I'm Aliiiive!

I finished fall quarter classes today. Rumor has it that a particular teacher doesn't actually grade our final papers, and I'm hoping that's the case, or I might be getting a highly unfortunate grade in that class. Regardless, it's over.

I never say this about myself, but I actually feel proud that I made it through this quarter. I started out the quarter strong, I was getting everything done, making A's, doing all my reading, and balancing a HUGE case load of clients. And then BAM, I got H1N1 and pneumonia and everything just stopped. I was totally incapacitated for two weeks. I didn't want to freak anyone out or burden anyone, but I can totally see how people die from it. I passed out on my 3rd or 4th day of being sick, probably from being dehydrated after having 103+ fever for so long. That day and the day afterwards, I really did think I might die. I mean, I wasn't exactly what one would call coherent, but through the haze, I was seriously considering that death was a possible outcome. And it really could have been. If I hadn't passed out on the same day that Katie got home, I wouldn't have gotten help, and the doctor said if I hadn't come in, my lung would have collapsed. Plus, my fever was literally frying my brain. I don't think my normal brain function has returned yet, which makes school a struggle. That being said, I got through. I missed two whole weeks of reading and paper-writing and class! I wouldn't say that I finished strong, but I got done. I might not have A+s, but B's get degrees, right? And I just feel so blessed to have gotten through! I feel blessed that I lived through the illness, muchless that I came back and worked 10x as hard to finish my quarter on time. So yes, I'm proud of myself, and I don't mind saying it!

I'm afraid that I might get sick again because I have seriously not been taking care of myself since my return to school. I went from put-together, getting 6+ hours of sleep Lindsey to totally disheveled, sleeping -4 hours per night. Not only that, but I went from working out and eating fairly healthily, to eating burritos and M&Ms and drinking sodas to stay awake. I'm feeling pretty negatively about how I look right now. I swore that by the time New Year's came around this year, I wouldn't need to make a resolution to get healthy, but it's almost here, and this time I have to do it. I can't feel this bad about myself and expect someone else to love me, and with everyone and their mother getting married these days, I'm really starting to wonder if it will ever happen for me...

Annnd so I'm throwing myself into Twilight stuff. New Moon (the movie) couldn't have come out at a better time. I saw it after I wrote my second to last final and then tonight after my last class of the quarter! I'd like to say that I'm not one of those crazy Twi-hards, but I think I am. I mean, I'm not necessarily crazy, but I get very caught up in stories that I can throw myself completely into. It's similar to how Harry Potter and Dawson's Creek got me through my last 3 heartbreaks. I've read all the books at least 3 times, and New Moon being my favorite, I have read (I think) 5 times. My roommate, being practical and rational, thinks that rereading books is absurd, especially when they are so poorly written and silly. But for me, I learn something about different parts of myself every time I reread any book, not just Twilight. And, I think that maybe I am silly. I'm still that little girl who believes in magic and fairy tales and prince charming and that one true all-encompassing love. It's hard to see any of that in my life, but I have to hope for it because if that doesn't exist, what's the point?

You might be wondering if I am Team Edward or Team Jacob. Well, the first time I read the books, I was Team Edward all the way. I read them as though I were Bella. But the more I read, the more and more I love Jacob. So I will say that I am "Team In-Between." For Bella, there is clearly no one else. The pull to Edward is almost a force outside of herself. Petra doesn't like this because she feels like it's magic and not "real love." I think they love each other, but it's so intense that it's almost exhausting. If I had to pick for myself, it would be Jacob. I want someone who is real and present and just loves me. Bella describes Jacob as the Sun. That's who I want. I want someone who lives in the present and literally gives me sunshine on a rainy day, and to me that's magic and Prince Charming. And I hope he's out there and that when he finds me, I'm deserving of him.

All this being said, I have several new musical obsessions, a few of which I will leave for your enjoyment below:

Coldplay - Fix You (The actual music video can't be embedded, so you get the lyrics version).


