Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Back to school, back to school...
I started back to classes on Monday, after having taken last year off. I have a new cohort and a new outlook.
First, my cohort: They are awesome. Seriously, I didn't know that there could be a group of such amiable doctoral students. People get along and (gasp!) even like each other... and they aren't cliquey! And further, they have been so welcoming to me and even seem to want to be my friend... This is weird for me because I never felt that from my old cohort at all. This is not to say that individually the people in my old cohort aren't great, but the group dynamic was just very stand-offish and cliquey. The experience I have had thus far with my new cohort further confirms that taking a year off was the best decision I have ever made.
Second, my new outlook. Recently, I wrote a post about feeling like an adult. Of course, I still have that procrastination problem, but I feel a tangible difference going to class now as opposed to two years ago. This is possibly due to the fact that I am rested and feel a renewed confidence in my abilities both as a student and as a therapist, but I also just feel like - at least in this area of my life - I have things put together, I'm focused, I'm happy - and this makes me feel like an adult. Again, I will continue to update you on this whole progression into adulthood. I am unsure that it will last. It seems like things should start to fall apart soon or something. What I mean to say is that it seems like I might be straddling some invisible line, and I'm afraid I will slip into my old habits (not getting enough sleep, feeling unmotivated to do schoolwork, feeling like a terrible therapist, etc.). But for now, things are good, and I feel generally happy about this part of my life.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
So much to say, no words to say it
I just sat here for the last 17 minutes trying to decide how to start this post. Apparently, my title is more accurate than even I realized. I wish that my emotions and racing thoughts would collide to produce coherent writing...
I'm pretty sure it has now been about half an hour.
Okay, I'm just going to write. Here goes.
My Uncle George's funeral is tomorrow. Let me clarify, George is technically my cousin through marriage, but I've always thought of him as an uncle because I grew up with his kids. I feel guilty for not going to the funeral, but I feel like it's too late to say, "Goodbye," or "I always thought you were the kindest relative on my dad's side," or "Your faith in Jesus was never was never obnoxious or overstated, but inspiring and believable," or, "I'm sorry that I can write pages and pages about Michael Jackson's death, but only these few short phrases for you."
I went wedding dress shopping with Petra today. You would think something involving new beginnings, like weddings, would be uplifting, especially when I have funerals on the brain. Don't get me wrong - the day was special. Seeing Petra light up when she found the dress was special. Of course, now she is having second thoughts, but that is just Petra. She was happy and glowing and beautiful. But it was hard for me to be in the wedding dress shops. It made me wonder what I am doing wrong. Am I being punished by God for not being good enough? But then, Petra doesn't even believe in God and she found Bill. And make no mistake - I am happy for Petra and ALL of my friends who are engaged. This is not a jealousy issue, although mentioning it makes it feel like one, doesn't it? But truly, I am happy for my friends. I just wonder if the one thing I have always wanted will ever happen to me. I have felt ready for a relationship for a while now, but nothing is happening. Maybe I need to lose weight (which I'm working on, although some days are better than others).
After the all-day wedding dress shopping, we went to see Julie and Julia, and very appropriately, I came home to my belated birthday present - a 16 Quart Le Creuset stock pot! I will be making delicious chili and stews in that this year. Back to the movie, I cried about seven times during it. I loved the way Julia and her husband's relationship was portrayed. They loved each other so much, and he loved her for exactly who she was, finding her food obsession endearing and charming. They seemed like the oddest couple, but she was able to be happy with herself. Maybe that's my problem. There are a lot of things that I like about myself, but there are probably an equal amount of things I really don't like about myself that I want to change - that I feel I need to change in order for a guy to find me attractive/love me/whatever. Maybe I'm looking for the wrong guy. Maybe I need to find a guy who will love me despite the things that need changing, despite my quirks, and perhaps because of them. Perhaps I need to love myself.
Okay, done.
I'm pretty sure it has now been about half an hour.
Okay, I'm just going to write. Here goes.
My Uncle George's funeral is tomorrow. Let me clarify, George is technically my cousin through marriage, but I've always thought of him as an uncle because I grew up with his kids. I feel guilty for not going to the funeral, but I feel like it's too late to say, "Goodbye," or "I always thought you were the kindest relative on my dad's side," or "Your faith in Jesus was never was never obnoxious or overstated, but inspiring and believable," or, "I'm sorry that I can write pages and pages about Michael Jackson's death, but only these few short phrases for you."
