Phase II

After sleeping for all of two hours, I got up to my "Match" email that "regretfully" informed me that I didn't match to internship.

For the next week, everyone who didn't match will be participating in Phase II (aka Clearinghouse, aka Scramble).  The internship sites that somehow did not have applicants match to them are posted online, we decide where to apply (i.e., only to really good fits - I wouldn't apply for a VA, when I have never worked in a VA, etc) and our apps need to be in by March 3rd. Then phone interviews are offered (or not). And then there is another match day on March 28th.

If this does not work out, I will be taking another year and accruing more loans.

I think when 22 year olds apply for doctoral-level graduate programs in clinical psych, someone needs to seriously sit down with them and really make them understand what they are getting into. That they are literally going to be jumping through hoop after hoop after seriously unnecessary hoop. No matter how much effort and extra hours they put in, they are most likely not going to be rewarded for it. They are also sentencing themselves to financial ruin. See below:

(Insert Clever Title Here)

I've been meaning to update since I got back from the interview circuit, but I've somehow managed to be sick since I got back and couldn't muster the energy necessary to blog - pathetic, huh?  Don't worry, this was no swine flu, just a really long lingering cold that is still bothering me. I have always had a bad immune system, and I'm usually anemic when my blood gets checked, but lately I've really been thinking about how I contribute to this. When I was sick last weekend, I went back and was reading my Livejournal entries from high school and college, and I've realized that I have completely let myself go. While I have never been happy with my weight/figure/general looks, I realized just from looking at my old journal entries that I used to work out in some capacity almost every day (dance, cheerleading, if nothing else, just walking around campus). It was part of my lifestyle, and somehow since I came to grad school, I've let that go. This has obviously contributed to weight gain and growing unhappiness with my appearance, but I believe it has also been a major factor in the frequency and duration of my illnesses, not to mention contributing to... not a depression or dysthymia, but perhaps a dulled outlook on life. As Elle Woods so nicely put it, "Exercise creates endorphins. Endorphins make you happy." It's true, too. People who exercise 45 minutes a few days a week have more serotonin in their brains than people who take antidepressants. I haven't exactly figured out what I'm going to do about this. Most days I have to leave my house by 7:30am to get to my practicum placements, which means I need to be in the shower by 6:30, 6:15 if I really want to look put together. That means, I'd need to work out starting between 5-5:30am depending on what I did/where it was located. I know myself well enough to know that this will never happen. I am not committed enough. I don't sleep enough. I am not ever going to be a morning person. That means I need to work out when I get off from work, which also becomes tricky.  I think if I had a gym membership, it might be better, but most days when I leave work (around 6-7ish), it's dark, I'm exhausted, I'm hungry, and if I come home, I'm not going out again. I'm rambling, but you see my dilemma? I really do feel like something must change in order for me to live a healthier, happier life. I read an article that I got from one of my various email newsletters (Daily Fit Tip, Ladies Home Journal, etc.) about how to become a morning person. It struck a chord with me, but I have yet to put it into action because I have been sick. I'm hoping this week I can start with one of the suggestions, which is to wake up in the morning and go for a walk, just around the block. This sounds reasonable to me. I'd have to get up at 6 instead of 6:15, rather than 5am for a whole work out. Apparently just getting that little amount of walking in helps with energy levels throughout the day and will actually make you more likely to walk more throughout the day and/or work out in the evening. So this week, I'm just going to try that one thing, assuming it's not raining cats as dogs, like it is right now.