Taylor Swift - Love Story (I SWORE I would not get on the Swift bandwagon, but my gosh, I love this song)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wRkoGKQ8qQ

James Morrison - You Make It Real


Kings of Leon - Use Somebody (Below is the cover by Paramore, which I love a lot, too). I'm generally obsessed with Kings of Leon - all of their songs.


Lykke Li - Possibility (I had to end with something New Moon related, obvs. This song breaks my heart.)

Psychological Competency for Trial

Today I bought the new People Magazine with Elizabeth Smart on the cover. I followed this story with more fervor than any other news story before or since. I'm not sure if this was due to my age when it happened (high school) or my religion (Elizabeth is Mormon), but I do remember crying when Elizabeth was found and wondering if she would recover psychologically. I remember thinking that I would have probably rather been killed than go through what I imagined she went through in her 9 months of captivity. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with her story, here is the wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_Smart_kidnapping

Six and a half years after her ordeal, Elizabeth finally got to testify against her captors last week at an evidentiary hearing. The details in People were gruesome, and there was probably much more revealed in her testimony that is not public knowledge. I'm sure there was also more physical and psychological abuse that she will never discuss - I can only imagine how violating it must feel to know everyone can read or hear about the abuse she suffered.

Now on to why I am writing this blog: For 6 years, Elizabeth's kidnappers and abusers have been found mentally incompetent to stand trial. Now that Elizabeth has testified, the Smarts are hoping that the judge will rule that her primary captor and rapist will be forced to stand trial. He was not at the hearing because he refused to stop singing a Hymn and disrupting the court. Ed Smart, Elizabeth's father, believes that the incompetency of this man is a fraud. He wants to stay in a mental hospital rather than stand trial.

My question is: When charges are this grotesque (kidnap, rape of a minor up to four times a day for nine months, starvation, and physical abuse), should mental incompetency even be an option on the table?

I obviously haven't interviewed this man (or his wife) myself, and I have a long way to go before I could ever be considered an expert in this area - and I'm not sure I will ever be considered an expert in THIS particular area - but my inkling is that no psychological disorder would prevent me, as a psychologist, from judging this man competent to stand trial. I mean, he is OBVIOUSLY mentally disturbed and, I think, evil: Anyone who could do the things that this man did cannot be in a fit state of mind - he probably has a host of Axis I and II disorders. But should this prevent justice from being served?

I have no idea what diagnoses this man has been given, but I do know that the average Schizophrenic person, the average mentally retarded person, the average person with any psychiatric condition does NOT kidnap, beat, rape and otherwise brutalize children, or anyone for that matter. My blood is boiling just THINKING that he might continue to live without punishment. A psychiatric hospital is not prison - it's just not.

So what do you - my readers - think? Am I a callously cold psychologist-in-training, or should psychologically ill people be held accountable for their actions when they violate all standards of morality? Is it ETHICAL to Elizabeth to be the psychologist keeping this person from trial? I would really like to hear your take on this because I am appalled that the Smart family has had to endure over six years of waiting for justice and they may continue to wait in vain forever.

Back to school, back to school...

I started back to classes on Monday, after having taken last year off. I have a new cohort and a new outlook.

First, my cohort: They are awesome. Seriously, I didn't know that there could be a group of such amiable doctoral students. People get along and (gasp!) even like each other... and they aren't cliquey! And further, they have been so welcoming to me and even seem to want to be my friend... This is weird for me because I never felt that from my old cohort at all. This is not to say that individually the people in my old cohort aren't great, but the group dynamic was just very stand-offish and cliquey. The experience I have had thus far with my new cohort further confirms that taking a year off was the best decision I have ever made.

Second, my new outlook. Recently, I wrote a post about feeling like an adult. Of course, I still have that procrastination problem, but I feel a tangible difference going to class now as opposed to two years ago. This is possibly due to the fact that I am rested and feel a renewed confidence in my abilities both as a student and as a therapist, but I also just feel like - at least in this area of my life - I have things put together, I'm focused, I'm happy - and this makes me feel like an adult. Again, I will continue to update you on this whole progression into adulthood. I am unsure that it will last. It seems like things should start to fall apart soon or something. What I mean to say is that it seems like I might be straddling some invisible line, and I'm afraid I will slip into my old habits (not getting enough sleep, feeling unmotivated to do schoolwork, feeling like a terrible therapist, etc.). But for now, things are good, and I feel generally happy about this part of my life.

