrison - You Make It Real


Kings of Leon - Use Somebody (Below is the cover by Paramore, which I love a lot, too). I'm generally obsessed with Kings of Leon - all of their songs.


Lykke Li - Possibility (I had to end with something New Moon related, obvs. This song breaks my heart.)

Psychological Competency for Trial

Today I bought the new People Magazine with Elizabeth Smart on the cover. I followed this story with more fervor than any other news story before or since. I'm not sure if this was due to my age when it happened (high school) or my religion (Elizabeth is Mormon), but I do remember crying when Elizabeth was found and wondering if she would recover psychologically. I remember thinking that I would have probably rather been killed than go through what I imagined she went through in her 9 months of captivity. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with her story, here is the wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_Smart_kidnapping

Six and a half years after her ordeal, Elizabeth finally got to testify against her captors last week at an evidentiary hearing. The details in People were gruesome, and there was probably much more revealed in her testimony that is not public knowledge. I'm sure there was also more physical and psychological abuse that she will never discuss - I can only imagine how violating it must feel to know everyone can read or hear about the abuse she suffered.

Now on to why I am writing this blog: For 6 years, Elizabeth's kidnappers and abusers have been found mentally incompetent to stand trial. Now that Elizabeth has testified, the Smarts are hoping that the judge will rule that her primary captor and rapist will be forced to stand trial. He was not at the hearing because he refused to stop singing a Hymn and disrupting the court. Ed Smart, Elizabeth's father, believes that the incompetency of this man is a fraud. He wants to stay in a mental hospital rather than stand trial.

My question is: When charges are this grotesque (kidnap, rape of a minor up to four times a day for nine months, starvation, and physical abuse), should mental incompetency even be an option on the table?

I obviously haven't interviewed this man (or his wife) myself, and I have a long way to go before I could ever be considered an expert in this area - and I'm not sure I will ever be considered an expert in THIS particular area - but my inkling is that no psychological disorder would prevent me, as a psychologist, from judging this man competent to stand trial. I mean, he is OBVIOUSLY mentally disturbed and, I think, evil: Anyone who could do the things that this man did cannot be in a fit state of mind - he probably has a host of Axis I and II disorders. But should this prevent justice from being served?

I have no idea what diagnoses this man has been given, but I do know that the average Schizophrenic person, the average mentally retarded person, the average person with any psychiatric condition does NOT kidnap, beat, rape and otherwise brutalize children, or anyone for that matter. My blood is boiling just THINKING that he might continue to live without punishment. A psychiatric hospital is not prison - it's just not.

So what do you - my readers - think? Am I a callously cold psychologist-in-training, or should psychologically ill people be held accountable for their actions when they violate all standards of morality? Is it ETHICAL to Elizabeth to be the psychologist keeping this person from trial? I would really like to hear your take on this because I am appalled that the Smart family has had to endure over six years of waiting for justice and they may continue to wait in vain forever.

Back to school, back to school...

I started back to classes on Monday, after having taken last year off. I have a new cohort and a new outlook.

First, my cohort: They are awesome. Seriously, I didn't know that there could be a group of such amiable doctoral students. People get along and (gasp!) even like each other... and they aren't cliquey! And further, they have been so welcoming to me and even seem to want to be my friend... This is weird for me because I never felt that from my old cohort at all. This is not to say that individually the people in my old cohort aren't great, but the group dynamic was just very stand-offish and cliquey. The experience I have had thus far with my new cohort further confirms that taking a year off was the best decision I have ever made.

Second, my new outlook. Recently, I wrote a post about feeling like an adult. Of course, I still have that procrastination problem, but I feel a tangible difference going to class now as opposed to two years ago. This is possibly due to the fact that I am rested and feel a renewed confidence in my abilities both as a student and as a therapist, but I also just feel like - at least in this area of my life - I have things put together, I'm focused, I'm happy - and this makes me feel like an adult. Again, I will continue to update you on this whole progression into adulthood. I am unsure that it will last. It seems like things should start to fall apart soon or something. What I mean to say is that it seems like I might be straddling some invisible line, and I'm afraid I will slip into my old habits (not getting enough sleep, feeling unmotivated to do schoolwork, feeling like a terrible therapist, etc.). But for now, things are good, and I feel generally happy about this part of my life.

So much to say, no words to say it

I just sat here for the last 17 minutes trying to decide how to start this post. Apparently, my title is more accurate than even I realized. I wish that my emotions and racing thoughts would collide to produce coherent writing...

I'm pretty sure it has now been about half an hour.

Okay, I'm just going to write. Here goes.

My Uncle George's funeral is tomorrow. Let me clarify, George is technically my cousin through marriage, but I've always thought of him as an uncle because I grew up with his kids. I feel guilty for not going to the funeral, but I feel like it's too late to say, "Goodbye," or "I always thought you were the kindest relative on my dad's side," or "Your faith in Jesus was never was never obnoxious or overstated, but inspiring and believable," or, "I'm sorry that I can write pages and pages about Michael Jackson's death, but only these few short phrases for you."

I went wedding dress shopping with Petra today. You would think something involving new beginnings, like weddings, would be uplifting, especially when I have funerals on the brain. Don't get me wrong - the day was special. Seeing Petra light up when she found the dress was special. Of course, now she is having second thoughts, but that is just Petra. She was happy and glowing and beautiful. But it was hard for me to be in the wedding dress shops. It made me wonder what I am doing wrong. Am I being punished by God for not being good enough? But then, Petra doesn't even believe in God and she found Bill. And make no mistake - I am happy for Petra and ALL of my friends who are engaged. This is not a jealousy issue, although mentioning it makes it feel like one, doesn't it? But truly, I am happy for my friends. I just wonder if the one thing I have always wanted will ever happen to me. I have felt ready for a relationship for a while now, but nothing is happening. Maybe I need to lose weight (which I'm working on, although some days are better than others).

After the all-day wedding dress shopping, we went to see Julie and Julia, and very appropriately, I came home to my belated birthday present - a 16 Quart Le Creuset stock pot! I will be making delicious chili and stews in that this year. Back to the movie, I cried about seven times during it. I loved the way Julia and her husband's relationship was portrayed. They loved each other so much, and he loved her for exactly who she was, finding her food obsession endearing and charming. They seemed like the oddest couple, but she was able to be happy with herself. Maybe that's my problem. There are a lot of things that I like about myself, but there are probably an equal amount of things I really don't like about myself that I want to change - that I feel I need to change in order for a guy to find me attractive/love me/whatever. Maybe I'm looking for the wrong guy. Maybe I need to find a guy who will love me despite the things that need changing, despite my quirks, and perhaps because of them. Perhaps I need to love myself.

Okay, done.