Now, on to my travels. Just to remind you, I can't state in a public fashion how I will be ranking my internship sites, so if you want to know that information, you'll have to ask me privately. My first flight was down to Long Beach, where my dear friend, Vicki, picked me up and drove me up to Santa Monica to meet up with our friends, Nicole and Nick (they're married). We had a delightful lunch together and it was really nice spending time with two of my closer friends from my original cohort. Nicole and I braved the rain and cold (in LA - what?!) to see the movie How Do You Know that evening, which was really helpful for keeping my my nerves at bay, since my first interview was the next morning at Saint John's Child and Family Development Center, where Nicole is currently interning. My interview went well, I think. Of course, I thought of all things I could have/should have said afterwards, but honestly, I didn't say anything stupid and I felt a real connection with the people I interviewed with. I could really imagine myself working there, which was a nice feeling. There was an Open House/information session the next day, which I will be the first to admit was extremely intimidating. The candidates they interviewed were all exceptional, and I couldn't help but wonder how I managed to make it into that group and wonder if after interviews they would even be considering me anymore. But, it was a good experience, and the current interns and faculty seem extremely happy. For me, there were no drawbacks to the internship program. In fact, I LOVED it. I'm hesitant of living in Southern California for a plethora of reasons that could be (and probably will be) a whole post in and of itself, but mainly because of the expense and the constant feeling of not being skinny/pretty/hip enough to live there.  Anywho, after the open house, I borrowed my brother's car and drove down to Orange County (it took me 3 hours to drive 30 miles - another drawback to So-Cal). I stayed with Vicki and her family, who are Greek and wonderful! I really love many aspects the Greek culture, so I particularly enjoy staying with Vicki's family. And thank goodness I knew someone who had driven to Western Youth Services, where my interview was the next day. Vicki knows all the short cuts and cut my commute from 2 hours the next morning to 25 minutes just by taking toll roads, which Google Maps does not take you on! I had 3 interviews at WYS, and I felt decent about them, but really good about the one with the training director, which I'm hoping is the most important! If I end up there, I think I will live in Anaheim so I can go to Disneyland (with my annual pass that I will be purchasing if I end up in So-Cal) any day of the week! It would also be really nice to live close to Vicki again. She's one of my only single friends left, and we always have a great time together! After my WYS interview, I drove back up to my brother's place and bonded with his girlfriend for a while. We all went to my brother's restaurant for dinner that night, and it was scrumptious! Wow! Seriously delicious! I think Kyle really hopes I match to a SoCal site so that we can spend more time together. Well, that's what he said anyway. It would be nice. We used to be really close, and I'd like it if we were again. I also feel like I could influence him in a positive way because he is absurdly pessimistic and really lets negative thinking get the best of him. Of course, I suppose he could influence me in a negative way, but I think because I'm used to this type of thinking from my clients, I don't let it get to me as much as I might have a few years ago.

So, after my SoCal interviews, which were mostly cold and rainy (I seriously bring bad weather to LA every time I go), I flew overnight on JetBlue to Boston. I arrived at Logan, and the first thing I saw was Dunkin' Donuts and everyone wearing Red Sox paraphernalia! It was AWESOME! I caught the Concord Trails bus first to South Station and then up to Manchester. When we were leaving Logan and heading to South Station, we came out of a tunnel and there was Boston. It was freezing, but the sun was so bright and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The way the light hit the buildings created such a beautiful scene. I was completely filled with joy at that moment, so much so that I started crying. Okay, part of that may have been the 3 hours of sleep I was running on and the fact that I was PMSing like crazy. But I really and truly love Boston like no other place! Anyway, Jecca picked me up in Manchestah, New Hampshah, and I couldn't believe what a peanut she was. She's lost an insane amount of weight - so much so that I wanted to feed her a whole pizza. But actually, she has a very small frame, and being thin really suits her. She dropped me off at her parents house, which was always my home away from home during my time at Exeter and at Tufts, and her mom insisted that I take a nap. So, I tucked myself in and slept until it was time to get ready for the wedding rehearsal. The church was BEAUTIFUL. Jecca told me it looked like a cross between Exeter's church and something at Hogwarts, and that's a most accurate description. The priest was also British and wore Harry Potter-esque glasses, which was fabulous! Skipping to the next afternoon, Jecca called me into the parlor of the church to help her put on the veil. I couldn't believe it - she was in a sparkly princess wedding dress! Literally, something I would pick out! Jecca! The biggest tom-boy ever! It was amazing! She looked GORGEOUS! I thought seeing her before the wedding and getting some tears out then would lessen the tears at the actual event, but I was wrong. I went up to do my reading (From a House of Stone, by Carmen Bugan), and I only got through the first 3 lines before I started BAWLING! Never again will I do a reading for someone's wedding. Holy cannoli, I barely got through the thing, and apparently my crying sounds like "chirping." I read the first couple lines and then I looked up at Jecca and Jon because I wanted to read it to them, but that was a mistake. Seeing Jecca there in her dress just overwhelmed me! But aside from my blubbering and then pretty much sprinting off the podium, which Jecca says was her favorite part of the wedding, it was probably the most beautiful wedding I've been to. It was very intimate - only 30 people - and the ceremony was just perfect. I would want more people and more music, but the church, the priest, the traditional vows - it was just so nice. I, of course, cried through its entirety and remained embarrassed at the reception and the brunch that was held at Jecca's parents' house the next day. It was great spending so much time with Jecca's family because they essentially adopted me when I came to Exeter, and I really just love them. Jecca's littlest sister is now 16 and reminds me SO much of Jecca when we were in high school. And her other sister, who is just a year or so younger than us, has always been someone who I thought I would be very close friends with if given the chance to really spend time with her. It made me hope that I end up in New Hampshire so I can strengthen the bonds I have with the people there, whom I love.