So much to say, no words to say it

I just sat here for the last 17 minutes trying to decide how to start this post. Apparently, my title is more accurate than even I realized. I wish that my emotions and racing thoughts would collide to produce coherent writing...

I'm pretty sure it has now been about half an hour.

Okay, I'm just going to write. Here goes.

My Uncle George's funeral is tomorrow. Let me clarify, George is technically my cousin through marriage, but I've always thought of him as an uncle because I grew up with his kids. I feel guilty for not going to the funeral, but I feel like it's too late to say, "Goodbye," or "I always thought you were the kindest relative on my dad's side," or "Your faith in Jesus was never was never obnoxious or overstated, but inspiring and believable," or, "I'm sorry that I can write pages and pages about Michael Jackson's death, but only these few short phrases for you."

I went wedding dress shopping with Petra today. You would think something involving new beginnings, like weddings, would be uplifting, especially when I have funerals on the brain. Don't get me wrong - the day was special. Seeing Petra light up when she found the dress was special. Of course, now she is having second thoughts, but that is just Petra. She was happy and glowing and beautiful. But it was hard for me to be in the wedding dress shops. It made me wonder what I am doing wrong. Am I being punished by God for not being good enough? But then, Petra doesn't even believe in God and she found Bill. And make no mistake - I am happy for Petra and ALL of my friends who are engaged. This is not a jealousy issue, although mentioning it makes it feel like one, doesn't it? But truly, I am happy for my friends. I just wonder if the one thing I have always wanted will ever happen to me. I have felt ready for a relationship for a while now, but nothing is happening. Maybe I need to lose weight (which I'm working on, although some days are better than others).

After the all-day wedding dress shopping, we went to see Julie and Julia, and very appropriately, I came home to my belated birthday present - a 16 Quart Le Creuset stock pot! I will be making delicious chili and stews in that this year. Back to the movie, I cried about seven times during it. I loved the way Julia and her husband's relationship was portrayed. They loved each other so much, and he loved her for exactly who she was, finding her food obsession endearing and charming. They seemed like the oddest couple, but she was able to be happy with herself. Maybe that's my problem. There are a lot of things that I like about myself, but there are probably an equal amount of things I really don't like about myself that I want to change - that I feel I need to change in order for a guy to find me attractive/love me/whatever. Maybe I'm looking for the wrong guy. Maybe I need to find a guy who will love me despite the things that need changing, despite my quirks, and perhaps because of them. Perhaps I need to love myself.

Okay, done.

Personality Assessment

According to the Myers Briggs, I fit the Idealist Counselor. See Description:

Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)
Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).


What do y'all think? I know I have taken this before and gotten the same result, and I think it's overall pretty accurate. I would say that I disagree with the "mysterious" and "highly private" part. I mean, there are certain things that I am more private about that most people might be, but I don't think that I'm particularly hard to know or get to know. Have I ever had a side emerge that surprised any of you? (Maybe that's coming later in life).

I definitely agree with the part about not being a natural leader. I struggled my whole life thinking that it was such a good thing to be a leader, but that's just not where I fit. I do, however, work well if the leadership is a group effort.

I'm wondering, though, if this is how I see myself, thus this is how I portray myself on these sorts of tests, or if others see me this way, as well. ... ???

Oh, if you want to check your own: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

26

I feel like an adult.

Yes, I realize that I probably should have been feeling this way for the last 8 years or so, if we're going strictly by age and law, but it's only recently that I have really felt like an adult.

A few nights ago, I was talking to a friend who was telling me about his dating drama and the partying that goes on in his life. I found myself getting annoyed that he is still doing the things he was talking about because it just seems so much like college life. And it hit me: I am over college life. I think it was harder for me to move on from it because I went straight into graduate school and my expectations were for it to be like college, and it wasn't. So, I joined an a cappella group, and I continued living my college-esque life. Of course, my college life is not akin to many - I never REALLY partied - but I stayed up all hours of the night, I procrastinated, I fell in love with and got my heart broken by cool, good-looking jackasses.