I went wedding dress shopping with Petra today. You would think something involving new beginnings, like weddings, would be uplifting, especially when I have funerals on the brain. Don't get me wrong - the day was special. Seeing Petra light up when she found the dress was special. Of course, now she is having second thoughts, but that is just Petra. She was happy and glowing and beautiful. But it was hard for me to be in the wedding dress shops. It made me wonder what I am doing wrong. Am I being punished by God for not being good enough? But then, Petra doesn't even believe in God and she found Bill. And make no mistake - I am happy for Petra and ALL of my friends who are engaged. This is not a jealousy issue, although mentioning it makes it feel like one, doesn't it? But truly, I am happy for my friends. I just wonder if the one thing I have always wanted will ever happen to me. I have felt ready for a relationship for a while now, but nothing is happening. Maybe I need to lose weight (which I'm working on, although some days are better than others).
After the all-day wedding dress shopping, we went to see Julie and Julia, and very appropriately, I came home to my belated birthday present - a 16 Quart Le Creuset stock pot! I will be making delicious chili and stews in that this year. Back to the movie, I cried about seven times during it. I loved the way Julia and her husband's relationship was portrayed. They loved each other so much, and he loved her for exactly who she was, finding her food obsession endearing and charming. They seemed like the oddest couple, but she was able to be happy with herself. Maybe that's my problem. There are a lot of things that I like about myself, but there are probably an equal amount of things I really don't like about myself that I want to change - that I feel I need to change in order for a guy to find me attractive/love me/whatever. Maybe I'm looking for the wrong guy. Maybe I need to find a guy who will love me despite the things that need changing, despite my quirks, and perhaps because of them. Perhaps I need to love myself.
Okay, done.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Personality Assessment
According to the Myers Briggs, I fit the Idealist Counselor. See Description:
Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)
Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.
Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.
Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.
Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.
Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).
What do y'all think? I know I have taken this before and gotten the same result, and I think it's overall pretty accurate. I would say that I disagree with the "mysterious" and "highly private" part. I mean, there are certain things that I am more private about that most people might be, but I don't think that I'm particularly hard to know or get to know. Have I ever had a side emerge that surprised any of you? (Maybe that's coming later in life).
I definitely agree with the part about not being a natural leader. I struggled my whole life thinking that it was such a good thing to be a leader, but that's just not where I fit. I do, however, work well if the leadership is a group effort.
I'm wondering, though, if this is how I see myself, thus this is how I portray myself on these sorts of tests, or if others see me this way, as well. ... ???
Oh, if you want to check your own: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)
Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.
Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.
Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.
Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.
Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).
What do y'all think? I know I have taken this before and gotten the same result, and I think it's overall pretty accurate. I would say that I disagree with the "mysterious" and "highly private" part. I mean, there are certain things that I am more private about that most people might be, but I don't think that I'm particularly hard to know or get to know. Have I ever had a side emerge that surprised any of you? (Maybe that's coming later in life).
I definitely agree with the part about not being a natural leader. I struggled my whole life thinking that it was such a good thing to be a leader, but that's just not where I fit. I do, however, work well if the leadership is a group effort.
I'm wondering, though, if this is how I see myself, thus this is how I portray myself on these sorts of tests, or if others see me this way, as well. ... ???
Oh, if you want to check your own: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Monday, August 17, 2009
26
I feel like an adult.
Yes, I realize that I probably should have been feeling this way for the last 8 years or so, if we're going strictly by age and law, but it's only recently that I have really felt like an adult.
A few nights ago, I was talking to a friend who was telling me about his dating drama and the partying that goes on in his life. I found myself getting annoyed that he is still doing the things he was talking about because it just seems so much like college life. And it hit me: I am over college life. I think it was harder for me to move on from it because I went straight into graduate school and my expectations were for it to be like college, and it wasn't. So, I joined an a cappella group, and I continued living my college-esque life. Of course, my college life is not akin to many - I never REALLY partied - but I stayed up all hours of the night, I procrastinated, I fell in love with and got my heart broken by cool, good-looking jackasses.