I interviewed at Riverbend Community Mental Health the day after the brunch, and it was a long interview day, but really good. Their Adolescent program really is the perfect fit for what I want to do with my life/what I want my training to be. I really enjoyed the supervisors, training director and the CEO, who I randomly interviewed with. That was my best interview, so I hope that's a good thing. He told me I was "refreshing." ha. Riverbend was a place I could imagine staying at for years, and I really liked that. Concord is also a really cute town, but I'm not sure if I'd live there or in Manchester or near the Seacoast if I intern there. Again, I felt like the interview applicants were all really phenomenal, and I can only hope that I made myself stand out (in a good way) amongst them.  That night, Jecca's mom drove her sister and me back to Boston, where Ashley picked me up! I introduced Ashley's sister and Jecca's sister, which worked out perfectly because I think they would be BFFs if they got to know each other! But anyway, Ashley surprised me the next day with a massage, which was amazing and exactly what I needed. The massage therapist's reaction to my back was, "Woah, what the heck have you been doing?" He asked if I had made any New Year's resolutions and told me I NEEDED to resolve to do yoga 4-5 times a week because he's never seen anyone's back look as bad as mine. Tying that back to my first paragraph, I do want to incorporate yoga into my life. Just need to figure out an inexpensive way to do it. That night after our massages, the snow started. My flight was canceled for the next day and Ashley didn't have to go into work. It was great! We spent the entire day together, inside of course, but the snow was really beautiful to look at from inside where it was warm! Boston has gotten an insane amount of snow this year! As always, it was bittersweet saying goodbye to Ashley, but at the same time, I was getting tired of living out of a suitcase and leaving meant I was one step closer to getting back home.

I waited in the airport ALL DAY to get to Kansas City. I also had an emergency phone session with a client. Awesome, airport therapy. (Note the sarcasm). The reality of my being gone for so long really sank in that day, making me even more anxious to get home to my clients, but also making me realize that it is going to be really hard for me to leave some of the kids I have been working with for the last year and a half. I've really grown to love them and I want to help them with every fiber of my being, and I think I have. I hope so, anyway.

So, I got to Kansas City around midnight. My friend, Jenn, picked me up and was so nice to let me stay with her. She lives in this really cool loft, in an old historic building in Kansas City. Of course, I didn't get to sleep until around 2am, and got up at 6am, so my interview at KUMC was probably not my best. The interns seem happy there, though, and the training director seemed to really like me. I actually loved Kansas City, which I was not expecting. I thought it was just a really neat place, with a lot of history and character. Jenn and I went to a jazz club that night, and this old man played the trumpet, sang, and tap danced the night away. It was my kind of entertainment, for sure! Of course, then Jenn and I went back and listened to a cappella music for hours because Jenn is an even bigger a cappella nerd than me, something that is truly hard to come by. Overall, I had a really good time in KC, but I was not sad to leave, especially because Kansas was colder than Boston! But mostly because by this time I was so absurdly ready to get home!

Then, of course, I got sick. And the last two weeks I feel like work has just been one crisis after another and many many frustrations, not to mention more dissertation issues, that I will not discuss on a public forum. My Christmas decorations are still up, and I have yet to sleep in my bed since I got home because I have so much laundry and stuff to put away.  Of course, instead of doing all of this, I just spent the last 2 hours writing this blog! I know, my priorities are awesome. Do you ever just feel overwhelmed by seemingly small tasks? That's how I feel. I also feel overwhelmed by really large tasks, like being responsible for people's lives, writing my dissertation and losing weight. So, I would say that, in general, I just feel overwhelmed. I think it will feel better when I am not sick, work out the issues with my dissertation chair, get focused, and yes, match (: or not match ): to internship.

There are actually a lot of other things I wanted to blog about today, particularly about Andre Agassi's autobiography, Open. I read it at Christmas, and I highly recommend it to EVERYONE! I will hopefully sit down in the near future and discuss my take on it.

If anyone actually made it to the end, I commend you for your patience!