I was unhappy and totally burnt out in school, so I took this year off. I sang with my a cappella group, but increasingly became more annoyed by the lack of organization and planning and the general maturity level of those involved. My job involves playing with kids - not something that really makes one feel grown up. I mean, I go to work in Red Sox Ts, no make-up and my hair in a ponytail, and I play baseball, paint, and watch Little Einsteins. But something about being out of school, stepping back, getting perspective, caring for children and maybe just getting older has made me feel like a (somewhat) responsible adult.

I think as I embark upon this new school year with a new cohort and a new outlook, I might take it in as an adult, rather than as a kid longing for my college days. I think that perhaps that's where all of my frustration and sadness was coming from. I was in an adult's world, surrounded by adults (ones who were older than myself) pretending to be someone that I just wasn't yet, but now I'm there. Now I'm ready.

In my defense, there are studies that say the part of the brain that organizes, prioritizes (i.e., keeps a person from procrastinating), and plans isn't totally developed until 25-26, so maybe my brain just needed to catch up and get with the program. :) This also explains why people who do drugs and drink heavily in college never develop the ability to fully see the consequences of their actions and/or have impulse control or organizational difficulties.

I'll update on whether I still feel like an adult once I'm back in classes, but I am optimistic that I will. Just my saying that word - optimistic - shows how much I have changed. A year ago, I would have said, "I'm afraid I'm becoming an adult." Of course, I'm not giving up my incessant dreaming or my pink kitchen/bedroom. I'll just have to be an adult with a love affair for all things pink, Disney, or related to classic/fairy-tale love stories, which I still completely believe in. :)

Update

So today was my last "Teen Talk" group at the clinic. I don't know if I helped the kids or not. I hope I did. I hope they do well. I don't think six weeks is long enough for a group to be super effective. I'm not at liberty to say any of the other things I'd like to say here, so moving on...

I feel like the biggest bum ever. I slept until 10 this morning, and once my group was over (at 3), I came hope and slept again until 7:30. Who does that? I am sick (again!), so I guess my body is just trying to get better, but now I feel gross from sickness and gross from laziness. Speaking of which, is the saying "Feed a cold, starve a fever?" I'm hoping it's feed a cold, because that's what I've been doing. I find it really hard to follow a strict diet when I'm sick and I want to eat comfort foods. Obviously, I need to work on my will power.

I had an awkward moment with my supervisor the other day. He made a comment about going to a town-hall style meeting with "the other side - you know, the people against Obama's health care, and man they are nuts." I just didn't say anything because it wasn't pertinent to my supervision, and I don't want him to think badly of me, but I find it really annoying and unfortunate that I would be worried about someone thinking badly of me because I'm not on board with Obama's socialism. Of course, then people at home (in Texas) think I am too liberal. In reality, I am just a constitutionalist. I like to think that my political beliefs are based in logic, and I wish more Americans would use some logic when forming their opinions. However, I have the ability to appreciate a person's worth/intelligence despite how I may feel about their political beliefs, and I wish more people extended that sort of acceptance to others. While I'm talking politics, I'm going to take this opportunity to post this special that i really wish everyone would watch: http://www.writeonnevada.com/2009/04/mr-stossel-goes-to-washington.html

I really hope I start feeling better, as I have a lot planned for this weekend. Tomorrow night, I'm (hopefully) going to see Julie and Julia with Shane and his gf - yay third wheel... :/ But it's my belated birthday celebration since Shane and I both love cooking/baking so much. And then on Saturday (again, if I'm better), Mariah is coming down, and I'm going to teach her how to make my chocolate chip cookies because hers aren't turning out like mine despite using the same recipe. We are also going to get Sprinkles since Mariah has never had the gloriousness. (This will clearly be a great day to test my will power). After that we are going to see 500 Days of Summer, which I am also really excited about. My immune system needs to kick it into high gear.

Okay, this blog entry has multiple personalities so I will stop.