I was unhappy and totally burnt out in school, so I took this year off. I sang with my a cappella group, but increasingly became more annoyed by the lack of organization and planning and the general maturity level of those involved. My job involves playing with kids - not something that really makes one feel grown up. I mean, I go to work in Red Sox Ts, no make-up and my hair in a ponytail, and I play baseball, paint, and watch Little Einsteins. But something about being out of school, stepping back, getting perspective, caring for children and maybe just getting older has made me feel like a (somewhat) responsible adult.
I think as I embark upon this new school year with a new cohort and a new outlook, I might take it in as an adult, rather than as a kid longing for my college days. I think that perhaps that's where all of my frustration and sadness was coming from. I was in an adult's world, surrounded by adults (ones who were older than myself) pretending to be someone that I just wasn't yet, but now I'm there. Now I'm ready.
In my defense, there are studies that say the part of the brain that organizes, prioritizes (i.e., keeps a person from procrastinating), and plans isn't totally developed until 25-26, so maybe my brain just needed to catch up and get with the program. :) This also explains why people who do drugs and drink heavily in college never develop the ability to fully see the consequences of their actions and/or have impulse control or organizational difficulties.
I'll update on whether I still feel like an adult once I'm back in classes, but I am optimistic that I will. Just my saying that word - optimistic - shows how much I have changed. A year ago, I would have said, "I'm afraid I'm becoming an adult." Of course, I'm not giving up my incessant dreaming or my pink kitchen/bedroom. I'll just have to be an adult with a love affair for all things pink, Disney, or related to classic/fairy-tale love stories, which I still completely believe in. :)
Yes, I realize that I probably should have been feeling this way for the last 8 years or so, if we're going strictly by age and law, but it's only recently that I have really felt like an adult.
A few nights ago, I was talking to a friend who was telling me about his dating drama and the partying that goes on in his life. I found myself getting annoyed that he is still doing the things he was talking about because it just seems so much like college life. And it hit me: I am over college life. I think it was harder for me to move on from it because I went straight into graduate school and my expectations were for it to be like college, and it wasn't. So, I joined an a cappella group, and I continued living my college-esque life. Of course, my college life is not akin to many - I never REALLY partied - but I stayed up all hours of the night, I procrastinated, I fell in love with and got my heart broken by cool, good-looking jackasses.
I was unhappy and totally burnt out in school, so I took this year off. I sang with my a cappella group, but increasingly became more annoyed by the lack of organization and planning and the general maturity level of those involved. My job involves playing with kids - not something that really makes one feel grown up. I mean, I go to work in Red Sox Ts, no make-up and my hair in a ponytail, and I play baseball, paint, and watch Little Einsteins. But something about being out of school, stepping back, getting perspective, caring for children and maybe just getting older has made me feel like a (somewhat) responsible adult.
I think as I embark upon this new school year with a new cohort and a new outlook, I might take it in as an adult, rather than as a kid longing for my college days. I think that perhaps that's where all of my frustration and sadness was coming from. I was in an adult's world, surrounded by adults (ones who were older than myself) pretending to be someone that I just wasn't yet, but now I'm there. Now I'm ready.
In my defense, there are studies that say the part of the brain that organizes, prioritizes (i.e., keeps a person from procrastinating), and plans isn't totally developed until 25-26, so maybe my brain just needed to catch up and get with the program. :) This also explains why people who do drugs and drink heavily in college never develop the ability to fully see the consequences of their actions and/or have impulse control or organizational difficulties.
I'll update on whether I still feel like an adult once I'm back in classes, but I am optimistic that I will. Just my saying that word - optimistic - shows how much I have changed. A year ago, I would have said, "I'm afraid I'm becoming an adult." Of course, I'm not giving up my incessant dreaming or my pink kitchen/bedroom. I'll just have to be an adult with a love affair for all things pink, Disney, or related to classic/fairy-tale love stories, which I still completely believe in. :)
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Update
So today was my last "Teen Talk" group at the clinic. I don't know if I helped the kids or not. I hope I did. I hope they do well. I don't think six weeks is long enough for a group to be super effective. I'm not at liberty to say any of the other things I'd like to say here, so moving on...