Internship Update

In case you haven't been religiously checking my blog from a couple of weeks ago (shame on you! ;), here's an update with my interviews and my travel schedule for the next month.  If I were smart, I would have wracked up miles on one airline, but instead, I chose convenience and price over a potential free flight somewhere. That being said, I'm still going to accrue somewhat significant mileage, which is nice.

When I was a senior in college, living at good old 215, I walked out of my house one evening and got egged - it was literally a drive-by egging. The guys thought I was someone else - I know this because they yelled, "Chi-O Slut" as they drove off, and as I was neither in Chi-O, nor a slut, I'm pretty sure it was meant to be an attack on one of the girls who lived downstairs from me. Little comfort as I stood there with egg dripping from my hair and brand new coat.

I have a point in bringing this story up, that being: Every time I opened my email between the 10th and 15th and read the words, "Dear applicant" (never a good sign if they don't use your name), the only experience I can compare it to is an egg to the face. Rejection after rejection - I got 6 just on the 13th - it's a disheartening experience to say the least. 18 rejections in total, and I'm still waiting to hear from 2 more sites! I expected many rejections. In fact, they told us to expect 2/3 rejections, but it's hard to prepare for so many, especially when I applied to many places that I was told I "should" get an interview at.

I now know I'm definitely moving away from the Bay Area next year, unless I don't match to an internship, but one of my associate DCTs feels confident that I will match with 4 (or 5 or 6) interviews. I don't know why, but I'm going to take her word for it.  I anticipated moving away for internship and probably forever after that, but the finality of that last Bay Area rejection hit like a brick. I basically have 6 months to get as much as possible out of living here and seeing the friends who have become so dear to me over the last 4.5 years. The hardest thing for me will be to leave the kids I babysit. I was with them last night, and literally bawled as I drove home. They are growing up so fast that even just seeing them once or twice every month, I feel like I'm missing out.  This will turn into once every 6 months or possibly even once a year, so I told their parents they have to get Skype - end of story!

Anyway, I am rambling. The point of this post was to update my interview sites and let you know about my interview/travel plans, so without further ado:

December 21-30th: Texas for the holidays. (Flying on American)
December 31: Last date by which I will here from Morrison Child and Family Services, Portland.
January 2nd: Fly on JetBlue from SFO to Long Beach.
January 3rd: Interview at Saint John's in Santa Monica.
January 4th: Open House at Saint John's.
January 5th: Interview at Western Youth Services in Orange County. Last date by which I will hear from Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center.
January 6th: Overnight flight on JetBlue from LAX to Boston.
January 7th: Arrive in Boston, take a bus up to Manchester, New Hampshire. Attend Jecca's rehearsal dinner.
January 8th: Jecca's wedding - I'm doing a reading.
January 10th: Interview at Riverbend Community Mental Health.  Bus back to Boston. Stay with Ashley.
January 11th-12th: Hang in Boston with Ashley and old friends.
January 12th: Fly on American to Kansas City. Stay with Jenn.
January 14th: Interview at KU Med Center
January 15th: Fly on American back to the Bay Area.

Will update when I hear from the other two sites.

A Few of My Favorite Things... for the Holidays!

I was just inspired by a friend's blog post on her favorite things and decided to do my own holiday version. As many of you know, I LOVE Christmas. I usually have a large holiday party to celebrate my favorite time of year, but this year was unable to due to lack of funding and time. Even though I'm disappointed about this, I have not let it ruin my holiday spirit. There are many things I love at the holidays, and here are a few of them:

My Very Own Christmas Tree:
It's not coordinated, and it's certainly not as fancy as a Neiman Marcus tree, but I love my tree and all the different colored ornaments and the three different types of garland because I didn't buy enough the first time! I personally like white lights on Christmas trees because the colors of the ornaments reflect off of them, but regardless of light color, something about Christmas trees makes me feel like a little kid - worries melt away and magic seems real - both things that are helping me through this internship process! So, without further ado, my tree:

Christmas Candies and Christmas Tree Sugar Cookies:
Once a year, I make homemade Fudge and Martha Washington candy and my Nana's sugar cookies in the shape of Christmas Trees. As far as I'm concerned, Christmas isn't Christmas without these treats. Although fudge is easy to make, the Martha Washington candy and sugar cookies can really be a pain, which is why I only make them at Christmas. Once they are all done, though, they are TOTALLY worth it. (Candy on the left, cookies in the middle).

In case you want the recipes:

Fudge

3 4oz Hershey Bars

1 Package 12 oz Kisses

1 Small Jar Marshmallow Cream

1 Tablespoon Butter

1 Pound Pecans Chopped

1 Teaspoon Vanilla

4 ½ cups of sugar

1 can Evaporated Carnation Milk

Mix Hersheys and Kisses, Marshmallow Cream and Butter in Bowl

In Sauce Pan, Mix Sugar and Evaporated Milk to a boil on medium

Cook for 8 Minutes after it starts boiling

Pour over Hershey mixture

Add in Vanilla

Beat until everything is melted and thick

Line Cookie Sheet with BUTTERED Wax Paper

Pour into Wax Papered Cookie Sheet

Martha Washington

¼ Pound Butter

2 pounds powdered Sugar

1 Can Eagle Brand Milk

2 Cups Pecans Chopped

2 Cups Coconut

Mix Together well

Wrap in Saran Wrap, twice

Refrigerate

Paraffin

3 of the Big Hershey Bars

Drain Cherry Juice

Put on Plate with Paper towels

Get as dry as possible

Cover individual cherries in cold Sugar/Coconut mixture

Place in Freezer before dipping

Start with half of the bar of paraffin in double boiler – melt in chocolate

If at the end, the chocolate is too thick, shave in more paraffin

Place cherries on toothpicks and dip. When dry, remove toothpicks and spoon chocolate over hole.

Nana's Sugar Cookie Recipe:

3 Cups Sifted Powdered Sugar

2 Cups Margarine (4 Sticks)

2 Teaspoons Vanilla

1 Teaspoon Almond Extract

2 Eggs

5 Cups Flour

2 Teaspoons Cream of Tartar

2 Teaspoons Baking Soda

Cream sugar and margarine; add eggs and flavorings.

Mix well.

Sift dry ingredients and mix with above. Refrigerate 3+ hours.

Preheat Oven to 375.

Divide dough into fourths. Roll out and cut with cookie cutters. Bake on lightly greased baking sheet for 7-8 minutes. Allow to cool before icing.

Icing for Sugar Cookies

1 Stick Margarine, Melted

5 Tablespoons Evaporated Milk

1 Teaspoon Vanilla

1 Box Powdered Sugar

Aromatique The Smell of Christmas Candles and Potpourri:

My mom started buying these candles when I was a little kid, and every year since I've lived away from home, I have filled my bowls with the potpourri and placed candles all around my apartment. Similarly to the tree, this smell really brings me back to childhood and just gives me a warm feeling inside. Unfortunately, there's no scratch and sniff internet pictures, but below is the link to the website.

The Smell of Christmas

Nativity Scenes:

I'm so bummed I missed the Christmas Creche exhibit this year at the LDS church on my road because I LOVE nativity scenes. I remember when I first lived in California and decorated for Christmas (which my old roommate actually might love even more than I do), my roommate was surprised by how much "religious stuff" I had amongst my decorations. She said, "Huh, I just never think of Christmas as a really religious holiday - just a family holiday." This attitude generally tends to annoy me, but who am I to deny a family holiday to people who enjoy celebrating it? However, for me, Christmas is first and foremost about the birth of Jesus (Mary's journey, the star, the angel, the wisemen, the stable). Even if you aren't religious, this story is powerful and, to me, represents so much of the magic of Christmas.

This is my (big) nativity scene (I also have a few smaller ones... Also, you can see my smell of Christmas Candles/Potpourri):

Jim Shore Christmas Decorations:

The above nativity is a Jim Shore creation, and I have to say that I LOVE his Christmas decorations. I love the carved wood and the scenes he creates on the individual characters.  For instance, I have an angel who's skirt is a nativity scene. You may not be able to tell, but the wise men in my nativity have scenes carved into them 1) with the angle coming to alert them of the news, 2) riding on their camels towards the 3) star over Bethlehem.  Anyway, I just think Jim Shore is masterful and I love all of his decorations (including his Disney Traditions collection) and ornaments.

Jim Shore Website

Mariah Carey Christmas CD, Merry Christmas:
Okay, I love ALL Christmas music, but I could listen to Mariah Carey Merry Christmas all year round, and let's be honest, I do. I'm always so excited when Halloween is over because I don't feel (as) crazy for popping this CD in and singing my heart out to it! I haven't gotten the new Mariah Christmas album, mostly because I can't imagine anything being as awesome as the original. I might break down and get it when it goes on sale after Christmas. For now, I'm jamming to this:








A Muppet Christmas Carol:
My very favorite version of The Christmas Carol is the muppet version. Not sure what that says about me, but it's hilarious AND heartwarming.