I feel like the biggest bum ever. I slept until 10 this morning, and once my group was over (at 3), I came hope and slept again until 7:30. Who does that? I am sick (again!), so I guess my body is just trying to get better, but now I feel gross from sickness and gross from laziness. Speaking of which, is the saying "Feed a cold, starve a fever?" I'm hoping it's feed a cold, because that's what I've been doing. I find it really hard to follow a strict diet when I'm sick and I want to eat comfort foods. Obviously, I need to work on my will power.
I had an awkward moment with my supervisor the other day. He made a comment about going to a town-hall style meeting with "the other side - you know, the people against Obama's health care, and man they are nuts." I just didn't say anything because it wasn't pertinent to my supervision, and I don't want him to think badly of me, but I find it really annoying and unfortunate that I would be worried about someone thinking badly of me because I'm not on board with Obama's socialism. Of course, then people at home (in Texas) think I am too liberal. In reality, I am just a constitutionalist. I like to think that my political beliefs are based in logic, and I wish more Americans would use some logic when forming their opinions. However, I have the ability to appreciate a person's worth/intelligence despite how I may feel about their political beliefs, and I wish more people extended that sort of acceptance to others. While I'm talking politics, I'm going to take this opportunity to post this special that i really wish everyone would watch: http://www.writeonnevada.com/2009/04/mr-stossel-goes-to-washington.html
I really hope I start feeling better, as I have a lot planned for this weekend. Tomorrow night, I'm (hopefully) going to see Julie and Julia with Shane and his gf - yay third wheel... :/ But it's my belated birthday celebration since Shane and I both love cooking/baking so much. And then on Saturday (again, if I'm better), Mariah is coming down, and I'm going to teach her how to make my chocolate chip cookies because hers aren't turning out like mine despite using the same recipe. We are also going to get Sprinkles since Mariah has never had the gloriousness. (This will clearly be a great day to test my will power). After that we are going to see 500 Days of Summer, which I am also really excited about. My immune system needs to kick it into high gear.
Okay, this blog entry has multiple personalities so I will stop.
I feel like the biggest bum ever. I slept until 10 this morning, and once my group was over (at 3), I came hope and slept again until 7:30. Who does that? I am sick (again!), so I guess my body is just trying to get better, but now I feel gross from sickness and gross from laziness. Speaking of which, is the saying "Feed a cold, starve a fever?" I'm hoping it's feed a cold, because that's what I've been doing. I find it really hard to follow a strict diet when I'm sick and I want to eat comfort foods. Obviously, I need to work on my will power.
I had an awkward moment with my supervisor the other day. He made a comment about going to a town-hall style meeting with "the other side - you know, the people against Obama's health care, and man they are nuts." I just didn't say anything because it wasn't pertinent to my supervision, and I don't want him to think badly of me, but I find it really annoying and unfortunate that I would be worried about someone thinking badly of me because I'm not on board with Obama's socialism. Of course, then people at home (in Texas) think I am too liberal. In reality, I am just a constitutionalist. I like to think that my political beliefs are based in logic, and I wish more Americans would use some logic when forming their opinions. However, I have the ability to appreciate a person's worth/intelligence despite how I may feel about their political beliefs, and I wish more people extended that sort of acceptance to others. While I'm talking politics, I'm going to take this opportunity to post this special that i really wish everyone would watch: http://www.writeonnevada.com/2009/04/mr-stossel-goes-to-washington.html
I really hope I start feeling better, as I have a lot planned for this weekend. Tomorrow night, I'm (hopefully) going to see Julie and Julia with Shane and his gf - yay third wheel... :/ But it's my belated birthday celebration since Shane and I both love cooking/baking so much. And then on Saturday (again, if I'm better), Mariah is coming down, and I'm going to teach her how to make my chocolate chip cookies because hers aren't turning out like mine despite using the same recipe. We are also going to get Sprinkles since Mariah has never had the gloriousness. (This will clearly be a great day to test my will power). After that we are going to see 500 Days of Summer, which I am also really excited about. My immune system needs to kick it into high gear.
Okay, this blog entry has multiple personalities so I will stop.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
a very obvious epiphany
If you all didn't know, I have started back to practicum for Community Health Awareness Council (CHAC) www.chacmv.org
I've been running these "Teen Talk" groups for middle school girls. Today we were talking about what makes a good friend and why it's important to stay away from 'false friends' and develop relationships with 'true friends.'
This little girl says to me, "a true friend is someone who respects you and someone who values you. They don't take advantage of you, and they make your life better, not worse."