Kids:
Okay, I always love kids, but kids at Christmas are the best! They are so cute and so excited and so full of belief! I just love it! I very much look forward to/pray for the day when I will have kids of my own at Christmas. Some of my favorite kids at Christmas:

Not pictured: My cousin's toddler, Logan, who I get to see every other Christmas, and boy, am I excited to see him in just a couple of weeks!!!


Friends and Family:
Christmas would be nothing if it weren't for friends and family - I think we can all agree on that. No explanations needed here.

There are tons of other things I love at Christmas, including TIME OFF! But I think this list suits the title: a few of my favorite things.

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and enjoy YOUR favorite things this Christmas!!!

Applications are In!

Hi friends! You may have been wondering where I have been for the last few weeks. Probably not, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

Since my last post, my life has consisted of practicum work and internship applications. I took all my sad/frustrated/disappointed energy and thrust it into work. Internship applications are no joke, let me tell you. I saw my friends from my old cohort laboring over them last year and submitting things at 11:59pm when they were due at midnight and I swore I would not be in that position this year. And I wasn't! I submitted every single application early! For someone known for procrastinating, this is a huge accomplishment! I feel confident in my essays and cover letters, as well as my recommendation letters, which two of my supervisors shared with me. (On a side note, it's really nice to know that my supervisors think I'm a "natural" therapist and had such positive things to say about me.) Now, I just have to hope that the internship sites actually READ my applications. Having the process online is, in a lot of ways, a huge relief. On the other hand, training directors can search and screen you out based on any number of factors, without ever having read your cover letter or recommendations. For instance, if they decide they want someone with at least 10 integrated assessments, my application will never be looked at and they won't have the opportunity to decided that despite that, I am actually a great applicant. So, I'm just hoping that the sites read my application because (at least for some of them) I think if they read my cover letter and see how passionate I am about their site, they might just want to interview me. I don't know that I'm the greatest interviewer, as in I don't necessarily say all the right answers, but I do know that I'm nice and personable and I am extremely excited and passionate about the work done and the training opportunities at some of these places. I just need the chance!

You would think that I would feel a sense of accomplishment and relief now that my applications are all in, but I actually just feel anxious. My whole life is going to change in a few short months, and uprooting and moving somewhere new is extremely stressful to think about and really hard to do at my age.

In case you want to know where I am applying, below is the list in alphabetical order. I don't want to rank-order them just in case a training director finds my blog. I have googled myself and gone to google blogs and nothing comes up, so I think I'm okay, but you know, just in case. Here is my list of 24, and I will update as I get interviews/rejections:

Community Healthlink, Worcester, Massachusetts

Family Services and Guidance Center, Topeka, Kansas

Franciscan Hospital for Children, Boston, Massachusetts

Harvard Medical School/The Children’s Hospital, Boston, Massachusetts

Institute for Child and Family Health, Inc., Miami, Florida

Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital / Children’s Health Council, Palo Alto, California

Marin County Health and Human Services, San Rafael, California

The Milton Hershey School, Hershey, Pennsylvania

Morrison Child and Family Services, Portland, Oregon


The Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center, New York, New York

Primary Children’s Medical Center, Salt Lake City, Utah

Riverbend Community Mental Health Inc., Concord, New Hampshire

Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center, Santa Monica, California

Suffolk University Counseling Center, Boston, Massachusetts

University of California, Santa Cruz CAPS, Santa Cruz, California

University of Kansas Medical Center, Kansas City, Kansas

University of Maine Counseling Center, Orono, Maine

University of Miami Counseling Center, Miami, Florida

University of New Mexico Health Sciences Center Clinical Child, Albuquerque, New Mexico

University of Notre Dame Counseling Center, South Bend, Indiana

University of Virginia CAPS, Charlottesville, Virginia

The Village for Children and Families, Hartford, Connecticut

WestCoast Children’s Clinic, Oakland, California

Western Youth Services, Orange County, California


Cross your fingers, people!

Update: I'll cross out those I get rejected from and bold those I get interviews at.

Broken Ankle, Broken Heart

Okay, the title is dramatic, as neither are ACTUALLY broken, but both in pain: "Twisted Ankle, Wounded Heart," didn't have as nice of a ring to it.

Things have not been great lately, I'm not going to lie. The exception to that was a few weeks ago when I went to the Red Sox/A's game and got to MEET some of the Red Sox, including Jason Varitek - yes, I cried. I'm not sure when I wrote my last post, but the other exception to this was in August, when I got to go to the Cape Cod/Boston for a few days and see my best friend - that was bittersweet, though, because then I had to turn around and leave again.

Today started off with an 8am client, as most days do for me now, but I am not, never have been and never will be a morning person. As soon as I walked through the door at work, 20 minutes early, mind you, I was accosted by a staff member saying I needed to see someone for an emergency walk-in, and, oh yes, "You're 8am client is also here." Wow, could you maybe let me put my purse/bag/notebook down? Anyway, I saw my 8am client for a full hour, then saw the emergency walk in for 15 minutes, then saw my 9am client for 50 minutes, then saw my 10am client for a full hour, and then I was informed that I had to see another emergency walk-in client, who I saw for half an hour and then my 11am for 45 minutes, cutting into my lunch break. Meanwhile, I have done NO paperwork on all 6 of these people, and my cute heals were rubbing blisters on my feet. I spent what little I had left of lunch break doing paperwork. I also get an email informing me that the man who, for all intents and purposes, seemed (actually, is) perfect for me and I've been falling for for quite a while (yes, I may have imagined our perfect life together and named our children - DON'T JUDGE ME!), in fact, just sees me as a friend. And I started crying... at work... in front of my coworkers... although most of them were in their own worlds, totally unaware, but it's still that, "OH MY GOSH! AM I SERIOUSLY CRYING AT WORK RIGHT NOW," feeling. I pulled myself together... sort of... only to see a client who is grieving the end of a romantic relationship (very hard for me to see the cognitive distortions when I'm thinking the SAME things), and at the end of that session, I stood up and, in true Lindsey fashion, twisted my ankle and fell down... in front of the client. My ankle swelled up, leaving me hobbling to and fro. By the end of the day (6pm - yes that's 10+ hours), my ankle was totally swollen, as were my eyes. I was sobbing before I even got out of the Health and Wellness building, muchless all the way to my car. Fortunately, I did not run into any clients!

All of this on top of some crazy drama/issues going on with dissertation/internship and serious financial problems, and the fact that I am missing 2 very close friends' weddings next week, and the fact that every week someone calls me to tell me they are engaged and the fact that all of these people inevitably say, "I always thought you would be the one to get married first. You are the one who always wanted a husband and kids. That's salt in an open wound, people - I'm just letting you know. I recognize that the following statement is the most irrational thought in the world, but no amount of CBT techniques gets rid of it, and I think it all the time. I feel like because I have had such a good life (i.e., I wasn't raped or molested as a child, I had more than enough of everything. Actually, I was spoiled. I had involved parents and grandparents and extended family and neighbors. I had opportunities to acquire skills and talents and learn in a safe environment)... Anyway, I feel like because I had such a good early life, I am now being punished by like.. God or the universe or karma or something in that the one thing I've always wanted (marriage, children), I will never actually have. Everyone tells me that I need to be okay with the fact that I might just be alone forever and I might not have kids - I should feel appreciative of the fact that I (usually) enjoy my work and I have an education and the ability to support myself... I AM grateful for all of that, but I will never be truly happy (not to say I will be miserable, just not truly happy), until I have a family of my own. I was born to be a wife and mother, first and foremost, and I feel that to my core, not because I think all women are meant to be mothers but because I was meant to be a mother. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me that no one is letting me know about. When I say that to people, they say, "Oh no, Lindsey, you are so nice and sweet, that's not it." Even guys tell me I'm nice and sweet, but somehow nice and sweet does not appear to get me anywhere with men. It's always, "Ohhh, I think we could be best friends," or "Oh, I love you, too, but I love you like a sister." Guys, don't EVER tell someone this, even if that's how you feel. It's like a dagger to the heart. Why am I the best friend? What is it about me that is not the girlfriend? Do I have some horrible deformity that I am blind to but everyone else sees? Am I really hideous looking, but because of repeated exposure to mirror images and pictures of myself, I have grown accustomed to the ugliness? I know that life isn't fair and people don't always get what they want, but it seems like the world is playing a cruel joke on me.

About my current situation, everyone is saying, "Oh, Lindsey. It's his loss." But honestly, and I'm actually not exaggerating or being overly dramatic here, it isn't. It truly is my loss. I mean, I can acknowledge in other situations with guys, they are the ones ultimately missing out, but this is a situation where I literally felt like God placed my perfect match right before me - not that this man is perfect, but that he is so incredibly perfect for me. I'm not going to go into details on a blog, but again, it just feels like an evil joke.