The great thing about kids is that they speak the truth so plainly and see it without all the complications.
Anyway, a situation arose today where I was upset about what some "friends" had done, and I realized that these people are 'false friends' - they detract from my happiness, don't respect me or my time or ideas, and they certainly don't value what I have to offer.
So from now on, I'm going to take a cue from my therapist self and act on what I counsel others to do. I'm going to only surround myself with people who respect and value me and if they don't improve my life, they at least won't detract from my happiness. I think I try to treat all of my friends this way, but I also plan to be more cognizant of being a 'true friend' to everyone. Mostly, I want to make sure I am always contributing to people's happiness rather than detracting from it. That means I have 2 things I know for a fact I need to work on - I need to complain less and I need to gossip less.
The goal is to create a bubble of positivity around me and allow that to rub off on others.
I've been running these "Teen Talk" groups for middle school girls. Today we were talking about what makes a good friend and why it's important to stay away from 'false friends' and develop relationships with 'true friends.'
This little girl says to me, "a true friend is someone who respects you and someone who values you. They don't take advantage of you, and they make your life better, not worse."
The great thing about kids is that they speak the truth so plainly and see it without all the complications.
Anyway, a situation arose today where I was upset about what some "friends" had done, and I realized that these people are 'false friends' - they detract from my happiness, don't respect me or my time or ideas, and they certainly don't value what I have to offer.
So from now on, I'm going to take a cue from my therapist self and act on what I counsel others to do. I'm going to only surround myself with people who respect and value me and if they don't improve my life, they at least won't detract from my happiness. I think I try to treat all of my friends this way, but I also plan to be more cognizant of being a 'true friend' to everyone. Mostly, I want to make sure I am always contributing to people's happiness rather than detracting from it. That means I have 2 things I know for a fact I need to work on - I need to complain less and I need to gossip less.
The goal is to create a bubble of positivity around me and allow that to rub off on others.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Michael Jackson
I have been planning for several days now to write something about Michael Jackson. I am now glad that I waited until the memorial service. I only got to watch pieces as it happened because of work, and I have watched clips online since I got home. Now, there are various shows on about the Jacksons, which I will undoubtedly will flip through until I fall asleep tonight. Needless to say, I have been a sobbing mess all day.
Michael Jackson's music has been in my life's soundtrack since the very beginning. He is without a doubt the artist with the MOST songs in that soundtrack. He is an artist that I danced to. I remember dancing to Rockin' Robin at a very young age - it was on one of my Kids Songs videos. I also remember my brothers trying to teach me the moon walk and being so frustrated that I couldn't do it. Then I saw Michael Jackson do it and I went back and told them that THEY weren't doing it right either! We all worked on it for a while and gave up when we realized it was impossible, except for Michael Jackson. When Free Willy came out, I went to see it for my birthday. I would go in my room and dance to "Will You Be There." This was when I was first starting lyrical dancing. When I taught cheerleading camp, I choreographed a cheer dance to "Dancin' Machine." In my junior year of high school, I danced to both "The Way You Make Me Feel" and I choreographed a number to "Scream." At the time, I remember thinking how different those two songs were and how I related so much to both - the dichotomy of having the best time of of my life and also feeling so much pressure to just make it through Exeter alive with the scrutiny of my family and peers and those from home thinking that I was insane for leaving. I wanted to, most of all, prove to myself that I was smart, strong, capable - worthwhile - although, at the time I think I thought the majority of the pressure was coming from the outside. I did scream sometimes, and I remember listening to that song and thinking, "They (Michael and Janet) get it! They understand."
And that is the power of music.
I can't say that it was solely because of MIchael Jackson that I sing or write songs or still dream of being a recording artist. I can say that the WAY I sing is most certainly influenced by him. My mom LOVED The Jackson 5 almost as much as she loved The Supremes. I spent a lot of time in the car with my mom growing up - driving to Tyler or Dallas to go on our epic shopping trips or just to Gilmer 3 or 4 times a week for dance and to see family. This is where my singing career began - in the car - listening to the Motown greats. I really liked Diana and Aretha and Gladys and Stevie and yes, absolutely they have influenced me, but I LOVED The Jackson 5. When Mariah Carey (who I idolized) came out with the remake of I'll Be There, I sang along to it of course, but I would always contend to my friends, who didn't know the original, that Michael Jackson was better. This was the music I sang as a child. When I was in 5th or 6th grade, I started taking voice lessons - classical - and I was good at it, but I didn't get the joy out of it that I got out of singing in my bathtub or in my room with my hairbrush microphone. I remember one of my peers telling me that I couldn't sing that type of music because I was white, but Michael Jackson didn't think it mattered whether you were black or white... or whether he was black or white for that matter. :)
I was about 8 when that song (Black or White) came out. Up until that point, I lived in a fairly racist bubble. Small-town East Texas is a great place to grow up, but it has it's downfalls - mostly with regard to narrow-mindedness (okay, and the heat). I didn't really know what was right or wrong in this arena. I had said things to people and hurt their feelings without understanding what those things meant. It still hurts ME to think that I could have ever done that, even (especially?) as a child. But I remember listening to that song and having something similar to a moment of clarity, if you have those that young. People are people and God made us all. It is our duty to love and help all of them. In some ways, this has literally made me the person I am today and has brought about (along with my religion) my career choice. It is on this same premise that I struggle with my religion, but that is for another blog.
Man in the Mirror is my favorite Michael Jackson song. I have used it for auditions, but mostly I have played it on repeat and sung it in the shower because it encompasses how I want to live my life and how I hope to inspire others to live their lives. Another MJ song that has contributed to my career path.
I would like to address Michael from a psychological standpoint. For those of you who believe that he was guilty of the allegations against him, that is your belief and I respect that. We all have our own truth, and then there is THE truth. I firmly, with all my heart, do NOT believe that he molested children. I truly think that he loved children, and not in an inappropriate manner, but perhaps in a way that cannot be easily understood. I think that because of abuse and growing up in the spotlight, much of his psyche regressed into a stage of childhood. Adult eating disorder patients often don't develop a level of cognition/maturity/reasoning beyond that which their psychological condition began. I believe Michael Jackson is similar. His stage-life began at 10, and although he grew and fulfilled the responsibilities of a man, he was so much like a child. He even referred to himself as Peter Pan and created Neverland, likely to make up for the childhood he didn't get to have. Also, abuse victims often develop what is called dissociation. Sometimes this develops into what lay-people might call multiple personalities. Or sometimes it simply remains a defense mechanism. I believe that as Michael got older, he may have spent more and more time in this dissociated place - his alternate reality. I think he created his own reality, where he was a child, and he lived in this reality much of the time. Yes, from the outside it seems inappropriate for a man to have strange boys spend the night. Yes, that is sketchy as all heck. But I truly think that for Michael Jackson, it was like having friends over for a sleepover. He loved children because he wanted so much to be one. There's also the factor that he was a genius, and historically, true creative, artistic and intellectual geniuses are so different from everyone else that they are perceived as strange or wrong and often ridiculed. They are later looked on as great, but frequently suffered during their life.
Michael Jackson, I hope that in death, you have found the peace you always sought in life. I hope that you have been restored to a perfect spirit child, whose love is understood and appreciated. I hope that you feel perfectly content, although I know your heart is aching for your family, your children, your fans. Be happy. Be loved. Be the angel that God needs you to be now, and please, teach me to moon walk when I see you in Heaven. Rest in Peace.
Michael Jackson's music has been in my life's soundtrack since the very beginning. He is without a doubt the artist with the MOST songs in that soundtrack. He is an artist that I danced to. I remember dancing to Rockin' Robin at a very young age - it was on one of my Kids Songs videos. I also remember my brothers trying to teach me the moon walk and being so frustrated that I couldn't do it. Then I saw Michael Jackson do it and I went back and told them that THEY weren't doing it right either! We all worked on it for a while and gave up when we realized it was impossible, except for Michael Jackson. When Free Willy came out, I went to see it for my birthday. I would go in my room and dance to "Will You Be There." This was when I was first starting lyrical dancing. When I taught cheerleading camp, I choreographed a cheer dance to "Dancin' Machine." In my junior year of high school, I danced to both "The Way You Make Me Feel" and I choreographed a number to "Scream." At the time, I remember thinking how different those two songs were and how I related so much to both - the dichotomy of having the best time of of my life and also feeling so much pressure to just make it through Exeter alive with the scrutiny of my family and peers and those from home thinking that I was insane for leaving. I wanted to, most of all, prove to myself that I was smart, strong, capable - worthwhile - although, at the time I think I thought the majority of the pressure was coming from the outside. I did scream sometimes, and I remember listening to that song and thinking, "They (Michael and Janet) get it! They understand."