Anyway, my ankle is swollen, my heart hurts, and my eyes will probably be swollen shut tomorrow morning, when I have an 8am meeting... I feel like I've taken a beating, and my most important organ might not recover.

Who Are You Grateful For?

The last thing in the world I should be doing right now is writing a blog post, but I've neglected my 3 followers for way too long! :)

A couple of weeks ago, I befriended one of my favorite teachers of all time on Facebook. It wasn't necessarily what this teacher taught me, but her ability to relate to me and the vested interest she took in me during those crucial adolescent years. I had her as a teacher from 7-10th grade - she taught in our gifted and talented program.

Anyway, I think about this teacher a lot, especially when I'm doing therapy with my adolescent clients. I try to remember what made this teacher so awesome and made me feel ::seen:: by her and recreate that same feeling in my therapy sessions. So when she facebook friended me, I thought it would be a good opportunity to let her know that she really impacted me, and really she still influences me and the work that I do. So, I wrote her a facebook message and went on my merry way. Honestly, I assumed every one of her old students had told her at some point what an impact she made because we ALL loved her. My friends from home and I STILL talk about her. But she wrote back and said that she cried reading my letter and she never knew she had such an impact. I thought a few things: 1) I know that other people feel the same way about it and not only can I not believe that people don't tell her all the time how much they appreciate her, but how sad that they don't! and 2) So many people from my past still impact my life for good in the present - I should really let them know, and 3) I realized it often takes having many years perspective to have insight on just how much someone effects you. This teacher definitely knew that I loved her to death in middle and high school, but she really couldn't have known that, 11 years later, I am still so grateful!

I have been working with a population recently that really doesn't have many things to be grateful for - their lives have been horrific, and sometimes I wonder how they have managed not to give up entirely. I've realized that many of these clients haven't had any sort of role model, mentor, or even a positive adult figure in their lives. It seems so unfair that they have had no one, and I have had so many, but it really makes me appreciate who I have been blessed to know.

So, I'm starting a gratefulness project, and once per week, I write an email or facebook message to someone who really impacted my life in some way, even if it was just for a short period of time and even if they don't remember me. So far, the greatest pleasure has been getting it all out, realizing just how much they meant to me, and sharing just how special they are to me. I finish my letter, and I feel soooo grateful. It puts me in such a positive space. This past week, I wrote a college professor, who I know didn't remember me, but he really changed my life and how I view the world and has a daily impact on what I do in therapy with my clients. I expected a message back from my high school teacher, who's known me forever and knows my family, but I did not expect (or need) a message back from this professor. I just wanted to let him know that he makes a difference. But wow, his letter back brought me to tears. Again, I KNOW this professor is LOVED at Tufts - all of my friends who took his classes still talk about him. In fact, while I was on vacation, Ashley and I spent an hour discussing what we learned in his class and how it informs our work. But it seems that no one shares these things with him! Here is an excerpt from his letter:
Lindsey! Your kind words brought tears to my eyes! Really! THANK YOU so much for taking the time to write me and share your memories with me. I have NEVER received such a wonderful letter from a student and you should know that your letter has made me rejoice that I am a teacher. As a teacher, I know that I have the potential to influence, in ways both great and small, the course of someone's life. Your marvelous letter is excellent confirmation! THANK YOU SO MUCH. I will cherish your words forever.
I'm still in shock that a) he wrote back - this man is BUSY and b) he doesn't get letters like this all the time because I KNOW every student who takes his class feels similarly to me. But I guess... it took me 11 years to write my high school teacher and 4 years to write my college professor, so maybe people just put it off, think it's unimportant or never reflect back on those influential people - I'm not sure.

But I do know that it makes me feel good to reflect on all the people who have impacted me significantly in a positive way. So far in my gratefulness project, those people are teachers, but I know for others they are bishops, priests, grandparents, babysitters, neighbors, etc., and I also fully intend to contact people who are not teachers. It just so happens that I fell into this gratefulness exercise by contacting a teacher. It's also pointed out to me that people ALWAYS appreciate being told they mean something to you, and why do we hold those things in? Why not take being grateful one step further and share with those we are grateful for what they mean in our lives?

So, that's my challenge to myself and to you, if you'd like to take it on. Email or write one person who you are grateful for every week and tell her/him exactly how much s/he mean to you. Don't expect a response, just be mindful of the gratefulness you feel and recognize how luck you are to have had that particular person in your life. If they do respond, it's an added bonus.