And that is the power of music.
I can't say that it was solely because of MIchael Jackson that I sing or write songs or still dream of being a recording artist. I can say that the WAY I sing is most certainly influenced by him. My mom LOVED The Jackson 5 almost as much as she loved The Supremes. I spent a lot of time in the car with my mom growing up - driving to Tyler or Dallas to go on our epic shopping trips or just to Gilmer 3 or 4 times a week for dance and to see family. This is where my singing career began - in the car - listening to the Motown greats. I really liked Diana and Aretha and Gladys and Stevie and yes, absolutely they have influenced me, but I LOVED The Jackson 5. When Mariah Carey (who I idolized) came out with the remake of I'll Be There, I sang along to it of course, but I would always contend to my friends, who didn't know the original, that Michael Jackson was better. This was the music I sang as a child. When I was in 5th or 6th grade, I started taking voice lessons - classical - and I was good at it, but I didn't get the joy out of it that I got out of singing in my bathtub or in my room with my hairbrush microphone. I remember one of my peers telling me that I couldn't sing that type of music because I was white, but Michael Jackson didn't think it mattered whether you were black or white... or whether he was black or white for that matter. :)
I was about 8 when that song (Black or White) came out. Up until that point, I lived in a fairly racist bubble. Small-town East Texas is a great place to grow up, but it has it's downfalls - mostly with regard to narrow-mindedness (okay, and the heat). I didn't really know what was right or wrong in this arena. I had said things to people and hurt their feelings without understanding what those things meant. It still hurts ME to think that I could have ever done that, even (especially?) as a child. But I remember listening to that song and having something similar to a moment of clarity, if you have those that young. People are people and God made us all. It is our duty to love and help all of them. In some ways, this has literally made me the person I am today and has brought about (along with my religion) my career choice. It is on this same premise that I struggle with my religion, but that is for another blog.
Man in the Mirror is my favorite Michael Jackson song. I have used it for auditions, but mostly I have played it on repeat and sung it in the shower because it encompasses how I want to live my life and how I hope to inspire others to live their lives. Another MJ song that has contributed to my career path.
I would like to address Michael from a psychological standpoint. For those of you who believe that he was guilty of the allegations against him, that is your belief and I respect that. We all have our own truth, and then there is THE truth. I firmly, with all my heart, do NOT believe that he molested children. I truly think that he loved children, and not in an inappropriate manner, but perhaps in a way that cannot be easily understood. I think that because of abuse and growing up in the spotlight, much of his psyche regressed into a stage of childhood. Adult eating disorder patients often don't develop a level of cognition/maturity/reasoning beyond that which their psychological condition began. I believe Michael Jackson is similar. His stage-life began at 10, and although he grew and fulfilled the responsibilities of a man, he was so much like a child. He even referred to himself as Peter Pan and created Neverland, likely to make up for the childhood he didn't get to have. Also, abuse victims often develop what is called dissociation. Sometimes this develops into what lay-people might call multiple personalities. Or sometimes it simply remains a defense mechanism. I believe that as Michael got older, he may have spent more and more time in this dissociated place - his alternate reality. I think he created his own reality, where he was a child, and he lived in this reality much of the time. Yes, from the outside it seems inappropriate for a man to have strange boys spend the night. Yes, that is sketchy as all heck. But I truly think that for Michael Jackson, it was like having friends over for a sleepover. He loved children because he wanted so much to be one. There's also the factor that he was a genius, and historically, true creative, artistic and intellectual geniuses are so different from everyone else that they are perceived as strange or wrong and often ridiculed. They are later looked on as great, but frequently suffered during their life.
Michael Jackson, I hope that in death, you have found the peace you always sought in life. I hope that you have been restored to a perfect spirit child, whose love is understood and appreciated. I hope that you feel perfectly content, although I know your heart is aching for your family, your children, your fans. Be happy. Be loved. Be the angel that God needs you to be now, and please, teach me to moon walk when I see you in Heaven. Rest in Peace.
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